Touching Stones: 12 Steps

Confession.  In the past year... I can't remember a time that I actually read a WHOLE chapter of scripture in one day.  I'm sure I did once or twice, hopefully, but it's been a long time.  Please just love me...

I woke up last Friday still just... numb.  Still stuck in a pit of mud, which soothed the angry molten earth below, but I remained frozen, emotionless and well... real muddy.  Stuck in the past and dwelling on what isn't fair - you know how it is.  And talk about so much triggering!!  Like 2 weeks straight!  UGH.  But still sober on SA  - almost 13 weeks now.  :)

For some reason, I sat up in bed and decided right then to read a whole entire chapter in the Book of Mormon.  Even thinking to read scriptures in the morning (instead of midnight) is a huge deal for me right now, so I was really surprised at myself, but the first chapter that popped in my head was Ether 3.  I wanted to read someone's personal account of seeing and interacting with the Lord Himself.  To hear what its like from someone else, since I felt so far away.

I read it, and simply felt glad I did.  The brother of Jared told the Lord to touch some stones he'd gathered, and basically turn them into lights, so he and his people could stick them in their little boats and be able to see as they sailed across deep waters.  Principle learned: he came up with his own plan, took it to the Lord, and asked Him to make it work out, even telling Him specifically how.  So... I thought... "Okay I have these life problems... what can I make my touching stones?  What specific thing can I plan, take to the Lord, and ask that He consecrate it to work out for me?"  Warm fuzzies subtly fuzzed, as I knew what I wanted to take.  The 12 Steps.

This is the most committed I've felt to pursuing the 12 Steps.

I am putting the 12 Step Program on the table and asking the Lord to touch it with His very own hand, to bring to pass specific and large miracles of change, as I strive to make my meager, humanly efforts to move through them, step by step.  And the warm fuzzies... those mean He answered yes.

It no longer matters if I doubt the program.  Fear that it won't work for me, and will just be another failed attempt, is no longer a concern.  I have asked the Lord to touch it.  With His help, this can work.

This doesn't mean it won't take a long time, and it doesn't mean I won't be sunken and tossed among deep waters.

But it does mean I will reach my promised land safely.

That thick, long lasting numbness was finally, finally gone by the end of my day.  A day that really turned out to be pretty great and full of miracles and huge tender mercies.  I'm also just realizing I haven't been triggering nearly as bad since.  Hm.  I think I'm starting to remember why a good scripture study is so important...  Thank you Heavenly Father!!!