Dating Dating So Much Dating

Hi!

I always say I wish I blogged on a good day.  So here I am!

First of all, I'm gonna drop a little bomb ... I struggle with what is known as Same Gender Attraction.  I say "what is known as" because I can't say I'm currently being attracted to the same gender.  I've worked hard to process that, find healing, and that has calmed down a lot.  But.  I still don't feel attracted to the opposite gender.  I've never felt attracted to men.  That's an entire post for another time.  Anyway, about dating.

Both my therapists have urged me to date at all stages of my recovery process, which made no sense to me.  The point is to try, learn, try, learn, try, learn.  Boy have I learned!  I'm glad I did it.  I did take a break from dating for about a year after I started therapy, but then I have just felt like I need to date date date.  It's been PAINFUL.  When I'm dating, I tend to dig up every reason to be upset with myself.  But this week, especially tonight, about a year after I started dating again, I'm finally seeing some sweet fruits.

Tonight I made a phone call to someone I'd been out with 7 times now.  I told him I was ready to just be friends, and that I felt peaceful about it.  Here's the thing!  Before, I use to feel such intense AWFUL shame when something didn't work out.  Everything was my fault.  I saw everything through the eyes of "I'm good enough" or "I can't, and I suck."  But during these past few dates ... that finally has started to change.

I've been practicing vulnerability on dates, and every single time I am ABSOLUTELY dumb-foundedly amazed that I got asked out again.  I told them all kinds of things - I don't like to cook, I'm not close to my family, I hardly visit them, I took 8 years and 3 schools to graduate, I'm an artist that doesn't make any money, I don't like to exercise, I have anxiety, I get depressed now and then, I don't feel attracted to men, I don't care about wearing cute shoes, I hate shopping, I watch a lot of movies... etc etc...  And still not a single one of these stellar, smart, top notch, high caliber spiritual hard working men, have run away.  They didn't even treat me differently.  They didn't act disappointed. They asked me out AGAIN!  And again and again!

I kept assuming they were just a special case, extra charitable.  Until I moved on to date the next guy... then I assumed there were just two extra charitable guys.  But now I have been through several, and another first date just this past weekend who I told the most I've ever told on a first date.  He's got HIGH standards and he's very picky, but he just called me while I was here writing this post to ask me out again!  WHAT.

For the first time, I'm starting to not just "learn" to stop worrying I'm not good enough, but experience the feeling of being good enough for a great guy, whoever it may be.  I feel the wall thinning.  I feel better about who I am.

I also feel more practiced at vulnerability, connecting with the opposite gender and just people in general, and letting out my personality.  I feel less concerned that I'm not feminine enough, pretty enough, that I don't dress cute enough, or that I am not spiritual enough.  Less concerned that I'm not enough!!  (I only said "less" concerned ...  let's not get carried away haha)

I don't feel excited about dating still.  Still would rather not.  But through opening up and trying new things, I've grown.  I've changed.  I've gotten to know myself better.  I've found greater access to the atonement, and that's the truth.

Oh!!  And!!  Tonight, as I "ended" this dating string with this guy on the phone, ... I realized that I was experiencing something new.  I wasn't blaming myself inside for this not working out.  I was able to see that it wasn't my fault, or his fault; it just is what it is.  We wouldn't make each other happy, and once I got talking to him about it I realized we both felt the same way.  I am learning to trust my feelings and follow them, instead of wallow in shame because of them!!  Duuude.  *breath of fresh air*

To end... I'm starting to feel something for someone... I'm starting to feel good around him similar to how I feel around my best girl friends...  This is new... but we're not dating... but this is new... like, really new...

DUN DUN DUN

Back to Recovery

Hey.

Hi.

How are ya?

I know, it's been a while.  Two months almost.

Sometimes I want to be done with recovery and just RECOVER, and move on.

I decided to try it out.  More like, I started feeling fabulous so I went with it.  And it has truly been incredible.  Felt like the Lord blessed me with two months of bliss, as if to foreshadow what I have to look forward to.  If that's true, I can't wait.

Alas, it didn't last.

I'm not saying life was peachy.  I'm saying I had a full scale of sorrow AND JOY.  I had new natural highs that filled my soul with delicious warm gooshies simply from looking at the sunrise, daily!  I could be with whomever I wanted, anxiety free.  I didn't feel any emotional pulls toward anyone except the Lord.  I regained my appetite, and handfuls of motivation which I put to good use.  I remained in the moment, unchanged, when someone brought up certain topics which previously threw me in the downward spiral.  I felt good enough for anyone, and threw myself into dating.  I was flourishing in my calling, serving, and making more friends in the ward than my roommates were.  My roommates have been stunned by my behavior and my calm confidence, as have I.  I have cried so many tears of great joy and gratitude for all of the above.  "Father, I'm so grateful.  I'm so grateful."  I finally got outside myself and found the beautiful world that surrounded me, and never wanted to leave.  I read scriptures and conference talks with purpose instead of "help me help me."  My therapist, at my complete surprise, said I was good to go, and we said goodbye.  I know right?

I never regained the ability to sleep through the night, however.  Even prescribed sleep aids weren't much help.  Eventually work became difficult to sit through with sudden random anxiety attacks.   I felt like the Lord was protecting my mood though, as I still had motivations and normal highs and lows.  Til a week or two ago I realized I wasn't feeling those highs anymore.  Just lows.  And now here I am.  Wanting to give up.  How did this happen???

I wish I had blogged on a good day.  There were so many awesome things I could have shared and documented.  Oh well.

By tomorrow I'll be ready to accept the fact that the Lord still has more for me to learn, and study this out more.  I have a few good ideas of how this could have possibly been avoided...  But today I'm going to simply ride the wave.  It's been a long week.  Gonna go relax.

***

Okay but also next time we HAVE to talk about dating.  Of all times to start dating Mr. Wonderful.... uuuugh.  More later.

Real Power in Prayer

I have become reaquainted with the concept of what prayer can actually do.

My institute teacher Wednesday night stated, "I truly believe that prayer has much greater power than we realize or use it for.  I believe it can do so much for us if we utilized it as it is meant to be utilized.  I truly believe that."

And so do I.

I'd been struggling struggling struggling, and trying and trying and trying to make things right.  It wasn't working.

Finally, one night on my knees, I gave up.  Looking back I'm like, "Oh... Step 1... why didn't I do that sooner?!"  I asked the Lord for the specific thing I wanted most.  I pleaded.  I begged.  I felt shame in asking for what I wanted, but I felt it was my last option.  That, or make a really big messy inconvenient change in my life that I really didn't want to do, but was about to do out of desperation.  But first, I finally asked Heavenly Father for help.  That night things began to go more different than usual.  The next day things were even better.  The next day, at the temple, I felt everything suddenly feel right and at peace again.  And it's been absolutely fantastic ever since.  But I am still praying specifically, in all aspects, and continually finding more ways I can pray.

Help me focus on what matters above all else, including other people.

Please soften the hearts of others toward me.  Please save these relationships and help us recognize truth vs lies among us, in the midst of moments that count.

Help me say only things I really mean, and out of actual care and concern for the other person, UNlaced with ulterior motives, not really just trying to get my own needs met.  Help me recognize selfishness in my affections and service, and help me to serve others out of genuine desire for others' welfare.

Help me feel important without needing other people to validate me ALL the time.  Help me see my beauty, my strength, and help me recognize the goodness in myself.  Help me have the desire to stand tall, head held high, pleased with my gifts and talents and abilities Thou bestowed upon me, willing and wanting to share them and lift others.

Help me remember all these good things are because of Christ, not me.  Not me.  Help me think of Him.  Help me remember Him.  Help me know He's there and a part of my life, when I otherwise might forget.

...

Etc.  This past week has been far different from the past 3 months.  My appetite is back to normal.  I can sleep at night.  I can concentrate/focus for the most part.  I'm not a constant hot mess, crying all the time, wishing I could move on to the next life.



Prayer.  It's working for me.

Detoxing From Her. Again.

So I really just this this is a cute picture :)

Hi.

So, first the bad/honest/raw/ugly.  Then the light/truth/learning/hope.

My name is Girl, and I'm addicted to my roommate.  :(  And here go the tears lol

I suffer from Dependent Personality Disorder symptoms.  According to my therapist, the difference between me and someone who HAS this disorder is that I'm self-aware of my thoughts/behaviors and uncomfortable in the symptoms, and have the ability to try other behaviors in the moment despite my strong natural tendencies.  Someone IN the disorder is convinced they're perfectly normal, and everyone else is wrong.  So . . . yay for me, I'm self aware?  Should be glad I suppose.  Except that... I still suffer the symptoms.  And "aware," on a day I'm out of touch with faith in Christ and hope, just means, "I suck."  Random side note - I never use to use that word.  I didn't feel it was enlightening or worth using, ever.  Til one day I needed a word that matched how I felt, and I began using words like "sucks" and "crap."  I plan to kick those words out again once I get past recovery.  But we'll see.

Faith.  I use to have that.  I'm finding it again, or at least seeking to find it, but man I have back-slided so far and didn't even realize it til I began detoxing from my friend, again.  Wow.  I am FAR.  So super dependent and unable to see or believe that anything else can fulfill my needs.  Now when my sponsor, or friends, or Bishop, or Sunday school teachers, or visiting teachers, or home teachers try to tell me that with Christ, He will be enough, I'm like... whatever.  Today I burst into tears on the phone with my sponsor and said, "But He's NOT enough!  He's not."  Of course, I feel that way because I haven't made the steps necessary to let Him in enough, to be enough.

I hate step 4 and I don't want to do it.  I don't believe step 5 is going to change anything.  I don't have faith that I'll feel better longer than a few days, maybe a week.  At group a girl spoke of doing step 5 that very day and how light she felt, and all I could think was, "Yeah... today might be nice but you'll feel the same as before in a few days."  I recognize that if I don't believe, how can the miracle occur?  If I don't have hope, how can I move forward?  If I don't have faith, then guess I just get to sit here in my mess of misery and dysfunction and loneliness and eventually I'm like, "So what's the point?"  Also, if God really does have control of our lives, if we are in His care, if He has power to bless us and make things okay, then again.  I ask.  Where is He?  Why did all these things happen?  It's all a lie and I am tired.

That's where I was.  But I finally went back to group Thursday (I got a chunk of Step 4 done this past week so I felt like more worthy to attend).

At the beginning of group I was like, "Whatever.  This isn't going to help.  I'm stuck like this forever.  I suck.  Life sucks.  I hate it.  All these people are lying to me."



By the end of group I was like, " . . . . . . . . Oh."  haha...




I remembered what detox really means, and realized I'm just riding the wicked horrible awful emotional and physical waves of detoxing, and remembered that my brain will find peace in time.  In time.

I remembered that Satan really is a part of this whole thing, and maybe I really am believing lies, and even if a good bunch of them are true for me right now, they don't have to stay that way.  I can change.  I've done it before.

I realized I'm living in fear and constantly reacting to shame, judgement, resentment, old memories, assumptions, failed expectations.  And skittles, lots of skittles!

And I realized I don't have to react.  I get to choose another course if I want.  Except I honestly feel like I can't pull out of it sometimes... and in those times, I can be so much more gentle with myself instead of "I'll always be this way, I'll always hurt people, I'll always be alone, I'll always damage friendships." Maybe I always will.  But I can choose not to if I try really hard.  I can even choose to say, "Okay.  I can't do it.  I need help."  I'm finally giving in and looking into meds.  That's a blog post for another time.

I realized that even though it seems (seems!) terrible now, that if I didn't have the Lord with me... it could be SO MUCH worse.  I decided I wanted to make a list of all the ways the Lord has made things actually good.  Cuz in reality, I have so much to be so grateful for.

I remembered I have other friends.  Who are important to me.  Who I love and who love me, even when I'm all a mess.  Sometimes they are busy, or need their space too, and that is okay.

***

So.  The update with my roommate.  Here's the thing - I've been battling for a long time whether it's a good idea to continue living with her.  What if I just moved out, got new friends, and freed myself of all the anxiety??  No more adrenaline flooding, shaking, shortness of breath, ready to puke panic attacks just because she didn't say hi to me when she came home before going straight to her room, shutting the door, and going to bed.  No more sobbing from my bedroom as I listen to her talk for an hour to our other roommate who shares a bunk bed with her.  No more temptations to control, manipulate, and punish her for not meeting my needs.  I could do it.  I could just remove myself from the drug.

I've discussed it with my therapist.  "Yeah, you could do that.  Like you have before, and the time before that.  Or you could stick it out and work hard and learn how to find a healthy balance.  But chances are, you'll fall right back into the same pattern with someone else.  Running doesn't solve the problem.  While you have a friend who is willing to set boundaries for herself, and communicate with you, might as well take advantage of this time to learn."  Which is the same thing my roommate told me last time I discussed the idea of moving out.  But that was a long time ago.  This is now.  And right now, she's tired of me.

Tired of discussing.  Burned out of communicating.  Tired of having to fight for trust from me.  Tired of reassuring me.  How do I know?  She told me.  And ya know what?  I really don't blame her.  Shortly after telling me she wanted space, I asked if she would mind discussing it with me so I could better understand where I went wrong, and could learn from it and be better for her and future relationships.  I wanna be a good wife someday for someone!

This time though, she said, "I'd rather not.  That's part of my frustration.  You're always so sensitive about our friendship and so that makes you a target of my frustrations with several people I'm frustrated with, and I'm sorry.  I just need a break for a little while and then I should be good.  But you don't have to act or behave differently, it's just a me thing, and I still love ya."  Yeah, we're both a little codependent.  I know that.

I let her know it's not just her, it's me too, and I'll try to still act the same, only I promised to be less needy and less guilt-trippy (I can be so guilt-trippy!), and more trusting and respectful of her space.  Things have been way better between us since then, but man my anxiety and depression are going nuts.  I don't have my drug anymore.  I decided, while she's taking a break, I could probably use a detox.  A real, good one.  All hell was already breaking loose before this (thus my over-exerted neediness that drove her away at that time), and now it just feels that much harder.  I even had a SA user-dream, and it's been a long long time since I had one of those.

One post doesn't have room for everything, and everything isn't necessary to tell.  Basically I'm about 13 days into the detox now, and finally ready to reach out a little, and remind myself there is life outside of the drug.  There are PLENTY other things, more important things, to sustain me in life.  In time I'll come to know it is the Lord first and foremost.

No Satan, I have more than 2 choices.  I won't be alone forever, and I won't always make people miserable.  There is a point to trying again.  And again and again.  There is still hope for me!  And, I don't suck.

By the way, I just reviewed Dependent Personality Disorder again... and I'm actually doing better than I thought!  I still struggle, but a few of the things I read are no longer true for me (most the time).  Yay. :)

"We can do this"

Huge Fear Finally Faced, and the Aftermath

I've never struggled with clinical anxiety at all, not like I do now, until the fall of 2011.  All at once I fell apart and have been struggling just to feel safe, calm, and happy ever since.  What was the event?  For the first time in my life I was honest with another person about my own feelings, and told about a dark even in my life, of which I'd convinced others and myself that I was fine.  Vulnerability did me in.  With the help of the spirit, Heavenly Father, my Savior, therapists, group therapy, and dear friends, I've come a very long way.  First I learned to say a few words to one person, then a few words to two people, and then a few more words to those few people, and within a year I was growing more and more able to be real and myself with many people in many situations, even in the midst of immense physical anxiety symptoms and its accompanying depression.  Eventually I learned to let God back in, and believe He really can help me too, and possibly didn't abandon me.

So what are my fears?  Today we were asked to write them down in Relief Society.  Many are still the same today as they were before:

I'm not good enough to be loved/I'm unlovable.
I'm not good enough for God and His ability to bless my life.
I will always be alone.
I will always be replaced by someone better.
Everyone always leaves me.
I'm just meant to help others but not worth help and love in return.
I sucked at life and wasted time in school (just graduated) and don't have anything of actual worth to show for it.
I'll never have a family who loves me unconditionally, nor do I deserve one.
I'll always be a disappointment to those I love.
I'll lose myself if I get into a relationship.
I'll be afraid and hurt and scared and faithless for the rest of my life.

Thus, again, I'm unlovable.

Throughout my course of therapy, I have tried to believe that my family possibly is more available to me than I had suspected, and maybe it was just me who was just too afraid to reach out, and that my walls were too high and too thick.  I have often told myself, "One day we can have close relationships, when I learn to practice vulnerability and honesty with them.  We're not close because of ME.  So there's a chance."  I've held on to that all this time.  All this time.

To make a very long story short, I've tried it out with each sibling.  I've tried reaching out, being real, showing my weaknesses and being honest with what hurts.  And each one has shown me they are unable to be what I want and need.  One sister in particular is one of whom I have always looked up to and whose words have always meant the most to me, almost as a Mother figure, as my own mom has been sick and emotionally unavailable for 10 years.  Over the past two weeks, I have made the most of an attempt one could make in my shoes, and I was harshly shot down, with words that stung.  We were both completely open and honest, and I found out what she really thinks of me.  Apparently, my "irrational assumptions and fears," of all these years, were actually real.

They were real.

She was my last option of someone I could really talk to, who I thought would take time to understand me AND respect me AND provide support without becoming a codependent relationship.  Instead I was insulted in every possible way, and she refused to listen before deciding and declaring what kind of person she thought I was.

At first I was hurt because, well, her words hurt.  Deep.  The pain has lasted a few weeks, but I feel I've "endured it well."  However, a cool thing also happened here that is worth mentioning.  Just this:

I faced one of my greatest fears of all time - rejection from the family member whose opinion of things and opinion of me I care about the most - and I survived it.  I realized it was time to let her opinion go, and move forward caring more about opinions who actually matter.  That of God's, and my own.  Was I successful? - That is debatable, and I would probably argue "unsuccessful."  I'd read scriptures, I'd asked my visiting teacher and home teachers to pray for me that I'd have peace of this matter specifically, I'd read great conference talks, I'd pleaded on my knees, I attended the temple, and I reached out to those I trust.  I believe I did all I could do.

A few days ago, the day after I went to the temple, the tender mercy arrived.  This very sister suddenly texted me a compliment and then an apology.  I felt it was an answer to prayer, and thanked the Lord for impressing her to text me, and for her ability to listen to the spirit.  I responded with honesty once again, and kept the ball in my court.  I explained to her this:  I'm still hurt a great deal, but I understand I can't control her, and it is my job to find my own resolution with the help of the Lord, and to find a way to trust His opinions of me instead of hers, and that eventually with time He would heal my heart and I'd be able to let it go.  I thanked her for her apology, and that was it.  She still never took anything back that she said.  This response gave me the resolution I needed.  I acknowledged to myself and to her that I can't control her opinion, and that's gonna have to be okay.  But I wasn't ready for what was to follow next.

You see, I let her go.  All these years I'd held on to the possibility of being close to her, and now all at once, all of a sudden, I have had to let go of that hope.  Some things don't work out, and being close to any single member of my family, the closeness that I crave and need and expected might happen, will never happen.

Our relationships will have to remain more distant emotionally, at least I don't see how they could change any time soon at this point.  I've tried, and you know what?  Good for me.  I took the risk.  I made an effort.  Now I don't have to live in "maybe land" anymore, because now I know and can move forward.  But this means a terrible, terrible truth that has sunk it's way deep into the sorest spot of my heart.  I feel like she died.  The image I had of what we could be is no more.  I feel as if I've lost someone of immense importance, like when I lost my mom to mental illness, all over again.  Like when anyone else in my life left and didn't miss me.  I feel like she was my last possible option of what the word "family" could really mean, and now I have to face a huge empty hole of nothingness.

Basically, I'm grieving a loss and I'm in the first of 5 steps of the grieving process, and that's gonna have to also be okay.  I can't seem to stop crying.  I don't know how to mend this wound.  I don't know how I can go on and find joy.  If I wasn't good enough for my family, who are good people solid in the gospel, then how could I be enough for anyone else?  Where are God's promises and why aren't they being kept?  I'm doing my part.  When does it get better??  When do I get to be happy?  Why so much heartache???  I can't handle anymore of this!  (dude check out the anxiety thinking - "black and white thinking" - all over that paragraph)

I've been sobbing at nights and last night I felt too defeated to kneel and as I lay in my bed crying, I asked God, "If you love me, why ____?  And if you love me, why ____?  Do you really love me?  Then why ______?..."  It was mostly just that.  I went to sleep feeling ashamed for asking such questions, but I had nothing else.  I expected Godly reprimand.  But as Elder Wirthlin said, "Sunday will come."  And mine did.

Church today was everything and everything and everything and more of what I needed to hear.  A direct answer to my defeated questioning, "Do you love me?"  One could not mistake how aware the Lord is of me today.  We had fast and testimony meeting, and I've never heard a meeting revolve around the principle of "families" so much as today.  Everyone wanted to echo the bearer of testimony before him, to talk about the power and strength of family.  Yes it hurt, but even more, it told me something important - the Lord knows what is hurting me, and that He understands.  He isn't mad, He isn't interested in scolding me, and He isn't disappointed in me.  Just that He knows, He understands, He knows it hurts and He feels it too, and it's okay.  Sunday school was about adversity and trials and how to get through.  Relief Society was all about Faith vs. Fear.  Yep, I know, right?  And that was A GOOD lesson.  One discussion felt so much like group therapy, and I almost raised my hand to share, but was too afraid of crying, so I didn't.  Next time.  Then there was choir practice, and I'm the choir director.  We perform next week, and the whole song came together beautifully today for the first time.  We even left early because it sounded so good.

I still hurt so much, my anxiety is rising (though still manageable for now), and I'm battling Satan in my head like crazy.  I'm running out of energy to fight his lies anymore.  I still don't know what to do at this point for my pain, except cry.  And pray, and read, and reach out, but mostly just cry.  I'm not brave enough to reach out in the midst of the tears, at least not in person.  But I do know that the Lord is here, I know He cares, I know He loves me, and that He wants me to be happy.  For now, that is good enough.  Thanks for listening.

Therapy Notes - Risks, Dependency, Building Myself, Drinking From Own Well, etc

Written on May 27th:

Today I had therapy.

I was in a really great mood so I didn't think I'd have much to say, and planned to use our session to discuss how to make therapy more meaningful.  Little did I know how much work can be done in therapy when your whole session doesn't require time spent on the problems and anxieties of the moment.  Today we were able to discuss solutions.  And I found out how much work there is to be done.  Oy.

I talked about going to AZ with my friends, and how good I felt, and how I had achieved healthy attachments with these friends, compared to my roommate, my unhealthy attachment.  He said, tell me more about your roommate then.  Oookay.  So we rehashed the same stuff we'd already discussed.  I felt my eyes burning as I could tell this was still a problem for me.

"You need to watch that this person doesn't become your drug.  Where you rely on this person to make you happy.  Where in your head, she is the only way to escape your isolation, your hopelessness, your pain, your loneliness, your depression, your anxiety, etc."

The healthy way is to not just have one outlet and person, but lots of meaningful places and people, and they become meaningful because I practice vulnerability and closeness with them too.  I knew that already.  We'd discussed this before.  I knew we were just going to repeat ourselves, again, so I changed the pace.  I am the pilot of my therapy after all.

As he talked, he said something interesting that I wanted to ask about.  "In our many other meaningful places, this includes other friends but it also includes ourselves.  And it also includes God.  We must learn to drink deeply from other wells, and our own well."

My own well??  I finally asked, "How does one drink deeply from their own well?"  (What is there to drink?  What do I have to give myself that could be that meaningful?)

He explained, "We are social creatures, we are hard-wired to be with other people.  But we're ALSO hard-wired to appreciate ourselves, and enjoy our own company.  When we're appreciating ourselves, it means we like who we are, we appreciate our personalities, our sense of humors, how smart we are, we learn things, we seek to do things we enjoy, we create hobbies, we get pedicures and massages, we spend time reading books that we like."

"I'm not very good at that," I admitted.  He expressed appreciation for my honesty, and that this recognition is difficult and also a terrific step toward recovery.

He then talked about how if we want to change, there is a 2 PART process.  One is identifying what to get rid of (the negative beliefs and behaviors, or the lies we believe from the adversay) and the other is the replacement part.  We must replace it with something healthy, something true, so we have something else to do or believe when the bad parts try to come back, "which they always will" he said.  He gave me a great hand-out on which I will write down lies I believe, and next to it on the other column I'll write down the replacement truth, then turn to a page and choose from a number of distortions they match up with so I can catch which distortions the adversary is using on me the most.  He said if the truths are hard to figure out, which is often the case with his clients, then we can work on them together when I come back next time.

"It's much easier to drink from our own wells and appreciate our own company, if we first dismiss the lies we believe about ourselves, and learn to love who we are."

I told him about how I just graduated from college.  How I don't enjoy what I do.  I feel stuck in a life/career I'm not thrilled about.  But what else is there?  I don't enjoy seeking things out to do for myself anyway...  I asked if what I need to do is think of something I like, and do it over and over until I start to enjoy, even though at first I have to go through the motions to enjoy.  "Not necessarily.  If it's something we've already tried and still don't particularly love, doing more of it isn't going to guarantee we'll love it.  We can try new things.  Find out what kind of things it is you enjoy doing.  Are you the type who loves service and making other people happy?  Maybe you would love to volunteer at a hospital and hold babies or something."

I was shocked.  Helping others have happiness can be a healthy hobby???  Well hip hip horray!

I told him my recent discovery of how I  feel shame in service.  Without skipping a beat, he said, "Yep.  That just means the pendulum has swung too far on the other side, so we need to bring it back and find balance.  Service is perfectly fine.  It's only unhealthy when we've focused all our energy on one place, one person."  Hmmm.  So I can go hold babies??  It doesn't mean I'm codependent???  I can find a job/hobby that involves helping people?

He had handed me another handout earlier that I hadn't seen before and suddenly noticed it, so I asked him to tell me about it.

He explained that in order to have the ultimate joy, we MUST take risks that could lead to the ultimate pain.  Talk about new understanding to 2nd Nephi 2 - opposition in all things.  He said the greater pain we risk, the greater joy we can have.  If we're only willing to risk a tiny bit of pain, we'll only experience a tiny bit of joy.  Which for many, is not enough to actually detect or feel.  Which means, we live numb lives.  Like mine.  The only way to get out of numb, is to risk pain.

Dang it.

That made me think of something.  I told him how I'm in charge of our family reunion this year.  I said my fear is that I'm going to go through the motions of this whole event, feeling no excitement, no joy, nothing, and march myself through each hour, making sure everyone else has fun, until it's over and then I can go home.  This is exactly how I feel mostly through almost every family event and holiday, and have felt that way for years.  I don't feel anything.  I don't look forward to anything.  I don't enjoy things when they're happening, particularly family events.  I just go through the motions of life and I don't know how to change it.  Except, looks like now I do.

So for the reunion, he said, "You need to plan things for the reunion that will make you care about it.  Put some thought into it, create a theme, invest yourself, plan activities you care about."  My original plan was to only plan things I knew for certain that others would enjoy.  I at least chose a location that was important to me, and that was a HUGE risk--I was done risking after that.  I'd give the rest away to what everyone else wanted to do.  But.... if I want to have joy in this reunion, I have to invest myself in this event.  And what's even harder, really hard, is that if I want to have joy with the people there (my family) I'm going to have to take risks in my relationships with them.

So, now I have a goal this summer.  :)  Hi ho hi ho!  Off to work recovery I go!

Back to today:

Hi y'all!  I've been practicing risk taking since that session, and I can tell you I have felt the most exquisite joys over the past month, stronger than I've felt in what feels like years.  My family reunion is this very weekend, and I FEEL legitimately excited about it!  I'll keep you posted.

Mountains to Climb

Life is hard stuff, eh?

Dear Self, I Forgive You

Dear Dust,

I want you to know I understand you were scared, you felt trapped, you were afraid of his response and of the response of anyone else who found out.  I know you feel you betrayed the family by pushing him away, and that you failed as a family member in the goal of family unity.  Like you ruined something and it's your fault.  You feel it's your fault there is a lack of unity and that maybe, had you been kinder or more patient or understanding, or had you let him do these things without feeling angry, things would be okay.  Or had you made more of an effort to accept his loving actions and words and behaviors....  but the truth is, you couldn't.

Truth is, Dust, he has been inappropriate with you.  Someone needed to stop it, and only you could do that.  You did the right thing, and you would have been better to do this a long time ago.  It's true you failed at protecting me.  I'm sad you didn't protect me much sooner.  I'm sad you failed at helping me when I was in distress.  I'm sad you overlooked my feelings and needs and cared more about his instead!  I needed you, and you weren't there for me.

As I said, I understand you were scared, but that doesn't make it okay.  It's not okay you failed me.  But Dust, I love you.  I know you want to do what's right.  I know you're doing your best.  And I want you to know, that although you did fail, I forgive you Dust.  Failure is a part of life, a part of learning, and it's good to fail sometimes.  Sometimes we mess up, like you did.  I'll be honest though--that feeling of forgiveness might take some time to sink in, but I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I'll work hard to not hold this over your head.  I wish I could promise I won't punish you for it, but I fear that my own human side will get the best of me.  I might isolate you, I might put you in hurtful situations, I might not let you interact honestly with people you love, and I might keep you from the spirit because deep down, unfortunately, I feel you don't deserve it.  But I do forgive you, and I will do my best to treat you like you DO deserve.

While we're at it, I want to apologize to you.  Dust, I'm sorry for the high expectations I have for you.  Most unreasonable and at times extremely unrealistic.  I am sorry for needing you to be perfect all the time.  For giving you anxiety and interrupting your sleeping and eating patterns.  I'm sorry for making you think you're a failure at life simply because of your weakness in not being able to avoid anxiety and depressive symptoms even.  I'm sorry I listen to the adversary so often, and then blame you for it.

Here's some more truth.  You're a good girl.  It makes me sad how you spend so much time listing off all the things you do wrong.  Your perception of life is a constant narrative of how you could have done something better or how you screwed up, how it's your fault you feel lonely, and that you'll never get it right.  You poor thing.  My heart goes out to you!  That is miserable and I hope you can one day see yourself as you really are, and seek to lean on the Atonement instead.  Let go of reason, expectation, worry, and your need to punish.  Let go and let the Savior in instead.  I'm still learning this too.  We'll learn together.

Tell you what.  I will hold your hand.  I'll tell you you can do it.  I'll tell you, "chin up."  I'll wrap you up in a warm blanket of the spirit and atonement.  I'll work to not leave you stranded anymore.  I'll make sure you have friends to support you and love you and lift you.  I'll give you quality time with me.  Yes, just you and me.  We'll go on walks, we'll read books, we'll write and we'll sing and we'll play music that we love.  Maybe we'll go hold babies.  :)  And we'll even get a job that makes us happy.  Things will be better.

I love you.  I know you're trying.  You're doing good and I thank you for your hard work and the great things you are doing now.  We'll make it and we'll make it because we have our Brother, and Savior, and all His love which will make up, and has made up, all the difference.

You're awesome.  :)  I love you.

Love, Me

Letter to Dad: "Stop Touching Me"

Yesterday I sent an email in which I finally told my father that all physical touch from him is unwelcome and no longer allowed.

I know right!?  Alrighty, now that the ice is broken.... where to begin?

You may be familiar with the terms, "Covert Sexual Abuse," "Emotional Incest," "Covert Incest," "Surrogate Spousing"...  Without any actual sexual activity occurring, this is basically when a parent interacts with their child in an adult way, usually in a way that ought to be with their own spouse instead.  This takes place in many different forms, and can occur between a parent and child of the opposite or same gender, or even between older and younger siblings.  Often this happens due to a loss of or distance from one's spouse, leaving the parent with an emptiness which drives them to use their child in order to fill that emptiness.  Usually the parent is completely unaware of their inappropriate behavior, and though unintentional, their words and actions are still damaging their child in an abusive way.  A classic example is the mom who leans on her son, crying in his little arms, saying, "Mommy feels better now that she has you to take care of me.  You're so sweet and good to Mommy.  What would Mommy do without you?"  Moms, please don't go there with your chilluns.  This is a classic way to raise codependent children by the way.  ;)

My mom has been sick for a good ten years.  She became severely depressed when I was a teen, and at the same time, my dad happened to also retire from his career.  He lost both is career and his wife at the same time.  I'm his "baby," the youngest of the family, the only unmarried child, and even though he never showed much interest in me before, I soon became his new focus.  My siblings have since warned me of how he seems to need to micromanage and baby me, making sure I do everything perfect.  He has never molested me or done anything openly inappropriate, but I cannot recall one time in my life when I was happy to be in my dad's presence, or glad to give him a hug, or wanting him to even be near me.  For years I couldn't pin-point why I felt SO intensely this way.  The reasons I could list to my friends never made sense.

Me:  "He always insists on doing everything for me, he writes me all these love emails, he's always giving me money.  He won't stop texting me how much he loves me even though I don't ever ever ever say it back."    

Friends:  Eye roll.  "Poor you."  "It just sounds like he's trying to be nice."  "Maybe you should try being grateful."  "Give him a chance."

But I didn't care for him, and I felt guilty for it.  It's true, he's a very nice person.  Everyone comments on how nice, tender, sweet, and wonderful my dad is.  Over the past few years, however, his words and behaviors have evolved.  Though I never wanted him to touch me before, and never felt like hugging him, slowly I felt more and more smothered by his physical love.  It's sensual and it's a lot of it.

Eventually I couldn't be in the same room with him without turning off my "Dad Radar."  At family gatherings, I knew at every moment his location and position in a room, where his hands were, who he was talking to, which direction he was facing.  I moved about the room in such a way as to avoid him.  I wouldn't make eye contact, but if I did, I quickly talked to someone before he could talk to me.  Didn't want to encourage anything.  I had to be smooth, so nobody would know of course.  Sometimes I didn't get away fast enough, and I was trapped.  During his love, and when he finished, I always felt something deep in my stomach churn, wanting to explode, and I would secure again a heavy vice on top.  Press it back down.  Greet the numbness which followed.

In the midst of his affection, the worst part is his smile, his sweet talking voice almost like baby-talk, and how he acts so loving, telling me how much he loves and misses me.  I never respond, I always stiffen up, lean away, and I move out of his reach the first chance I get.  But he never picks up on the hints.  I have even literally grabbed his hands, angrily, and tried to pull them off my face as he lifted my face to his lips for a kiss.  His hands were stronger.

Therapists have told me to say something to him, but I wasn't brave enough.   He's a crier, I'm still financially dependent on him, I'm afraid of facing him in the first place, and again afterwards, and besides... what if my friends are right.  Maybe he's just a nice dad, and I'm being a selfish ungrateful child.  Would that make me a terrible daughter??

Well, this past Saturday I attended a family wedding and let's just say my dad was feeling extra loving towards me that day.  I wasn't successful at getting away, and because people constantly surrounded us, I was afraid to say anything or make a scene.  Three different instances I was loved on.  I despised him deeply with each and every millisecond that dragged past.  I went home in a mixture of complete rage and stone numbness.  That night I dreampt of bruising myself all over, which is something I use to do - not in dreams - back when I felt extreme anger and frustration and unable/unallowed to express it.

Driving home from the wedding, my mind revisited the many times I've been encouraged to tell him how I feel and to set a boundary.  Finally for the first time, I felt ZERO hesitation.  For the first time, I felt zero responsibility for his feelings if I were to hurt him, and cared more about me feeling safe and comfortable instead.  Which is a huge deal!!!  I have been so tired of hating him so much, and tired of feeling so ashamed of hating him.

I'm way too chicken to say these things in person.  As my first therapist said, "a text or email is much better than nothing at all."  I wrote the email Sunday night. I let two trusted friends and my sponsor read it and give me feedback, and then I sent it yesterday (Monday) around 6:50 pm.  I didn't apologize for my feelings, I kept it short and simple, and I was honest and direct.  I haven't been able to sleep much since Saturday, and am feeling a little anxious....  But guess WHAT?

Freedom at last.  :)

I know Heavenly Father understands my dad's weakness and frailty.  I know He gets why he does what he does, and understands the ignorance on my dad's part.  He knows my dad feels lonely, and painful emptiness.  But when did Heavenly Father say I had to be the cure?  When did He say I had to suffer so someone else could feel good?  No, this is not part of the plan here folks!!  I am a person, and I get to feel safe, and I get to take actions and set boundaries that make my life safe and comfortable.  I know the Lord understands where I am coming from, and why I did what I did.  I know God not only supports me in this, but He's been wanting this for me from the beginning.  And now I can move forward and work instead on forgiveness.

Guess what?  God and I can do hard things.   :)

P.S.  Parents, the healthy way is that once your kids get older, maybe 13 or so, it's time to let them initiate physical affection.  This helps them learn they are of value, and that they get to have control of their space and their body.  This will help them build healthy self image, healthy future relationships and intimacy, and could even help them avoid situations of assault or rape in the future.  Otherwise your affection can begin to feel "gross" to them, and they learn to suppress and ignore what they want, need, or feel, in order to focus on fulfilling someone else's wants and needs instead.  If you want a hug, you can ask your child for one.

Read more on emotional incest here: http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_21.htm

A Pattern

Doc n Cov 52:14-19

 14 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth ^adeceiving the nations—

 15 Wherefore he that (1)prayeth, whose (2)spirit is ^acontrite, the same is ^baccepted of me if he (3)obey mine ^cordinances.

 16 He that (4)^aspeaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose (5)language is meek and ^bedifieth, the same is of God if he obey mine ordinances.

 17 And again, he that (6)trembleth under my power shall be made^astrong, and shall bring forth fruits of praise and ^bwisdom, according to the revelations and truths which I have given you.

 18 And again, he that is overcome and ^abringeth not forth fruits, even according to this pattern, is not of me.

 19 Wherefore, by this pattern ye shall ^aknow the spirits in all cases under the whole heavens.

PATTERN OUTLINE:

1. Pray -
Communicate with Heavenly Father and turn to our Savior regularly and honestly. Remaining checked in with God is most powerful in keeping Satan checked out.

2. Contrite Spirit - 
Having a recognition of our desperate need for what only the Lord can give, relying on Him and letting Him in even when sometimes we don't want to.  Otherwise Satan has room to tell us to rely on ourselves, or to use other tools that will only hurt us.

3. Obey Ordinances - 
Pick out the commandments you don't strive to keep and begin striving.  (me: regular scripture study.... service.... regular temple attendance.... putting the Lord first before fb/email/blogging/friends/movies/books....)  Obedience brings a large measure of the spirit to us, which is like a huge auto-shield of protection from Satan.

4.  Speaketh - 
To me this is honesty.  Saying how we feel, sharing our own truth, let our thoughts feelings and our reality come out of the cold dark isolation where Satan can otherwise deceive.  By keeping a contrite spirit as we share, the spirit can guide our words and we can recognize verbally with our friends our need for a Savior in our lives.

5. Language is Meek and Edifieth - 
To me, this refers to more than swearing and dirty jokes.  To me this is more like missionary work, or even a step 12 ish type of thing.  How many of us have shared and edified another when we only began step 1?  Probably all of us.  :)  Let us also recognize that no matter how awful we feel, we must not speak to others in a hurtful or degrading way.  This is contrary to the pattern.  Let us seek to edify and recognize our need for the Lord in all things.

6. Tremble under God's Power - 
How much better to tremble under God's power than to tremble under Satan's or man's power?  If we "fear" the Lord first, we will be made strong before Satan and man.  Let us be so aware and grateful for the great Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power God can extend that we recognize that in comparison to God, we are simply of the dust.

Promised blessings if follow pattern:

• Acceptance of God
• Become like Him
• Be made strong
• Bring forth fruits of praise and wisdom
• Know the spirits in all cases under the whole Heavens

What I Want From Recovery

(Just wanted to remind myself reasons why I'm working the program)

• Develop a meaningful intimate relationship with my Savior and Father in Heaven
• Have an actual relationship with myself
• Receive joy and experience the whole scale of emotions appropriately, without shame
• Shed pride
• Shed shame
• Replace worry and fear with faith and hope
• Create bonds of intimacy with family and friends
• Live life whole heartedly
• Have the spirit
• Recognize the spirit
• Have faith to follow the spirit
• Experience fruits of following the spirit
• Look forward to the next spiritual experience
• Find joy and even urgency in scripture study again
• Trust God
• Learn to trust and rely on the Lord in moments of need first, before myself or others
• Let go of the past
• Create a new future
• Feel like I'm important and of value
• Seek out opportunities to do missionary work
• Have joy in redeeming the dead and being in the temple
• Be able to breathe steadily when I experience feelings of distance from those I'm attached to
• Be able to just be myself, letting my personality shine
• Get out of my head and enjoy the present moment
• Be in situations that no longer trigger bitter memories and feelings
• Develop strong sense of self and identity connected to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
• Find joy in doing things for myself
• Knowledge to share and pass on 
• Ability to embrace what life gives me, to ride the waves, and learn from each trial
• Be able to serve without expectations or fear of other's expectations
• Have simple joy in simple service in many places
• Develop a healthy support system
• Utilize my support system without shame
• Feel gratitude daily
• Get married to a man and build a family based on love, trust, and the gospel of Jesus Christ

(may to be added onto as I think of more)