Weekend with the FAM

Step FOUR.

Currently, to me step four is being willing (yes willing, not able or good at or successful or perfect at) willing to look at our past and consider that we built our mud houses ourselves.  And willing to consider that we ourselves chose to continue living in them.  Even though some of us didn't even think about getting a better house, or realize we even had the option.

So holidays happened.  Family time.  Lots of family time.  With all those people we love to pile all our mud on and say "your fault" "your fault" "your fault."  Poor me poor me... you get the idea.  In my head, for all these years, I've really believed that.  I'm always the victim, of course!!  How could any of this be my fault.  All I ever did was try to help everyone else!  Alas... tisn't true.  For now as I am looking back... and asking Heavenly Father to guide my thoughts and trusting Him to open my eyes... this holiday season I'm beginning to see differently.  As I look at what I, myself, have done to build joy in relationships... I don't see much to look at.  I do see wild attempts in all the wrong places.

I believe, now, the truth is this.  I don't feel joy in my family because I don't take risks.  Thus no trust.  Thus no development.  Thus... no love or intimacy or joy.  I don't express myself, I'm not honest with my feelings, I don't share my trials or triumphs, I'm not vulnerable in the least, and I don't set boundaries.  I can't remember a time that I ever did any of it.  I wear a smile.  I say everything is great.  All the time.  I lie and lie and lie.  I don't give anyone a chance to love the real me.  I make it worse by creating situations to be upset.  If I get 5 seconds of advice, I hold a grudge forever because so-and-so tried to tell me what to do "and wince, pout, they don't even know who I am!"  HELLOOO whose fault is that??

Though I've never been very honest, I was at least somewhat committed.  But I only seemed to step up when I felt needed.  But this past year, I gave up in the commitment field too.  Now I don't visit.  I don't call.  I don't text.  I show up when I have to - holidays and special events.  And when I'm there, I wrap myself up in my safe places to avoid the rest (safe places: the nieces and nephews, aka: the constant tender mercies of my life; little humans who shower me with love no matter what).

By the third day home I was done.  "Okay.  This is great.  It's all my fault.  I am the loser I've been fighting to prove I'm not.  I just wanna hide my face.  Nobody look at me."  There's no way I can be honest at this point.  "Hi, I've been hating you for years because of my loneliness, and for judging me, and now I realize you were mostly correct, my loneliness is on me, and you're a really great person."  Finally Sunday night as I'm driving home to my little college apartment, ever so numb now, wondering what in the world I'm going to say when my roommates ask, "So how was your holiday?"  (I've successfully avoided the question so far), I finally remembered I hadn't talked to Heavenly Father about all the many thoughts floating around my frozen emotionless mind (which is major progress for me to even think of that - thank you Holy Ghost!).  But.  I had no desire to pray.

Then I remembered.  I can be honest with God.

So I began.  Outloud.  "Heavenly Father... I don't wanna talk to you right now... "  I continued from there with every honest thought I could muster.  I eventually asked for help.  I went back to Step 1.  I said I have a lot of work to do and I can't do it alone.  I remembered Step 2 as I asked for tender mercies to help me know change is possible.  I thought of Step 3 and I asked for help to trust that He'll help everything work out in His time if I continue to work the steps.  I told him I felt ashamed.  He helped me be able to say and feel that it is what it is, I recognized Satan's part in the shame, and started to feel hopeful, and even a little bit grateful.  I learned a lot after all, and now change can happen.  I ended with asking for help finding my feelings again even if it takes a couple days to "thaw."

Confidence is being able to accept our imperfection and weaknesses and act anyway.  Pride is the opposite--trying to pretend and possibly even trying to convince ourselves we're perfect.

To me, Step 4 means being willing to take a good look at our mud houses we built, and being willing to consider that it is in fact OK to walk with confidence despite the mud on our feet.  

So.  I'm willing to consider.