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Hey.

Hi.

How are ya?

I know, it's been a while.  Two months almost.

Sometimes I want to be done with recovery and just RECOVER, and move on.

I decided to try it out.  More like, I started feeling fabulous so I went with it.  And it has truly been incredible.  Felt like the Lord blessed me with two months of bliss, as if to foreshadow what I have to look forward to.  If that's true, I can't wait.

Alas, it didn't last.

I'm not saying life was peachy.  I'm saying I had a full scale of sorrow AND JOY.  I had new natural highs that filled my soul with delicious warm gooshies simply from looking at the sunrise, daily!  I could be with whomever I wanted, anxiety free.  I didn't feel any emotional pulls toward anyone except the Lord.  I regained my appetite, and handfuls of motivation which I put to good use.  I remained in the moment, unchanged, when someone brought up certain topics which previously threw me in the downward spiral.  I felt good enough for anyone, and threw myself into dating.  I was flourishing in my calling, serving, and making more friends in the ward than my roommates were.  My roommates have been stunned by my behavior and my calm confidence, as have I.  I have cried so many tears of great joy and gratitude for all of the above.  "Father, I'm so grateful.  I'm so grateful."  I finally got outside myself and found the beautiful world that surrounded me, and never wanted to leave.  I read scriptures and conference talks with purpose instead of "help me help me."  My therapist, at my complete surprise, said I was good to go, and we said goodbye.  I know right?

I never regained the ability to sleep through the night, however.  Even prescribed sleep aids weren't much help.  Eventually work became difficult to sit through with sudden random anxiety attacks.   I felt like the Lord was protecting my mood though, as I still had motivations and normal highs and lows.  Til a week or two ago I realized I wasn't feeling those highs anymore.  Just lows.  And now here I am.  Wanting to give up.  How did this happen???

I wish I had blogged on a good day.  There were so many awesome things I could have shared and documented.  Oh well.

By tomorrow I'll be ready to accept the fact that the Lord still has more for me to learn, and study this out more.  I have a few good ideas of how this could have possibly been avoided...  But today I'm going to simply ride the wave.  It's been a long week.  Gonna go relax.

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Okay but also next time we HAVE to talk about dating.  Of all times to start dating Mr. Wonderful.... uuuugh.  More later.