Hi!
I always say I wish I blogged on a good day. So here I am!
First of all, I'm gonna drop a little bomb ... I struggle with what is known as Same Gender Attraction. I say "what is known as" because I can't say I'm currently being attracted to the same gender. I've worked hard to process that, find healing, and that has calmed down a lot. But. I still don't feel attracted to the opposite gender. I've never felt attracted to men. That's an entire post for another time. Anyway, about dating.
Both my therapists have urged me to date at all stages of my recovery process, which made no sense to me. The point is to try, learn, try, learn, try, learn. Boy have I learned! I'm glad I did it. I did take a break from dating for about a year after I started therapy, but then I have just felt like I need to date date date. It's been PAINFUL. When I'm dating, I tend to dig up every reason to be upset with myself. But this week, especially tonight, about a year after I started dating again, I'm finally seeing some sweet fruits.
Tonight I made a phone call to someone I'd been out with 7 times now. I told him I was ready to just be friends, and that I felt peaceful about it. Here's the thing! Before, I use to feel such intense AWFUL shame when something didn't work out. Everything was my fault. I saw everything through the eyes of "I'm good enough" or "I can't, and I suck." But during these past few dates ... that finally has started to change.
I've been practicing vulnerability on dates, and every single time I am ABSOLUTELY dumb-foundedly amazed that I got asked out again. I told them all kinds of things - I don't like to cook, I'm not close to my family, I hardly visit them, I took 8 years and 3 schools to graduate, I'm an artist that doesn't make any money, I don't like to exercise, I have anxiety, I get depressed now and then, I don't feel attracted to men, I don't care about wearing cute shoes, I hate shopping, I watch a lot of movies... etc etc... And still not a single one of these stellar, smart, top notch, high caliber spiritual hard working men, have run away. They didn't even treat me differently. They didn't act disappointed. They asked me out AGAIN! And again and again!
I kept assuming they were just a special case, extra charitable. Until I moved on to date the next guy... then I assumed there were just two extra charitable guys. But now I have been through several, and another first date just this past weekend who I told the most I've ever told on a first date. He's got HIGH standards and he's very picky, but he just called me while I was here writing this post to ask me out again! WHAT.
For the first time, I'm starting to not just "learn" to stop worrying I'm not good enough, but experience the feeling of being good enough for a great guy, whoever it may be. I feel the wall thinning. I feel better about who I am.
I also feel more practiced at vulnerability, connecting with the opposite gender and just people in general, and letting out my personality. I feel less concerned that I'm not feminine enough, pretty enough, that I don't dress cute enough, or that I am not spiritual enough. Less concerned that I'm not enough!! (I only said "less" concerned ... let's not get carried away haha)
I don't feel excited about dating still. Still would rather not. But through opening up and trying new things, I've grown. I've changed. I've gotten to know myself better. I've found greater access to the atonement, and that's the truth.
Oh!! And!! Tonight, as I "ended" this dating string with this guy on the phone, ... I realized that I was experiencing something new. I wasn't blaming myself inside for this not working out. I was able to see that it wasn't my fault, or his fault; it just is what it is. We wouldn't make each other happy, and once I got talking to him about it I realized we both felt the same way. I am learning to trust my feelings and follow them, instead of wallow in shame because of them!! Duuude. *breath of fresh air*
To end... I'm starting to feel something for someone... I'm starting to feel good around him similar to how I feel around my best girl friends... This is new... but we're not dating... but this is new... like, really new...
DUN DUN DUN
