Questions:
Did Step 4 really help? Why? How?
Did Step 5 really help? Why? How?
After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different? Does it actually go away? Can you tell me about that? How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better? I'm feeling skeptical.........
Explanation:
My life is still sucked away by this project (only 6 more days!!! Which means it's especially stressful to get this done but yay only 6 more days!). I feel like Heavenly Father has been protecting me and making life go smoothly for the past couple months so that I could get this done. I've been in good spirits and haven't had much else to stress over except the usual codependent stuff. I also haven't been working on my steps at all because I just couldn't afford the time. A few days ago I received a message from my sister's best friend telling me my sister is suicidal, refuses to see a doctor or do anything to help herself, and she's worried and wants me to contact her. Yes the peace boat was finally rocked. I have a history with my sister that I honestly don't know how to describe or feel about simply because I've worked so hard to sweep everything under a rug where I don't feel or remember as much. I once had a strong attachment to her unlike any other of my siblings. Now I feel the most distant to her, emotionally.
Anyway, I called her (a very very rare thing for me to call a family member to chat) and we've talked a couple times. Turns out her friends forced her to the ER, who sent her home with a suicide plan, therapy and doctor's appointments, and she's basically out-patient institutionalized. So she's taken care of. But this whole event and our long phone conversations have triggered a whole slew of stuff for me.
I've been sleeping fabulously the past couple months which is awesome because when I began recovery, I was getting maybe 2 hours per night for a long long time. But these past 2 nights have been full of anxiety all over again. I decided last night to use my sleepless time well and finally start writing my Step 4. The past month or two I've been doing the 30 in 30 step where you write down positive Christ-like qualities and what Heavenly Father wants you to do with them. That took me foreeeever to write. I haven't started my real Step 4 until... well, last night.
So I need to know! Does this really help??? Cuz I gotta say, I reacted dramatically to a situation this morning in my apartment and I was like, "Why am I so upset about this???" Then I realized how related and similar today's situation felt to the stories I had written down last night. Do I really want to write about all this? Is this pain worth revisiting? Now I'll repeat:
Questions:
Did Step 4 really help? Why? How?
Did Step 5 really help? Why? How?
After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different? Does it actually go away? Can you tell me about that? How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better? I'm feeling skeptical.........
Yes. But it's based on a decision. I felt MUUUUCH freer after my Step 5. I felt released from it... like I finally had permission to not let it haunt me anymore... the shame was dispelled and I let it go into the Celestial breeze that carried all of it away and swallowed it up.
ReplyDeleteBut like I said... I still had to CHOOSE to let it go. It IS possible to be unchained but we still physically hold on to the chain so we have to decide to open our hands, drop the chains, and walk away.
Steps 4 and 5 are essential for recovery. It's not possible to progress into addressing character weaknesses and healing relationships if we are still bound by the shame of our own actions.
And of course you are coming up against opposition! Because who doesn't want you released from all that shame? Ya.. THAT guy. ;-)
I liken my step 4 and 5 experience to finally completing a large puzzle. I had been struggling for so many years, confessed to so many Bishops and fallen so many times that I felt like my story was a large puzzle split up into numerous Ziplock bags. My Bishop growing up had a bag, my Mission President had a bag, various Bishops since each had their own little bag. But no one,(including me) had ever seen the entire puzzle assembled at once.
ReplyDeleteSteps 4 and 5 allowed me for the first time to take all of these bags of my life and put them together. It helped me to see the big picture.
I also had some powerful realizations. For me, the times when I was struggling the most in life were also the times that I had the amazing Young Men's leader who took extra time to make me feel valued, the Bishop who took time out to send me a personal note when I had been inactive for many months. I had never realized this until Steps 4 and 5 allowed me to put the entire puzzle on the table.
I liken it to my own personal 'Footprints' experience because I could see the times in my life when I needed it most, I was being carried by the Savior and his advocates.
You can do it!
For me, steps 4 and 5 help me see the difference between the REAL me (the part that comes to light with the 30-and-30 work you describe) and my weakness and struggles and sins that have added baggage to my life. Some of them I cannot just change or stop on my own (e.g., anxiety), but at least I can see them in the light of who I really am, and who God really is. I also had inventoried the tender mercies from my life, seeing how God had helped me all along in spite of all my mortal messiness.
ReplyDeleteIt also just felt good not to pretend. To be honest about my weakness, rather than trying to pretend I had it all together. I don't, and I didn't and it's ok to admit that. It's freeing to admit that, because for me perfectionism has been a major character weakness that has kept serenity at bay for me.
That said, for me step 5 didn't magically make everything better. It's still part of a process that continues with the steps that come later. I still find myself dancing a lot between steps 4 and 7, because it takes time for me to come to awareness about what I'm still carrying around and then to become ready to let go of those things. It's more of a dance with God than a checklist for me. And that's all a process, not an event in my experience.
I didn't get a chance to comment back to each of your comments because of how life was so crazy at the time, but I want you to know I read each of them, thought about each of them deeply, and am grateful for your comments!! I'll keep these things in mind as I work my step four and look forward to 5 6 and 7.
ReplyDeleteThanks again!