Father, Why Are You Still Here?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow.  I forgot you again.  I got bored so I went to facebook.  I felt lonely so I texted my friend.  I felt ill so I layed down and had a pity party.  I felt hurt so I cried to myself.  I felt that familiar pull to my unhealthy attachments so I stayed in my room and felt even more sorry for myself, and deeply ashamed.  I grew jealous of others and shame thickened.  I got back on facebook, and when I got off I made mental lists of reasons to be more ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I decided you'd probably want me to build healthier relationships so I thought about my lack of efforts to make new friends and that I need to pursue that harder, and talked to them on fb, texted them, tried talking to them at church... but I still felt empty inside.  I've been working step 4 every day this week, but that only brings back sad memories, so I get on fb when I'm done.  I talk to my sponsor and she says stuff like, "Tell Heavenly Father this" and "listen to the spirit about that" and I'm like, "....Oh yeah."  Every.  Single.  Time.  Why can't I remember how much better I feel when I go to YOU FIRST.  Why can't I remember that peace actually does come when I first express my thoughts and feelings to you?  Why can't I feel a pull towards my scriptures and your words and my Savior before anything or anyone else?  Why ...am I so human?

And Father, WHY do you still love me?  Why, after being so selfish and after neglecting you, do you still never give up on me?  How, after such casual scripture study and prayer with you, how can you extend such great and immense love and peace the very moment I remember to put forth actual effort?  Why do you forgive me so quickly when I take so long to forgive myself and others??  Why are you so good to me when I don't deserve it?  How can you still be here waiting for me, knocking knocking knocking, when I desire selfish things before I desire you?

Why did you let Him suffer so much, when I take Him for granted every hour of every day??

I am crying - tears of gratitude.  Father, I thank Thee.  I truly stand all amazed.

***

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.