Hi!
I always say I wish I blogged on a good day. So here I am!
First of all, I'm gonna drop a little bomb ... I struggle with what is known as Same Gender Attraction. I say "what is known as" because I can't say I'm currently being attracted to the same gender. I've worked hard to process that, find healing, and that has calmed down a lot. But. I still don't feel attracted to the opposite gender. I've never felt attracted to men. That's an entire post for another time. Anyway, about dating.
Both my therapists have urged me to date at all stages of my recovery process, which made no sense to me. The point is to try, learn, try, learn, try, learn. Boy have I learned! I'm glad I did it. I did take a break from dating for about a year after I started therapy, but then I have just felt like I need to date date date. It's been PAINFUL. When I'm dating, I tend to dig up every reason to be upset with myself. But this week, especially tonight, about a year after I started dating again, I'm finally seeing some sweet fruits.
Tonight I made a phone call to someone I'd been out with 7 times now. I told him I was ready to just be friends, and that I felt peaceful about it. Here's the thing! Before, I use to feel such intense AWFUL shame when something didn't work out. Everything was my fault. I saw everything through the eyes of "I'm good enough" or "I can't, and I suck." But during these past few dates ... that finally has started to change.
I've been practicing vulnerability on dates, and every single time I am ABSOLUTELY dumb-foundedly amazed that I got asked out again. I told them all kinds of things - I don't like to cook, I'm not close to my family, I hardly visit them, I took 8 years and 3 schools to graduate, I'm an artist that doesn't make any money, I don't like to exercise, I have anxiety, I get depressed now and then, I don't feel attracted to men, I don't care about wearing cute shoes, I hate shopping, I watch a lot of movies... etc etc... And still not a single one of these stellar, smart, top notch, high caliber spiritual hard working men, have run away. They didn't even treat me differently. They didn't act disappointed. They asked me out AGAIN! And again and again!
I kept assuming they were just a special case, extra charitable. Until I moved on to date the next guy... then I assumed there were just two extra charitable guys. But now I have been through several, and another first date just this past weekend who I told the most I've ever told on a first date. He's got HIGH standards and he's very picky, but he just called me while I was here writing this post to ask me out again! WHAT.
For the first time, I'm starting to not just "learn" to stop worrying I'm not good enough, but experience the feeling of being good enough for a great guy, whoever it may be. I feel the wall thinning. I feel better about who I am.
I also feel more practiced at vulnerability, connecting with the opposite gender and just people in general, and letting out my personality. I feel less concerned that I'm not feminine enough, pretty enough, that I don't dress cute enough, or that I am not spiritual enough. Less concerned that I'm not enough!! (I only said "less" concerned ... let's not get carried away haha)
I don't feel excited about dating still. Still would rather not. But through opening up and trying new things, I've grown. I've changed. I've gotten to know myself better. I've found greater access to the atonement, and that's the truth.
Oh!! And!! Tonight, as I "ended" this dating string with this guy on the phone, ... I realized that I was experiencing something new. I wasn't blaming myself inside for this not working out. I was able to see that it wasn't my fault, or his fault; it just is what it is. We wouldn't make each other happy, and once I got talking to him about it I realized we both felt the same way. I am learning to trust my feelings and follow them, instead of wallow in shame because of them!! Duuude. *breath of fresh air*
To end... I'm starting to feel something for someone... I'm starting to feel good around him similar to how I feel around my best girl friends... This is new... but we're not dating... but this is new... like, really new...
DUN DUN DUN
This post makes me smile! Thanks for blogging on a good day!
ReplyDeleteHaha, thanks Stacey :)
DeleteOh Dust how I get what you are going through. Oh the dating! And I could not help but smile during this post. I think this is a great realization for you...that you can get second dates and be desired even if you don't meet the 'standard' of the perfect petite pretty. Seriously, I think guys (and obviously girls) like honesty.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know the craze and the pressure. Let all that go. I got dumped two weeks ago and it has been brutal. This is my first time EVER getting dumped. (except for this one that said she didn't want to do the relationship anymore but I already thought we were done and going out with other girls....)
It is liberating huh to just let someone go? Ah, we get so bent out of whack about other people and what they think and feel. It's exhausting. managing our own emotions is hard enough! Way to be honest and honest with yourself (which is most important)
I'm glad you and I have this in common to talk about! It's funny because I actually think I'm pretty close to the "standard" petite pretty girl... you'd never guess if you saw me. Deep down though, I just don't believe I'm made for men. I haven't always enjoyed feminine things, I've just done it because I should. And because I believe I'm less without it. THAT needs to change some more still.
DeleteAh the pressure to be married. So hard to let go. I'm sorry you got dumped - that's so recent! Must be rough right now.
Yeah, it felt great honestly to be done there, shame free. (at least I think shame free?) So great. Thanks Warrior!
Love you my friend:-)
ReplyDeleteThanks Sidreis. :) Love you too, friend.
Deletehow exciting!! I'm going through something similar right now- only not with dating, but with friends!! I have had so many people -- women -- show me great love and concern the past few months, and it is CRAZY to me! I'm like you-- WHAT. hahaha. I'm learning to accept the love, accept the care, just accept it as it appears to be without assigning conditions and terms to it, like, "she must be saying that to be nice. She can't really mean that." "They must have only done this for me because they wanted some charity points." "She only invited me because she feels sorry for me." I am working on giving thoughts and feelings to other people, and just taking their behaviors at face value, and choosing to believe they are not lying. "She gave this to me. She was thinking about me." "They mean what they say." Accepting love has been challenging but so rewarding! I'm so used to rejecting it. Anyway, I know it's not the same thing as what you're experiencing, but in a different way, I can relate.
ReplyDeleteThese mens keep asking you out because you're awesome, don't you know? :)
Oh Stephanie I tooootally remember when I first started going through that with ordinary people in my life, especially women, and I'm still working on that. That exact thing. I know what you are talking about. I'm so good at assigning thoughts and feelings to people. One of my top goals is to take things at face value and life is WAY different when I do. It's still hard to really believe it instead of just try to accept it. I hope I can get better at it still. Yes, rewarding. I'm glad to hear you are receiving such warmth and care from your friends. :) You're a great person!
DeleteAnd thanks :)