Shame, "I've always been this way," and Arms

So a few weeks ago I asked permission from one of my best groupie friends (One Heart Humbled) to share some thoughts I collected from a conversation we had at her house that night.  By the way, connecting with group friends in real life (outside of group) is really nice.  I recommend it.


Discouraged, she said, "I don't know how to get rid of this addiction.  I feel like it's like my arm.  How do I live without my arm, it's the only way I've ever known!  I've had my arm my entire life.  I need my arm to function."  (Ya know that moment when you say a word too many times, and it begins to sound strange?  Isn't "ARM" a weird word???.......arm.........)

So the sad thing is... I can't remember what I had to say about that!  Originally I had something REALLY cool to blog about arms!!!  Sigh.  Oh well.  However, . . . I do remember the sorrow in her voice, and the discouragement on her face.  The love I felt.  I also remember remembering when I had spoken and felt the exact same way.  I don't know if my friend felt this exactly, but I remember a time sitting in my room day after day, refusing to talk to anyone, because I didn't know how to behave or think or feel anything different than a codependent obsessive broken addicted ugly monster, thinking I'll never change, I've always always been this way.  How does one rewire 27 years of dysfunctional thinking and behavior??  I felt too ugly and broken and embarrassed to share how awful I felt inside, so how could I ever reach out?  Attempts to reach brought such horrid feelings of anxiety and "guilt."  (I didn't know about the word "shame" yet)  I was already hurting people, I felt like I would ruin anything or person I touched, and I wanted to die.  My therapist at the time didn't know I had a sexual addiction, and to be honest neither did I.

A few months ago, I'd become aware of my sexual addiction (thanks to Sidreis posting her story), and decided to tell my brand new therapist about my long lived bad habit.  I did NOT expect his response.  "Oh, that changes things.  That changes a lot actually, and makes perfect sense.  It explains a lot."  I wondered, what things?  What is different?  What could this possibly explain?  He announced that his treatment plan was changing, and our next whole session would be spent discussing shame.

"So this whole addiction thing has to do with my anxiety and depression?"

"Yes, it does.  Because it causes you to feel like there is something to hide.  Like you are bad.  Like you are two people.  Like saying, 'I'm one person when nobody is watching, and a totally different person when I'm around people.'  Like you're living a double life."

Our next session was a big eye opener.  He began with a story I'll never forget:

Two brothers, 16 and 18, were left home to tend the house and finish high school while Mom and Dad accepted a call to be Mission Presidents far away.  One day little bro walked in on big bro looking at pornography.  Not only pornography, but gay pornography.  "...Yeah...," he said, "I'm addicted to this.  And I'm gay.  I'm sorry."  A while later, big bro catches little bro looking at pornography.  Also gay pornography.  "Yes," he said, "I actually have this problem too.  And I'm also gay.  I'm sorry.  Don't tell anyone."  The stigma against pornography and same sex attraction is so harsh, and their parents being on a mission, they felt there was nothing they could do.  Eventually big bro said to little bro, "I can't live with this anymore, it's killing me."  Little bro responded, "You're not leaving me here alone."  So they both got in a truck, drove off a cliff, and died.

Heart breaking.  But we get it, don't we.  My therapist wrote on the board:

SHAME = DEATH X 3

He explained, "Shame, if left untreated, is fatal, leading to three types of death.
~Spiritual Death (we call Apostasy)
~Emotional Death (we call Mental Breakdown), and/or
~Physical Death (we call Suicide)"

Wow.  Right?  But, it makes perfect sense.

"Satan has certain tools," he went on, "Satan knows that if he can put a wedge between us and the Savior, the only source of true healing, it's over.  And his best tool/wedge is shame.  All he has to do, is get us to BELIEVE that we're bad.  He gets us to say, I AM a mistake."

He expounded upon the story of Adam and Even in the garden with Satan, of young Joseph Smith in the grove, and more, reminding me that not a single person or even prophet of God that lived could ever cast Satan away on their own, without calling upon Jesus Christ.

Neither can we.

He helped me see I'm not bad nor was I ever.  I was simply hurting and found a way to soothe.  He taught me that usually women turn to this as a comfort and soothing tactic, and men usually use it as a way to deal with stress and problems.  He wanted me to understand I'm not looking to do something bad.  I'm simply looking to soothe.  Though this type of soothing is addictive and will harm me deeply, which is why God has asked us so strongly to abstain-for our protection.  Soothing found in our Savior is the only way to truly heal.

We talked a while.  He sent a helpful print-out home with me, which I review on occasion.  I want to share it with you!

The Dangerous Tool of Shame
"And the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed" (2 Nephi 6:13) 

SHAME" 

I am bad/flawed"

• Embarrassed
• Fear
• Hide
• Distance
• Lonely/Isolated
• Anxiety/Depression
• Worthlessness
• Self-Medication  (addiction!)
• Hopelessness
• Death X3 (spiritual, emotional, physical) 

GODLY SORROW 

"I made a mistake"

• Regret/Remorse
• Humility
• Courage
• Repentance
• Change
• New Commitments
• Hope
• Personal Value
• Increased Intimacy
• Peace with God 

Jesus says to you and me: 

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."    

(John 14:18, 27)

Now that the shame tool has been exposed to me, I know to fight it!  And I'm still fighting, which is a post for another time.

So if anyone has thoughts on the "arm" inquisition for Humbled Heart and me, please comment!

.......Arm.......