Dear Self, I Forgive You

Dear Dust,

I want you to know I understand you were scared, you felt trapped, you were afraid of his response and of the response of anyone else who found out.  I know you feel you betrayed the family by pushing him away, and that you failed as a family member in the goal of family unity.  Like you ruined something and it's your fault.  You feel it's your fault there is a lack of unity and that maybe, had you been kinder or more patient or understanding, or had you let him do these things without feeling angry, things would be okay.  Or had you made more of an effort to accept his loving actions and words and behaviors....  but the truth is, you couldn't.

Truth is, Dust, he has been inappropriate with you.  Someone needed to stop it, and only you could do that.  You did the right thing, and you would have been better to do this a long time ago.  It's true you failed at protecting me.  I'm sad you didn't protect me much sooner.  I'm sad you failed at helping me when I was in distress.  I'm sad you overlooked my feelings and needs and cared more about his instead!  I needed you, and you weren't there for me.

As I said, I understand you were scared, but that doesn't make it okay.  It's not okay you failed me.  But Dust, I love you.  I know you want to do what's right.  I know you're doing your best.  And I want you to know, that although you did fail, I forgive you Dust.  Failure is a part of life, a part of learning, and it's good to fail sometimes.  Sometimes we mess up, like you did.  I'll be honest though--that feeling of forgiveness might take some time to sink in, but I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I'll work hard to not hold this over your head.  I wish I could promise I won't punish you for it, but I fear that my own human side will get the best of me.  I might isolate you, I might put you in hurtful situations, I might not let you interact honestly with people you love, and I might keep you from the spirit because deep down, unfortunately, I feel you don't deserve it.  But I do forgive you, and I will do my best to treat you like you DO deserve.

While we're at it, I want to apologize to you.  Dust, I'm sorry for the high expectations I have for you.  Most unreasonable and at times extremely unrealistic.  I am sorry for needing you to be perfect all the time.  For giving you anxiety and interrupting your sleeping and eating patterns.  I'm sorry for making you think you're a failure at life simply because of your weakness in not being able to avoid anxiety and depressive symptoms even.  I'm sorry I listen to the adversary so often, and then blame you for it.

Here's some more truth.  You're a good girl.  It makes me sad how you spend so much time listing off all the things you do wrong.  Your perception of life is a constant narrative of how you could have done something better or how you screwed up, how it's your fault you feel lonely, and that you'll never get it right.  You poor thing.  My heart goes out to you!  That is miserable and I hope you can one day see yourself as you really are, and seek to lean on the Atonement instead.  Let go of reason, expectation, worry, and your need to punish.  Let go and let the Savior in instead.  I'm still learning this too.  We'll learn together.

Tell you what.  I will hold your hand.  I'll tell you you can do it.  I'll tell you, "chin up."  I'll wrap you up in a warm blanket of the spirit and atonement.  I'll work to not leave you stranded anymore.  I'll make sure you have friends to support you and love you and lift you.  I'll give you quality time with me.  Yes, just you and me.  We'll go on walks, we'll read books, we'll write and we'll sing and we'll play music that we love.  Maybe we'll go hold babies.  :)  And we'll even get a job that makes us happy.  Things will be better.

I love you.  I know you're trying.  You're doing good and I thank you for your hard work and the great things you are doing now.  We'll make it and we'll make it because we have our Brother, and Savior, and all His love which will make up, and has made up, all the difference.

You're awesome.  :)  I love you.

Love, Me