Let Him?

Last night I texted my sponsor "You won't be hearing from me much for the next little while." Because I will be SO busy, I decided recovery would just have to take a back seat.  In my mind I was just going to put it on pause in a way.  I figured I'd keep up the little things that matter (prayer and scripture study of course) and devote Sundays to working on Step 4 - which isn't a bad plan.  There was more going on that also wasn't good though.  I was reading through some blog posts this morning from a few of you other bloggers (cuz I haven't for a little while)... and stopped to ponder on "Let Us Let Him."

I looked back on my life when I felt most disconnected... and realized I have a certain mentality that probably needs to change.  Basically, when really major important things come up (which has usually been tragedies in the lives of someone close to me, or even when school and life have become very demanding, etc), I take a back seat in life and tell myself my needs don't matter and don't exist until this is over.  ...haha.  Funny now.  As I read Sidreis's paragraph, (my favorite part of her post):

He will sit with us, nurture us, guide us, care for us, bandage us, tend to us, minister unto us, teach us, counsel us, love us, lead us, heal us and cleanse us.  He will do this continuously as long as we will have Him.  And He will never ever leave us.

I heard my mind at first discount every part of it, saying 'I don't have time to have this right now.  I have to do other things.... but later!'  Then by the end of reading the paragraph I was like, "But ...I want that.  I want Him.  I need this.  I need Him."  I just sat there, and pondered.  Next I was like, "How could I have thought that I could let my heart take a break from Christ?"  (Duh)

In my mind, I planned to use whatever power and miracles and spirit I could muster and direct it toward everything "on my plate," but anything else, including feelings or wants or needs or mercy or love or consideration of the worth of my own soul.... in my mind, didn't exist anymore.  And I can look back and see when my mind had worked this way so many times before.

I don't know if this makes sense...  But there it is!