Over 20 Weeks Sober Looks Like....

I have never been able to focus like this.  Not since 5 years ago as a missionary - which was the longest period of time I was sober in my life, by the way.  I can see and comprehend things that are astounding to me lately.  I have desires and goals and energy.  I am learning a lot, spiritual and secular, and want to learn more.  I am productive and want to produce more.  I am creating and want to create more.  I want to be around people and make new friends.  I can't wait to go visiting teaching I love my girls.  I'm still sporadic with scripture study and prayer... which is sad to say.  But the past two weeks my scripture study has become very important... I'm finding treasures in scriptures and church magazines the way I use to find on my mission.  I'm looking for gospel sharing opportunities.  I can't stop thinking about the future and how bright it can be, the adventures I'll have, the more lessons I'll get to learn, and people I can touch.  The places I can go.  A family I can have.  And guess what else?  I can feel.  I feel up and down and up and down.  I cry from joy and sorrow.  After numb.  After years and years of numb and begging and pleading for years....  now I can feel.  I have cried SO much this week.  About all kinds of things, happy and sad!  Because I opened the door to emotions (with a lot of work, time, therapy, and prayer), I can feel.  The other day I got that happy tickle in my stomach that comes from imagining the holidays coming up..... I haven't felt that tickle in my stomach in years.  I almost forgot about it.

This is not what I meant to write about when I got on here just now.  But of all things to share... how can I not express gratitude. I could complain about plenty tonight.  Oh I totally could.  But... to be honest, which is my favorite thing right now by the way (honesty), I LOVE telling people what I really think it feels so nice!!!... anyway... to be honest, I just don't really want to complain right now.  Instead I want to express how much my life is different and better because I have the Savior at my side.  My sponsor taught me to turn to Him first, over and over and over and over, and finally it is sticking.  She taught me to ride waves.  I've written plenty of texts to her and never sent them over the past little while... because I already knew what she'd say and I just decided to put down my phone and do that instead.  The spirit is working in my life and bringing light to my mind and heart in the times that I need help, courage, strength, and understanding.  And clarity.  And comfort.  And everything!

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Right now I'm having a huge eye opener.  Mostly I wish I have to didn't learn this ;).  Over the past 24 hours I've recognized obvious codependent symptoms going on between one of my best friends and me that I hadn't recognized before, surprisingly.  I knew my own symptoms and behaviors, that I was "dependent," but now I see them on both sides, making us classically codependent.  Dang.  However, now I have the tools and help of my Savior to now practice being healthy on my end, to set boundaries for myself.  And now I know to trust that Heavenly Father will keep His promises that things will work out.  It will be okay.  She will be okay.  I will be okay.  We can still be friends, but I have to make some changes now.  For both our sakes.

I don't have to rescue.  I don't have to fix.  I don't have to bug my friend for information and details while I know full well that she'll keep it all in, remain silent, distant, and isolate and suffer and hurt if I don't, even though it kills me not to.  I get to give her the same chance to grow that I had.  I get to let her learn to ask for help, and reach out herself.  To find joy through struggle.  I get to let her find the Savior first.  I get to believe that I don't have to rescue out of fear of rejection and loss (but that's still super hard).  I get to trust and let go and let God.  I get to let her discover, if she chooses to search for it, the freedom that comes from honesty.  I will be there for her, and I still love her very much, but now I get to practice being there for the Savior, and for me, very first, and let the spirit direct me from there.  I'm still learning how and making plenty of mistakes, and sure I still feel ashamed at how truly hard it is to let these things go.  But.... now I'm also learning to just say... oh well.  Yeah this is hard, yeah I messed up, yeah I'm still far from perfect, but oh well.  I'm doing my best and that's good enough for Heavenly Father, so that can be good enough for me!

I'm grateful for the sabbath day.  I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the change and miracles that are possible because of it.  I'm grateful to know that the true nature of God is far more kind and merciful and gentle and tender than I can possibly imagine ever in this lifetime.