Letter to Dad: "Stop Touching Me"

Yesterday I sent an email in which I finally told my father that all physical touch from him is unwelcome and no longer allowed.

I know right!?  Alrighty, now that the ice is broken.... where to begin?

You may be familiar with the terms, "Covert Sexual Abuse," "Emotional Incest," "Covert Incest," "Surrogate Spousing"...  Without any actual sexual activity occurring, this is basically when a parent interacts with their child in an adult way, usually in a way that ought to be with their own spouse instead.  This takes place in many different forms, and can occur between a parent and child of the opposite or same gender, or even between older and younger siblings.  Often this happens due to a loss of or distance from one's spouse, leaving the parent with an emptiness which drives them to use their child in order to fill that emptiness.  Usually the parent is completely unaware of their inappropriate behavior, and though unintentional, their words and actions are still damaging their child in an abusive way.  A classic example is the mom who leans on her son, crying in his little arms, saying, "Mommy feels better now that she has you to take care of me.  You're so sweet and good to Mommy.  What would Mommy do without you?"  Moms, please don't go there with your chilluns.  This is a classic way to raise codependent children by the way.  ;)

My mom has been sick for a good ten years.  She became severely depressed when I was a teen, and at the same time, my dad happened to also retire from his career.  He lost both is career and his wife at the same time.  I'm his "baby," the youngest of the family, the only unmarried child, and even though he never showed much interest in me before, I soon became his new focus.  My siblings have since warned me of how he seems to need to micromanage and baby me, making sure I do everything perfect.  He has never molested me or done anything openly inappropriate, but I cannot recall one time in my life when I was happy to be in my dad's presence, or glad to give him a hug, or wanting him to even be near me.  For years I couldn't pin-point why I felt SO intensely this way.  The reasons I could list to my friends never made sense.

Me:  "He always insists on doing everything for me, he writes me all these love emails, he's always giving me money.  He won't stop texting me how much he loves me even though I don't ever ever ever say it back."    

Friends:  Eye roll.  "Poor you."  "It just sounds like he's trying to be nice."  "Maybe you should try being grateful."  "Give him a chance."

But I didn't care for him, and I felt guilty for it.  It's true, he's a very nice person.  Everyone comments on how nice, tender, sweet, and wonderful my dad is.  Over the past few years, however, his words and behaviors have evolved.  Though I never wanted him to touch me before, and never felt like hugging him, slowly I felt more and more smothered by his physical love.  It's sensual and it's a lot of it.

Eventually I couldn't be in the same room with him without turning off my "Dad Radar."  At family gatherings, I knew at every moment his location and position in a room, where his hands were, who he was talking to, which direction he was facing.  I moved about the room in such a way as to avoid him.  I wouldn't make eye contact, but if I did, I quickly talked to someone before he could talk to me.  Didn't want to encourage anything.  I had to be smooth, so nobody would know of course.  Sometimes I didn't get away fast enough, and I was trapped.  During his love, and when he finished, I always felt something deep in my stomach churn, wanting to explode, and I would secure again a heavy vice on top.  Press it back down.  Greet the numbness which followed.

In the midst of his affection, the worst part is his smile, his sweet talking voice almost like baby-talk, and how he acts so loving, telling me how much he loves and misses me.  I never respond, I always stiffen up, lean away, and I move out of his reach the first chance I get.  But he never picks up on the hints.  I have even literally grabbed his hands, angrily, and tried to pull them off my face as he lifted my face to his lips for a kiss.  His hands were stronger.

Therapists have told me to say something to him, but I wasn't brave enough.   He's a crier, I'm still financially dependent on him, I'm afraid of facing him in the first place, and again afterwards, and besides... what if my friends are right.  Maybe he's just a nice dad, and I'm being a selfish ungrateful child.  Would that make me a terrible daughter??

Well, this past Saturday I attended a family wedding and let's just say my dad was feeling extra loving towards me that day.  I wasn't successful at getting away, and because people constantly surrounded us, I was afraid to say anything or make a scene.  Three different instances I was loved on.  I despised him deeply with each and every millisecond that dragged past.  I went home in a mixture of complete rage and stone numbness.  That night I dreampt of bruising myself all over, which is something I use to do - not in dreams - back when I felt extreme anger and frustration and unable/unallowed to express it.

Driving home from the wedding, my mind revisited the many times I've been encouraged to tell him how I feel and to set a boundary.  Finally for the first time, I felt ZERO hesitation.  For the first time, I felt zero responsibility for his feelings if I were to hurt him, and cared more about me feeling safe and comfortable instead.  Which is a huge deal!!!  I have been so tired of hating him so much, and tired of feeling so ashamed of hating him.

I'm way too chicken to say these things in person.  As my first therapist said, "a text or email is much better than nothing at all."  I wrote the email Sunday night. I let two trusted friends and my sponsor read it and give me feedback, and then I sent it yesterday (Monday) around 6:50 pm.  I didn't apologize for my feelings, I kept it short and simple, and I was honest and direct.  I haven't been able to sleep much since Saturday, and am feeling a little anxious....  But guess WHAT?

Freedom at last.  :)

I know Heavenly Father understands my dad's weakness and frailty.  I know He gets why he does what he does, and understands the ignorance on my dad's part.  He knows my dad feels lonely, and painful emptiness.  But when did Heavenly Father say I had to be the cure?  When did He say I had to suffer so someone else could feel good?  No, this is not part of the plan here folks!!  I am a person, and I get to feel safe, and I get to take actions and set boundaries that make my life safe and comfortable.  I know the Lord understands where I am coming from, and why I did what I did.  I know God not only supports me in this, but He's been wanting this for me from the beginning.  And now I can move forward and work instead on forgiveness.

Guess what?  God and I can do hard things.   :)

P.S.  Parents, the healthy way is that once your kids get older, maybe 13 or so, it's time to let them initiate physical affection.  This helps them learn they are of value, and that they get to have control of their space and their body.  This will help them build healthy self image, healthy future relationships and intimacy, and could even help them avoid situations of assault or rape in the future.  Otherwise your affection can begin to feel "gross" to them, and they learn to suppress and ignore what they want, need, or feel, in order to focus on fulfilling someone else's wants and needs instead.  If you want a hug, you can ask your child for one.

Read more on emotional incest here: http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_21.htm