Step 4: "Swish! Clang! Maneuver!"

Right now, I think of Step 4 as a war or battle.
Book of Mormon style.

Oh remembering, remembering.  Re-living, re-shaming, re-fearing, re-hurting, re-sinning, re-feeling, re-resenting, and re-examining.  But all in the name of recovery.  In the name of healing.  In the name of Christ.  With every detail I write, I feel as though I'm facing an opposing soldier belonging to the evil army, with sword raised then falling hard, but I continue to write.  I receive a minor blows, opening wounds, sometimes new sometimes old, which bleed and swell in pain.  Heavenly Father aids with balm, and I continue to write.  I tell Heavenly Father I need help to face oncoming demons of my past, and He sends angels to surround me, and I continue to write.  Sometimes I hear war cries and chanting threats.  I fear nightmares that often follow writing the past.  I feel myself weaken and become afraid.  I watch old behaviors and thought processes resurface.  I slowly realize I'm not strong enough to win this fight yet, nor have I allowed the Savior to come in far enough to believe He truly will save and already has saved me.  I lift my sword and frantically "swish-clang" in a frenzy.

And I continue to write.

I understand now, Step 4 is a process of opening, revealing, and change.  A change from the inside out.  Outside behaviors may be straightening out.  We may be doing things differently now, saying things differently, and even believing things we hadn't before.  But there are still wounds on the inside in need of more.  Steps 1, 2, and 3 were not enough.  Recommitting to submission and obedience was not enough.  Abstinence, sobriety, being productive, and filling our life with good things, wasn't enough.

Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, dissatisfaction, resentment, guilt, shame, etc, continued to disrupt our lives.  A familiar phrase returns:

"Stopping isn't healing."

There must be more.  Healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ seeks for and requires our whole selves.

 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great ^agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O ^bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart ^csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily ^abeset me.

A fearless written moral inventory must be made.  One which allows the deep corners with sticky grime and effervescent muck, which still inhibit our spiritual and emotional mobility, to finally receive aid, love and attention.  Whether the muck is huge and obvious, or consists of a million tiny, seemingly insignificant dust bunnies.  Everything is worth attention, because every corner is worth the time and care.  Every spec of dust.

And so.  The battle rages.  I pray, I reach out, I turn to the word of God.  I ride the waves.  At least, I try to.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have ^atrusted.  (2 Nephi 4 17-19)

And I continue to write.