Codependency again!?!?

GUUUUUH

What the HECK what the heck what the heck.  One day I'm my own separate person who simply has friends.  All is going well.  And the next, suddenly I'm once again the major huge jealous dependent codependent clingy controlling needy freak of a "friend" who doesn't have friends, but has appendages!  One day I'm like, "Yay I can finally do healthy relationships!"  And the next I'm crying myself to sleep because my roommate didn't text me enough, didn't tell me her problems, and didn't even say good night to me before shutting her bedroom door to go to bed.  This is me being REALLY vulnerable because that... is really embarrassing information to put out.  But there it is. This is my current main addiction and status.  I struggle with codependency.  Is what it is.

My anxiety is awful lately.  I haven't slept more than 2 hours in 2 weeks now.... except last night I got a solid golden 5!  I think it's because I wore myself out from crying.  Hm, tender mercy in disguise?  And suddenly my body feels all gross and jittery again, food doesn't appeal to me most the time, and I'm always afraid afraid afraid.  But not too afraid.  I refuse to let it put me in my room to be lonely pathetic cranky cavewoman again.  Not this time.

This time is different.

I'm calling friends now.  Old ones.  The best friends I made years ago and stopped talking to when I began isolating the first time.  Feels great.

I'm continuing in vulnerability and being myself and assertive in as many situations as possible, including new situations like with family members.

I'm forcing myself into social situations despite my fear.

I'm reaching out to my visiting teachers.  (Who brought me a Snickers ice cream bar tonight!)

I'm working hard to remain productive.  (Gotta do homework!)

I'm trying (and frequently failing) to trust people.

I'm trying really really really hard, despite my obsessive compulsive repetitive thoughts to think of the Savior, only needing the Savior, only seeing the Savior, and believing my need for Him can fulfill and replace my unhealthy needs.  I know there are "steps" that will help me actually achieve that for real, and I know that it is a process, and I understand there is much work to be done to get there.  But in those awful pain stricken moments all I can do is beg Heavenly Father to cover me up safe, wrap me up tight, and tell me it is going to be okay.  I often curl up in a ball at nights now, rock back and forth, and pretend He is rocking me.  Sometimes I close my eyes, stroke my own hair and I imagine they are His hands on my head.  And sometimes I whisper words of comfort to myself, pretending they are coming from His lips.  How badly I just want to be held by the One who understands it all.

Before today, I refused to see this as a codependent relapse.  I just wanted it to be a small temporary anxiety relapse that would pass when these new stresses and circumstances of life passed.  I wanted to justify my behavior as reacting to loss (why do besties gotta move away??) and the past memories of loss that current losses trigger.  But..... truth is that this life's stress never goes away.  The point is to learn to cope with stress in life appropriately, without reverting back to our addictions.  Right?  The point is to be free from our destructive behaviors, and have peace even in the midst of adversity.  To retain the ability to act, and not be acted upon, even when life is crazy.  Right?  Sigh.... no, this isn't just about being temporarily stressed.  Today I came back to step one and had to recognize this as a problem.  Okay.  My life is unmanageable and I can't get out by myself.  I have strong unhealthy needs that are making me miserable and I need help.

It's just that, ....I hate hate hate seeing people I love suffer, and I hate that I can't make their lives better, and I hate when I try and they won't let me, and I hate when they stop talking to me and inconsiderately leave me to worry worry worry sick about them, (and make me feel unimportant by talking to someone else)....... I mean how dare they?  Haha yep I know.  It's all about me.  I make it all about me.  I need them to be okay so I can be okay.  If they're not okay, I can't be okay.  It's like I feel guilty for being okay if they're suffering, so I find ways to make myself suffer too.  (which makes zero sense)  And I need them to need and rely on me, so I can feel of worth.  Somewhere I lost sight of me, my recovery, my feelings, my life.  My relationship with God.  I'm too busy focused on someone else's.  Just a few minutes ago I was reading a blog post and thinking "how could this help so-and-so?"  Then I was like, "Seriously, dust, did you just do that?"  I started over and made a conscious effort to read it for me.  I still ended up starting over one more time because I lost focus again!

I have a lovely print out from my therapist about "letting go."  I read it over and over.  I'll probably post it for you later, it's really helpful.

P.S.  By the way, Step 4 doesn't make me feel better.  Right now "working the steps" doesn't make me feel better.  I'm sorry but when I'm miserable and lonely and already remembering all the horrible things of my life, the last thing I want to do is spend time writing about it.  I know it'll help when it's over, I can totally tell, but in the process it sucks.  Step 4 sucks.  My life wasn't even all that bad.  Really.  But for me, right now, it sucks and I don't like when people ask me if I'm working the steps, expecting that they're suppose to make life better.  So I review steps 1 2 3 instead.  Does that make sense??  Do others feel that way?

Okay.  Gonna go to bed and try to sleep.  Here's a song:

"This is what it is... to be held...."