Detoxing From Her. Again.

So I really just this this is a cute picture :)

Hi.

So, first the bad/honest/raw/ugly.  Then the light/truth/learning/hope.

My name is Girl, and I'm addicted to my roommate.  :(  And here go the tears lol

I suffer from Dependent Personality Disorder symptoms.  According to my therapist, the difference between me and someone who HAS this disorder is that I'm self-aware of my thoughts/behaviors and uncomfortable in the symptoms, and have the ability to try other behaviors in the moment despite my strong natural tendencies.  Someone IN the disorder is convinced they're perfectly normal, and everyone else is wrong.  So . . . yay for me, I'm self aware?  Should be glad I suppose.  Except that... I still suffer the symptoms.  And "aware," on a day I'm out of touch with faith in Christ and hope, just means, "I suck."  Random side note - I never use to use that word.  I didn't feel it was enlightening or worth using, ever.  Til one day I needed a word that matched how I felt, and I began using words like "sucks" and "crap."  I plan to kick those words out again once I get past recovery.  But we'll see.

Faith.  I use to have that.  I'm finding it again, or at least seeking to find it, but man I have back-slided so far and didn't even realize it til I began detoxing from my friend, again.  Wow.  I am FAR.  So super dependent and unable to see or believe that anything else can fulfill my needs.  Now when my sponsor, or friends, or Bishop, or Sunday school teachers, or visiting teachers, or home teachers try to tell me that with Christ, He will be enough, I'm like... whatever.  Today I burst into tears on the phone with my sponsor and said, "But He's NOT enough!  He's not."  Of course, I feel that way because I haven't made the steps necessary to let Him in enough, to be enough.

I hate step 4 and I don't want to do it.  I don't believe step 5 is going to change anything.  I don't have faith that I'll feel better longer than a few days, maybe a week.  At group a girl spoke of doing step 5 that very day and how light she felt, and all I could think was, "Yeah... today might be nice but you'll feel the same as before in a few days."  I recognize that if I don't believe, how can the miracle occur?  If I don't have hope, how can I move forward?  If I don't have faith, then guess I just get to sit here in my mess of misery and dysfunction and loneliness and eventually I'm like, "So what's the point?"  Also, if God really does have control of our lives, if we are in His care, if He has power to bless us and make things okay, then again.  I ask.  Where is He?  Why did all these things happen?  It's all a lie and I am tired.

That's where I was.  But I finally went back to group Thursday (I got a chunk of Step 4 done this past week so I felt like more worthy to attend).

At the beginning of group I was like, "Whatever.  This isn't going to help.  I'm stuck like this forever.  I suck.  Life sucks.  I hate it.  All these people are lying to me."



By the end of group I was like, " . . . . . . . . Oh."  haha...




I remembered what detox really means, and realized I'm just riding the wicked horrible awful emotional and physical waves of detoxing, and remembered that my brain will find peace in time.  In time.

I remembered that Satan really is a part of this whole thing, and maybe I really am believing lies, and even if a good bunch of them are true for me right now, they don't have to stay that way.  I can change.  I've done it before.

I realized I'm living in fear and constantly reacting to shame, judgement, resentment, old memories, assumptions, failed expectations.  And skittles, lots of skittles!

And I realized I don't have to react.  I get to choose another course if I want.  Except I honestly feel like I can't pull out of it sometimes... and in those times, I can be so much more gentle with myself instead of "I'll always be this way, I'll always hurt people, I'll always be alone, I'll always damage friendships." Maybe I always will.  But I can choose not to if I try really hard.  I can even choose to say, "Okay.  I can't do it.  I need help."  I'm finally giving in and looking into meds.  That's a blog post for another time.

I realized that even though it seems (seems!) terrible now, that if I didn't have the Lord with me... it could be SO MUCH worse.  I decided I wanted to make a list of all the ways the Lord has made things actually good.  Cuz in reality, I have so much to be so grateful for.

I remembered I have other friends.  Who are important to me.  Who I love and who love me, even when I'm all a mess.  Sometimes they are busy, or need their space too, and that is okay.

***

So.  The update with my roommate.  Here's the thing - I've been battling for a long time whether it's a good idea to continue living with her.  What if I just moved out, got new friends, and freed myself of all the anxiety??  No more adrenaline flooding, shaking, shortness of breath, ready to puke panic attacks just because she didn't say hi to me when she came home before going straight to her room, shutting the door, and going to bed.  No more sobbing from my bedroom as I listen to her talk for an hour to our other roommate who shares a bunk bed with her.  No more temptations to control, manipulate, and punish her for not meeting my needs.  I could do it.  I could just remove myself from the drug.

I've discussed it with my therapist.  "Yeah, you could do that.  Like you have before, and the time before that.  Or you could stick it out and work hard and learn how to find a healthy balance.  But chances are, you'll fall right back into the same pattern with someone else.  Running doesn't solve the problem.  While you have a friend who is willing to set boundaries for herself, and communicate with you, might as well take advantage of this time to learn."  Which is the same thing my roommate told me last time I discussed the idea of moving out.  But that was a long time ago.  This is now.  And right now, she's tired of me.

Tired of discussing.  Burned out of communicating.  Tired of having to fight for trust from me.  Tired of reassuring me.  How do I know?  She told me.  And ya know what?  I really don't blame her.  Shortly after telling me she wanted space, I asked if she would mind discussing it with me so I could better understand where I went wrong, and could learn from it and be better for her and future relationships.  I wanna be a good wife someday for someone!

This time though, she said, "I'd rather not.  That's part of my frustration.  You're always so sensitive about our friendship and so that makes you a target of my frustrations with several people I'm frustrated with, and I'm sorry.  I just need a break for a little while and then I should be good.  But you don't have to act or behave differently, it's just a me thing, and I still love ya."  Yeah, we're both a little codependent.  I know that.

I let her know it's not just her, it's me too, and I'll try to still act the same, only I promised to be less needy and less guilt-trippy (I can be so guilt-trippy!), and more trusting and respectful of her space.  Things have been way better between us since then, but man my anxiety and depression are going nuts.  I don't have my drug anymore.  I decided, while she's taking a break, I could probably use a detox.  A real, good one.  All hell was already breaking loose before this (thus my over-exerted neediness that drove her away at that time), and now it just feels that much harder.  I even had a SA user-dream, and it's been a long long time since I had one of those.

One post doesn't have room for everything, and everything isn't necessary to tell.  Basically I'm about 13 days into the detox now, and finally ready to reach out a little, and remind myself there is life outside of the drug.  There are PLENTY other things, more important things, to sustain me in life.  In time I'll come to know it is the Lord first and foremost.

No Satan, I have more than 2 choices.  I won't be alone forever, and I won't always make people miserable.  There is a point to trying again.  And again and again.  There is still hope for me!  And, I don't suck.

By the way, I just reviewed Dependent Personality Disorder again... and I'm actually doing better than I thought!  I still struggle, but a few of the things I read are no longer true for me (most the time).  Yay. :)

"We can do this"