Tonight's Share by way of Blog

So I accidentally posted this entry in my OTHER, NOT-anonymous blog.  I deleted it right away of course, but I have over 50 ppl subscribed to that blog by email!  Over 50 ppl are gonna get a big surprise in their inbox tomorrow!!!!!  I'm freaking out a little bit.....  Well... oh well!  

Here's the post:

Yoooo!

I missed group.  And when I say "missed" I mean both definitions of the term, I'm sad I missed it, and certainly missed being there.  I've been attending every single week since I started going about 20 weeks go.  (which means I'm about 20 weeks sober....)  I have to say, I've had a chance to appreciate group a lot since I didn't go tonight and I missed two weeks ago.  I've been able to recognize how much group has truly helped.  In my conversations with my friends, with whom I usually stay quiet around and hold my opinions in, or when I try to share them I can't figure out what to say....... tonight we got into a discussion that felt quite like a group share.  And I opened my mouth and words came out.  Lots of them.  I didn't stop to analyze a whole lot, I just said what I thought and what I felt.  I didn't stop to wonder if I should or shouldn't say that because of what they might think.  It simply felt natural.  I felt empowered and I felt the spirit, and I felt joy in expressing my experience and feelings about the gospel in the midst of shame and expectations, etc, and what I've learned.  I had a similar moment with my own visiting teachers this past Tuesday.  I allowed myself a moment to express some things I've been going through and what I've learned from it, in a very similar way to a group share as well.  I worried about it afterwards though, and still wonder what they're thinking of me, or if I over shared, or if they'll forever see me as anxiety girl instead of who I really am.  Oh well.  I'm still glad I shared and it still felt really good.  The Lord has made so much out of me in these past few months!  I feel like a walking miracle already and I still have such a long way to go!!

Oh how I love my 12 Step Group.  Group is a place I can feel safe and express anything I want, and with the spirit, among friends who I know relate to me and understand which allows me to not worry about what they're thinking so much, and actually be able to focus on and discover what's inside of ME.  And it's a place to practice again and again and again.  Without that weekly time to share and listen and learn from other sisters like me, I really wonder if I'd have the ability right now.  I know the Lord is in this program.

You guuuuys, I know several people whose lives could turn completely around if they really took hold of this.  It's so hard for me to quietly know, and feel I can't share, because that would mean some crazy bold exposure!  Can't.  I'm not there yet.  Which I hate because I want them to know!!!  But then... just because you tell someone doesn't mean they're going to try it.  And just because they try it doesn't mean they're going to grasp it like I did and get what I'm getting from it.  It's all on them.

Fav quote of the week from my roommate on learning to let other people's problems remain their problems, and not ours:  "This is not my circus.  These are not my monkeys."  Isn't that GREAT??

So my friend and I were discussing how he doesn't like to go to church sometimes.  And how people who love church come off super annoying, because they show up and say, "Isn't it great to just be here, and be at church!"  I remember a time I felt that same way.  But.... you guys... I LOVE church now.  I love participating in church!  I love the lessons and I love hearing heart felt testimonies of those who have come to know their Savior.  I get home and always want to talk about it with my roommates!  Luckily I have pretty great roommates who like that too.

I've seen SO many changes in myself.  I'm getting social.  I'm reaching out and trying to make friends.  I'm working hard and doing what I can to magnify my callings.  I say what I want to say when I want to say it (mostly) and I'm not afraid to ask for things like I use to.  A couple of my roommates have begun to hope I'm around in certain situations because they know I"ll say things they're even afraid to say.  What????  That's never been the case before!!!  Who am I???  I'll tell you who I am....

I am me.  :)  And I like being me.  Well.... I do today.  :)  (you know how it is)

Happy Valentines Day... to me.  Here's to loving myself.  Here's to loving a beautiful, only one of a kind, creation of God (thanks Heavenly Father).  A creation in which finite details were taken into careful consideration over the course of nearly 28 years and even long before that.  The Lord knew what He was doing.  He gave me unique gifts and talents and abilities and magnifying those gifts talents and abilities, even my personality, is SO fulfilling and rewarding.  Who knew.  Who knew!

I catch myself in consistent regular worry and shame and fear still, and know the Lord isn't finished with me yet.  I still dwell on awful grudges and memories and negativity which at times I feel desperate to be rid of.  Takes time and work, and I'll get there.  I still have weaknesses, though weaknesses never go away completely.  Just because God said he'll make our weaknesses strong unto us doesn't mean they go away.  But perhaps it means we'll learn to use them to our advantage.  :)  Weaknesses allow us to recognize our need for a Savior.  They allow us to connect to other humans.  They allow us to receive help and comfort from others.  And realize we can't do this on our own!

Alrighty.  I don't even know what this post is about.  Going to bed.  Now.  Tired!

Happy Valentines Day!