Stressed. I. Am.

(Sunday)

Streeeeessssss.

I'm still learning to navigate around stress and responsibility in healthy manners.  School started.  So did anxiety.  

I have a contract to finish a huge project for an important company in less than 2 months.  I committed to feed 14 people dinner Wed night.  I need to do my visiting teaching.  I avoided contact with my VT girls at church today because I feel overwhelmed, and when I feel overwhelmed I feel like I'm bad for feeling that way.  And when I feel overwhelmed and not good, I continue to wear a smile and do what I can to work hard... and suddenly I'm triggering and crying and jealous of other people and before I know it I have a hundred reasons why I'm a bad roommate, friend, family member, and I say to myself "see that's why I don't have a calling," and I can't talk to cute boys because I'm SO not good enough for them anyway and then I get mad at myself for having thought I had a chance before, but they talk to me and I talk back like all is great, and I feel like a fake pretend good-girl-wanna-be.  I carry on the typical conversations, I listen and laugh while inside I'm like, "If you really knew my thoughts on that... if you really knew my experience with that... if you really knew my story on that one..." "except that I would never actually say that to you" ...and then my roommates come home from having dinner with their really great (truly really great) families, and my other roommates say "Yeah me too... this is how my family is... etc etc etc" but the only thing I say is, "...."  Until I crack a joke, make 'em laugh, change the subject, and go to my room.  I've cried like 6 times in the past 2 days but nobody knows.  However... I'm celebrating the fact that I can cry.  So way better than numb and depressed.  And that I'm still praying.  And I worked my step 4 some today.  And.... I'm blogging about it!  And I did get a lot out of church today.  Even though I had SO much I wanted to share but didn't feel... hm... brave enough I guess, to share what I had to say.   And afraid of what people would think, and afraid because I don't know how much to share/not share.  I guess practice is the only way to go.  Step 4 today was hard.  I wrote down how I can use my Christ-like attributes for good... and now I want to delete it all because I totally didn't use the "super powers" I thought I had in my most recent interaction.  Was it wishful thinking?

Right now, I'm just feeling tired of the mask.  I can get over all the rest and recognize Satan's part.  Being real (aka honest) is the trick.  I've had my roommates convinced I'm "doing so much better," that now I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but "happy and fine."  I set an expectation for myself and feel shame for being or feeling anything else.  I feel trapped.  Why do I do this to myself, lol.

But I know better.  I will let myself cry.  I'll let myself feel.  I'll thank Heavenly Father that I can.  And while I'm pretending for others, I can at least be real with Him until I find courage to share my "innerds" outwardly.  

I wish I could believe that sharing what's real inside me is healthy instead of bad.  I'll keep working on it.

This is probably the most open I've been on my blog IN the moment.  Good job, dust.

I know things will be okay soon.  I know my Savior understands this feeling.  All of the above.  I know He won't leave or consider me a failure or less than.  Believing what I know, however, is a struggle, but knowing is what keeps me pressing forward.  

And I am committed to pressing forward.

Try again tomorrow.

Good night! 

(Monday)

Either Satan or Heavenly Father doesn't want this published here.  My computer and our internet freaked out everytime I tried to publish this last night after I wrote it, and only when I tried to publish.  At first I said, "Okay guess I was right... Heavenly Father wants me to keep this inside like usual and figure out a way to be good."  Then I thought about it... and decided it was actually the adversary working against me.  

Today I went to my first institute class.  I raised my hand a couple times and shared a couple thoughts, and even brought up addiction.  I was feeling anxious about it until 10 minutes later another student brought up what I said and related to it.  Cool.

Back to work with me.