Tonight's Share by way of Blog

So I accidentally posted this entry in my OTHER, NOT-anonymous blog.  I deleted it right away of course, but I have over 50 ppl subscribed to that blog by email!  Over 50 ppl are gonna get a big surprise in their inbox tomorrow!!!!!  I'm freaking out a little bit.....  Well... oh well!  

Here's the post:

Yoooo!

I missed group.  And when I say "missed" I mean both definitions of the term, I'm sad I missed it, and certainly missed being there.  I've been attending every single week since I started going about 20 weeks go.  (which means I'm about 20 weeks sober....)  I have to say, I've had a chance to appreciate group a lot since I didn't go tonight and I missed two weeks ago.  I've been able to recognize how much group has truly helped.  In my conversations with my friends, with whom I usually stay quiet around and hold my opinions in, or when I try to share them I can't figure out what to say....... tonight we got into a discussion that felt quite like a group share.  And I opened my mouth and words came out.  Lots of them.  I didn't stop to analyze a whole lot, I just said what I thought and what I felt.  I didn't stop to wonder if I should or shouldn't say that because of what they might think.  It simply felt natural.  I felt empowered and I felt the spirit, and I felt joy in expressing my experience and feelings about the gospel in the midst of shame and expectations, etc, and what I've learned.  I had a similar moment with my own visiting teachers this past Tuesday.  I allowed myself a moment to express some things I've been going through and what I've learned from it, in a very similar way to a group share as well.  I worried about it afterwards though, and still wonder what they're thinking of me, or if I over shared, or if they'll forever see me as anxiety girl instead of who I really am.  Oh well.  I'm still glad I shared and it still felt really good.  The Lord has made so much out of me in these past few months!  I feel like a walking miracle already and I still have such a long way to go!!

Oh how I love my 12 Step Group.  Group is a place I can feel safe and express anything I want, and with the spirit, among friends who I know relate to me and understand which allows me to not worry about what they're thinking so much, and actually be able to focus on and discover what's inside of ME.  And it's a place to practice again and again and again.  Without that weekly time to share and listen and learn from other sisters like me, I really wonder if I'd have the ability right now.  I know the Lord is in this program.

You guuuuys, I know several people whose lives could turn completely around if they really took hold of this.  It's so hard for me to quietly know, and feel I can't share, because that would mean some crazy bold exposure!  Can't.  I'm not there yet.  Which I hate because I want them to know!!!  But then... just because you tell someone doesn't mean they're going to try it.  And just because they try it doesn't mean they're going to grasp it like I did and get what I'm getting from it.  It's all on them.

Fav quote of the week from my roommate on learning to let other people's problems remain their problems, and not ours:  "This is not my circus.  These are not my monkeys."  Isn't that GREAT??

So my friend and I were discussing how he doesn't like to go to church sometimes.  And how people who love church come off super annoying, because they show up and say, "Isn't it great to just be here, and be at church!"  I remember a time I felt that same way.  But.... you guys... I LOVE church now.  I love participating in church!  I love the lessons and I love hearing heart felt testimonies of those who have come to know their Savior.  I get home and always want to talk about it with my roommates!  Luckily I have pretty great roommates who like that too.

I've seen SO many changes in myself.  I'm getting social.  I'm reaching out and trying to make friends.  I'm working hard and doing what I can to magnify my callings.  I say what I want to say when I want to say it (mostly) and I'm not afraid to ask for things like I use to.  A couple of my roommates have begun to hope I'm around in certain situations because they know I"ll say things they're even afraid to say.  What????  That's never been the case before!!!  Who am I???  I'll tell you who I am....

I am me.  :)  And I like being me.  Well.... I do today.  :)  (you know how it is)

Happy Valentines Day... to me.  Here's to loving myself.  Here's to loving a beautiful, only one of a kind, creation of God (thanks Heavenly Father).  A creation in which finite details were taken into careful consideration over the course of nearly 28 years and even long before that.  The Lord knew what He was doing.  He gave me unique gifts and talents and abilities and magnifying those gifts talents and abilities, even my personality, is SO fulfilling and rewarding.  Who knew.  Who knew!

I catch myself in consistent regular worry and shame and fear still, and know the Lord isn't finished with me yet.  I still dwell on awful grudges and memories and negativity which at times I feel desperate to be rid of.  Takes time and work, and I'll get there.  I still have weaknesses, though weaknesses never go away completely.  Just because God said he'll make our weaknesses strong unto us doesn't mean they go away.  But perhaps it means we'll learn to use them to our advantage.  :)  Weaknesses allow us to recognize our need for a Savior.  They allow us to connect to other humans.  They allow us to receive help and comfort from others.  And realize we can't do this on our own!

Alrighty.  I don't even know what this post is about.  Going to bed.  Now.  Tired!

Happy Valentines Day!

Thank You Blogger Friends!!

Just wanted to check in real quick with my friends here.  I'm in the middle of a crazy huge project I procrastinated far too long and now it's biting me hard in the rear, with a wicked deadline, and very little time for much else except for when I'm making an exception to break away now and then, simply to remain sane.  Project must be finished around mid-March, so until then, I'll be a little absent.  But I'm doing okay!!!  I want my blog friends to know I love them and especially that I appreciate their time and comments and just taking the time to read.  And I'm sorry I haven't been following or keeping up as much as I'd like!  Keep blogging, I'm thinking of you, and I catch a post here and there when I can!  All of you are heroes in my eyes.  Many of you have inspired and taught me new things about myself and the Lord time and time again!  I'm grateful for you!!!

Blogging my recovery has been validating for me, to expose my experiences and find out I'm still accepted, I'm still me, and my value didn't go away even though I exposed some deep long kept secrets.  I'm learning to find self-validation in feeling and experiencing and expressing myself here.  Being able to self-validate is something my therapists have been telling me repeatedly ever since I began therapy that I need to work to develop.  It came up again in most recent session.  I've made excellent progress in my outside relations, by keeping boundaries, (though often times against my will) but I'm still feeling hurt and crazy inside, and having to painfully resist old behaviors again and again.  So now, he said, I need to remember the importance of another focus I have maybe forgotten about for a time.  My relationship with myself.  To become self-validating.  To love myself.  To be kind to myself.  To treat myself, and show myself my feelings matter to me and that that alone can be good enough.  To fill my own holes so my need for others (to control others words and behavior to make my life feel at peace) will end.  I know a relationship with the Savior is key to this, and the whole time he spoke I kept thinking about the 12 steps.  And how much Step 4 will help (I'm still just beginning Step 4 but haven't had the time to devote  to it that I'd like).  My therapist taught me that there is one place I can be dependent upon, and need to be dependent upon in order to be healthy.  And that is the Savior.

So while I'm learning to express myself here, and asking the Lord to help with that effort, and learning self-validation here in my blog, sometimes writing things and letting the simple act of writing be good enough......  I have been largely blessed with a lovely bonus anyway:  you.  Thanks for the friendship.  Thanks for the support.  Thanks for the comments.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for relating to me, and letting me know I'm not the only one.  Thanks for being my cheerleaders!  Thanks for encouraging and accepting me.  Thanks for writing your own journeys and sharing your truths and real lives and your fears and your faith and your triumphs and your testimonies in Jesus Christ in your own blogs.  Please don't stop.

Valentines Week!  Let's make it good.  Let's celebrate "love."  We have great reasons to love, and great reasons to receive love.

Love you!!!

To Be Human

To have flesh.  To live within walls called time.  To feel tired, to sense hunger, to shiver from cold.  To be injured, alone, uncertain, vulnerable.

Being human is hard.  The body, the physical element.  The veil.  Oh the veil.  Separated from the unseen and forgotten many many souls of angels who lovingly and watchfully surround me at all times.  Oh the veil!  I often look at my picture of Jesus and wonder what He would say.  What facial expressions I might see.  How His voice might sound.  But I can't know, not for a very long long time yet.  For this time, I must know other things of my current nature.  Pain.  Sorrow.  Darkness.  I must even know shame.  For this time I must fight the good fight and choose to claim victory, coming out conqueror as I take upon myself the experiences of the world, and discover what true joy, freedom, and love really means.  Because I take upon myself the name of Christ.

I wish for love.  I wish for friendship, companionship, intimacy.  I wish for a family.  I wish for my own great adventure, full of color, majesty, grass stains, and repair work.  And sweetness.  And sunsets.  And various grand surprises, good and bad!  I wish to cease my goal to "survive," and begin a new life focused on thrive.  I wish for fear to flee, and faith to flourish.  I wish to make mistakes, lots of mistakes.  I wish to take risks, kill the comfort zone, break the barriers, and discover daily hidden treasures.  Hidden in my heart.  Hidden in the word of God.  Hidden in my past, present and future.  I wish to capture and contain treasures already revealed, and never let them escape.

I wish to hold the face of my Savior gently in each hand, to look in His eyes, and tell Him thank you.  One day.

Being human is hard.  But as a human myself, I have found the soothing balm of gilead is constantly available to borrow.  The armor of God is strong for suit.  The seeds of faith are ready to move mountains.  The iron rod stands firm and constant.  The living waters are flowing freely.  The bread of life remains an endless supply.  The Rock of salvation never crumbles nor shakes when we need a place of rest and reassurance.

Being human is a journey.  Both very hard, and exquisitely marvelous.