Hi, I am a daughter of God seeking to come unto Christ. A few struggles I happen to face are codependency, sexual addiction, anxiety, depression, attachment issues, plantar warts, following directions when traveling, and remembering the true source of my blessings (God). I'm single, in my 20's, an RM, ....and this is my recovery blog.
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Saturday, June 8, 2013
Dear Self, I Forgive You
Dear Dust,
I want you to know I understand you were scared, you felt trapped, you were afraid of his response and of the response of anyone else who found out. I know you feel you betrayed the family by pushing him away, and that you failed as a family member in the goal of family unity. Like you ruined something and it's your fault. You feel it's your fault there is a lack of unity and that maybe, had you been kinder or more patient or understanding, or had you let him do these things without feeling angry, things would be okay. Or had you made more of an effort to accept his loving actions and words and behaviors.... but the truth is, you couldn't.
Truth is, Dust, he has been inappropriate with you. Someone needed to stop it, and only you could do that. You did the right thing, and you would have been better to do this a long time ago. It's true you failed at protecting me. I'm sad you didn't protect me much sooner. I'm sad you failed at helping me when I was in distress. I'm sad you overlooked my feelings and needs and cared more about his instead! I needed you, and you weren't there for me.
As I said, I understand you were scared, but that doesn't make it okay. It's not okay you failed me. But Dust, I love you. I know you want to do what's right. I know you're doing your best. And I want you to know, that although you did fail, I forgive you Dust. Failure is a part of life, a part of learning, and it's good to fail sometimes. Sometimes we mess up, like you did. I'll be honest though--that feeling of forgiveness might take some time to sink in, but I forgive you. I forgive you. I'll work hard to not hold this over your head. I wish I could promise I won't punish you for it, but I fear that my own human side will get the best of me. I might isolate you, I might put you in hurtful situations, I might not let you interact honestly with people you love, and I might keep you from the spirit because deep down, unfortunately, I feel you don't deserve it. But I do forgive you, and I will do my best to treat you like you DO deserve.
While we're at it, I want to apologize to you. Dust, I'm sorry for the high expectations I have for you. Most unreasonable and at times extremely unrealistic. I am sorry for needing you to be perfect all the time. For giving you anxiety and interrupting your sleeping and eating patterns. I'm sorry for making you think you're a failure at life simply because of your weakness in not being able to avoid anxiety and depressive symptoms even. I'm sorry I listen to the adversary so often, and then blame you for it.
Here's some more truth. You're a good girl. It makes me sad how you spend so much time listing off all the things you do wrong. Your perception of life is a constant narrative of how you could have done something better or how you screwed up, how it's your fault you feel lonely, and that you'll never get it right. You poor thing. My heart goes out to you! That is miserable and I hope you can one day see yourself as you really are, and seek to lean on the Atonement instead. Let go of reason, expectation, worry, and your need to punish. Let go and let the Savior in instead. I'm still learning this too. We'll learn together.
Tell you what. I will hold your hand. I'll tell you you can do it. I'll tell you, "chin up." I'll wrap you up in a warm blanket of the spirit and atonement. I'll work to not leave you stranded anymore. I'll make sure you have friends to support you and love you and lift you. I'll give you quality time with me. Yes, just you and me. We'll go on walks, we'll read books, we'll write and we'll sing and we'll play music that we love. Maybe we'll go hold babies. :) And we'll even get a job that makes us happy. Things will be better.
I love you. I know you're trying. You're doing good and I thank you for your hard work and the great things you are doing now. We'll make it and we'll make it because we have our Brother, and Savior, and all His love which will make up, and has made up, all the difference.
You're awesome. :) I love you.
Love, Me
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Letter to Dad: "Stop Touching Me"
Yesterday I sent an email in which I finally told my father that all physical touch from him is unwelcome and no longer allowed.
I know right!? Alrighty, now that the ice is broken.... where to begin?
You may be familiar with the terms, "Covert Sexual Abuse," "Emotional Incest," "Covert Incest," "Surrogate Spousing"... Without any actual sexual activity occurring, this is basically when a parent interacts with their child in an adult way, usually in a way that ought to be with their own spouse instead. This takes place in many different forms, and can occur between a parent and child of the opposite or same gender, or even between older and younger siblings. Often this happens due to a loss of or distance from one's spouse, leaving the parent with an emptiness which drives them to use their child in order to fill that emptiness. Usually the parent is completely unaware of their inappropriate behavior, and though unintentional, their words and actions are still damaging their child in an abusive way. A classic example is the mom who leans on her son, crying in his little arms, saying, "Mommy feels better now that she has you to take care of me. You're so sweet and good to Mommy. What would Mommy do without you?" Moms, please don't go there with your chilluns. This is a classic way to raise codependent children by the way. ;)
My mom has been sick for a good ten years. She became severely depressed when I was a teen, and at the same time, my dad happened to also retire from his career. He lost both is career and his wife at the same time. I'm his "baby," the youngest of the family, the only unmarried child, and even though he never showed much interest in me before, I soon became his new focus. My siblings have since warned me of how he seems to need to micromanage and baby me, making sure I do everything perfect. He has never molested me or done anything openly inappropriate, but I cannot recall one time in my life when I was happy to be in my dad's presence, or glad to give him a hug, or wanting him to even be near me. For years I couldn't pin-point why I felt SO intensely this way. The reasons I could list to my friends never made sense.
But I didn't care for him, and I felt guilty for it. It's true, he's a very nice person. Everyone comments on how nice, tender, sweet, and wonderful my dad is. Over the past few years, however, his words and behaviors have evolved. Though I never wanted him to touch me before, and never felt like hugging him, slowly I felt more and more smothered by his physical love. It's sensual and it's a lot of it.
Eventually I couldn't be in the same room with him without turning off my "Dad Radar." At family gatherings, I knew at every moment his location and position in a room, where his hands were, who he was talking to, which direction he was facing. I moved about the room in such a way as to avoid him. I wouldn't make eye contact, but if I did, I quickly talked to someone before he could talk to me. Didn't want to encourage anything. I had to be smooth, so nobody would know of course. Sometimes I didn't get away fast enough, and I was trapped. During his love, and when he finished, I always felt something deep in my stomach churn, wanting to explode, and I would secure again a heavy vice on top. Press it back down. Greet the numbness which followed.
In the midst of his affection, the worst part is his smile, his sweet talking voice almost like baby-talk, and how he acts so loving, telling me how much he loves and misses me. I never respond, I always stiffen up, lean away, and I move out of his reach the first chance I get. But he never picks up on the hints. I have even literally grabbed his hands, angrily, and tried to pull them off my face as he lifted my face to his lips for a kiss. His hands were stronger.
Therapists have told me to say something to him, but I wasn't brave enough. He's a crier, I'm still financially dependent on him, I'm afraid of facing him in the first place, and again afterwards, and besides... what if my friends are right. Maybe he's just a nice dad, and I'm being a selfish ungrateful child. Would that make me a terrible daughter??
Well, this past Saturday I attended a family wedding and let's just say my dad was feeling extra loving towards me that day. I wasn't successful at getting away, and because people constantly surrounded us, I was afraid to say anything or make a scene. Three different instances I was loved on. I despised him deeply with each and every millisecond that dragged past. I went home in a mixture of complete rage and stone numbness. That night I dreampt of bruising myself all over, which is something I use to do - not in dreams - back when I felt extreme anger and frustration and unable/unallowed to express it.
Driving home from the wedding, my mind revisited the many times I've been encouraged to tell him how I feel and to set a boundary. Finally for the first time, I felt ZERO hesitation. For the first time, I felt zero responsibility for his feelings if I were to hurt him, and cared more about me feeling safe and comfortable instead. Which is a huge deal!!! I have been so tired of hating him so much, and tired of feeling so ashamed of hating him.
I'm way too chicken to say these things in person. As my first therapist said, "a text or email is much better than nothing at all." I wrote the email Sunday night. I let two trusted friends and my sponsor read it and give me feedback, and then I sent it yesterday (Monday) around 6:50 pm. I didn't apologize for my feelings, I kept it short and simple, and I was honest and direct. I haven't been able to sleep much since Saturday, and am feeling a little anxious.... But guess WHAT?
Freedom at last. :)
I know Heavenly Father understands my dad's weakness and frailty. I know He gets why he does what he does, and understands the ignorance on my dad's part. He knows my dad feels lonely, and painful emptiness. But when did Heavenly Father say I had to be the cure? When did He say I had to suffer so someone else could feel good? No, this is not part of the plan here folks!! I am a person, and I get to feel safe, and I get to take actions and set boundaries that make my life safe and comfortable. I know the Lord understands where I am coming from, and why I did what I did. I know God not only supports me in this, but He's been wanting this for me from the beginning. And now I can move forward and work instead on forgiveness.
Guess what? God and I can do hard things. :)
P.S. Parents, the healthy way is that once your kids get older, maybe 13 or so, it's time to let them initiate physical affection. This helps them learn they are of value, and that they get to have control of their space and their body. This will help them build healthy self image, healthy future relationships and intimacy, and could even help them avoid situations of assault or rape in the future. Otherwise your affection can begin to feel "gross" to them, and they learn to suppress and ignore what they want, need, or feel, in order to focus on fulfilling someone else's wants and needs instead. If you want a hug, you can ask your child for one.
Read more on emotional incest here: http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_21.htm
I know right!? Alrighty, now that the ice is broken.... where to begin?
You may be familiar with the terms, "Covert Sexual Abuse," "Emotional Incest," "Covert Incest," "Surrogate Spousing"... Without any actual sexual activity occurring, this is basically when a parent interacts with their child in an adult way, usually in a way that ought to be with their own spouse instead. This takes place in many different forms, and can occur between a parent and child of the opposite or same gender, or even between older and younger siblings. Often this happens due to a loss of or distance from one's spouse, leaving the parent with an emptiness which drives them to use their child in order to fill that emptiness. Usually the parent is completely unaware of their inappropriate behavior, and though unintentional, their words and actions are still damaging their child in an abusive way. A classic example is the mom who leans on her son, crying in his little arms, saying, "Mommy feels better now that she has you to take care of me. You're so sweet and good to Mommy. What would Mommy do without you?" Moms, please don't go there with your chilluns. This is a classic way to raise codependent children by the way. ;)
My mom has been sick for a good ten years. She became severely depressed when I was a teen, and at the same time, my dad happened to also retire from his career. He lost both is career and his wife at the same time. I'm his "baby," the youngest of the family, the only unmarried child, and even though he never showed much interest in me before, I soon became his new focus. My siblings have since warned me of how he seems to need to micromanage and baby me, making sure I do everything perfect. He has never molested me or done anything openly inappropriate, but I cannot recall one time in my life when I was happy to be in my dad's presence, or glad to give him a hug, or wanting him to even be near me. For years I couldn't pin-point why I felt SO intensely this way. The reasons I could list to my friends never made sense.
Me: "He always insists on doing everything for me, he writes me all these love emails, he's always giving me money. He won't stop texting me how much he loves me even though I don't ever ever ever say it back."
Friends: Eye roll. "Poor you." "It just sounds like he's trying to be nice." "Maybe you should try being grateful." "Give him a chance."
But I didn't care for him, and I felt guilty for it. It's true, he's a very nice person. Everyone comments on how nice, tender, sweet, and wonderful my dad is. Over the past few years, however, his words and behaviors have evolved. Though I never wanted him to touch me before, and never felt like hugging him, slowly I felt more and more smothered by his physical love. It's sensual and it's a lot of it.
Eventually I couldn't be in the same room with him without turning off my "Dad Radar." At family gatherings, I knew at every moment his location and position in a room, where his hands were, who he was talking to, which direction he was facing. I moved about the room in such a way as to avoid him. I wouldn't make eye contact, but if I did, I quickly talked to someone before he could talk to me. Didn't want to encourage anything. I had to be smooth, so nobody would know of course. Sometimes I didn't get away fast enough, and I was trapped. During his love, and when he finished, I always felt something deep in my stomach churn, wanting to explode, and I would secure again a heavy vice on top. Press it back down. Greet the numbness which followed.
In the midst of his affection, the worst part is his smile, his sweet talking voice almost like baby-talk, and how he acts so loving, telling me how much he loves and misses me. I never respond, I always stiffen up, lean away, and I move out of his reach the first chance I get. But he never picks up on the hints. I have even literally grabbed his hands, angrily, and tried to pull them off my face as he lifted my face to his lips for a kiss. His hands were stronger.
Therapists have told me to say something to him, but I wasn't brave enough. He's a crier, I'm still financially dependent on him, I'm afraid of facing him in the first place, and again afterwards, and besides... what if my friends are right. Maybe he's just a nice dad, and I'm being a selfish ungrateful child. Would that make me a terrible daughter??
Well, this past Saturday I attended a family wedding and let's just say my dad was feeling extra loving towards me that day. I wasn't successful at getting away, and because people constantly surrounded us, I was afraid to say anything or make a scene. Three different instances I was loved on. I despised him deeply with each and every millisecond that dragged past. I went home in a mixture of complete rage and stone numbness. That night I dreampt of bruising myself all over, which is something I use to do - not in dreams - back when I felt extreme anger and frustration and unable/unallowed to express it.
Driving home from the wedding, my mind revisited the many times I've been encouraged to tell him how I feel and to set a boundary. Finally for the first time, I felt ZERO hesitation. For the first time, I felt zero responsibility for his feelings if I were to hurt him, and cared more about me feeling safe and comfortable instead. Which is a huge deal!!! I have been so tired of hating him so much, and tired of feeling so ashamed of hating him.
I'm way too chicken to say these things in person. As my first therapist said, "a text or email is much better than nothing at all." I wrote the email Sunday night. I let two trusted friends and my sponsor read it and give me feedback, and then I sent it yesterday (Monday) around 6:50 pm. I didn't apologize for my feelings, I kept it short and simple, and I was honest and direct. I haven't been able to sleep much since Saturday, and am feeling a little anxious.... But guess WHAT?
Freedom at last. :)
I know Heavenly Father understands my dad's weakness and frailty. I know He gets why he does what he does, and understands the ignorance on my dad's part. He knows my dad feels lonely, and painful emptiness. But when did Heavenly Father say I had to be the cure? When did He say I had to suffer so someone else could feel good? No, this is not part of the plan here folks!! I am a person, and I get to feel safe, and I get to take actions and set boundaries that make my life safe and comfortable. I know the Lord understands where I am coming from, and why I did what I did. I know God not only supports me in this, but He's been wanting this for me from the beginning. And now I can move forward and work instead on forgiveness.
Guess what? God and I can do hard things. :)
P.S. Parents, the healthy way is that once your kids get older, maybe 13 or so, it's time to let them initiate physical affection. This helps them learn they are of value, and that they get to have control of their space and their body. This will help them build healthy self image, healthy future relationships and intimacy, and could even help them avoid situations of assault or rape in the future. Otherwise your affection can begin to feel "gross" to them, and they learn to suppress and ignore what they want, need, or feel, in order to focus on fulfilling someone else's wants and needs instead. If you want a hug, you can ask your child for one.
Read more on emotional incest here: http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_21.htm
Monday, June 3, 2013
A Pattern
14 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth a deceiving the nations—
15 Wherefore he that (1)prayeth, whose (2)spirit is a contrite, the same is b accepted of me if he (3)obey mine c ordinances.
16 He that (4)a speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose (5)language is meek and b edifieth, the same is of God if he obey mine ordinances.
17 And again, he that (6)trembleth under my power shall be madea strong, and shall bring forth fruits of praise and b wisdom, according to the revelations and truths which I have given you.
18 And again, he that is overcome and a bringeth not forth fruits, even according to this pattern, is not of me.
19 Wherefore, by this pattern ye shall a know the spirits in all cases under the whole heavens.
PATTERN OUTLINE:
1. Pray -
Communicate with Heavenly Father and turn to our Savior regularly and honestly. Remaining checked in with God is most powerful in keeping Satan checked out.
Communicate with Heavenly Father and turn to our Savior regularly and honestly. Remaining checked in with God is most powerful in keeping Satan checked out.
2. Contrite Spirit -
Having a recognition of our desperate need for what only the Lord can give, relying on Him and letting Him in even when sometimes we don't want to. Otherwise Satan has room to tell us to rely on ourselves, or to use other tools that will only hurt us.
Having a recognition of our desperate need for what only the Lord can give, relying on Him and letting Him in even when sometimes we don't want to. Otherwise Satan has room to tell us to rely on ourselves, or to use other tools that will only hurt us.
3. Obey Ordinances -
Pick out the commandments you don't strive to keep and begin striving. (me: regular scripture study.... service.... regular temple attendance.... putting the Lord first before fb/email/blogging/friends/movies/books....) Obedience brings a large measure of the spirit to us, which is like a huge auto-shield of protection from Satan.
Pick out the commandments you don't strive to keep and begin striving. (me: regular scripture study.... service.... regular temple attendance.... putting the Lord first before fb/email/blogging/friends/movies/books....) Obedience brings a large measure of the spirit to us, which is like a huge auto-shield of protection from Satan.
4. Speaketh -
To me this is honesty. Saying how we feel, sharing our own truth, let our thoughts feelings and our reality come out of the cold dark isolation where Satan can otherwise deceive. By keeping a contrite spirit as we share, the spirit can guide our words and we can recognize verbally with our friends our need for a Savior in our lives.
To me this is honesty. Saying how we feel, sharing our own truth, let our thoughts feelings and our reality come out of the cold dark isolation where Satan can otherwise deceive. By keeping a contrite spirit as we share, the spirit can guide our words and we can recognize verbally with our friends our need for a Savior in our lives.
5. Language is Meek and Edifieth -
To me, this refers to more than swearing and dirty jokes. To me this is more like missionary work, or even a step 12 ish type of thing. How many of us have shared and edified another when we only began step 1? Probably all of us. :) Let us also recognize that no matter how awful we feel, we must not speak to others in a hurtful or degrading way. This is contrary to the pattern. Let us seek to edify and recognize our need for the Lord in all things.
To me, this refers to more than swearing and dirty jokes. To me this is more like missionary work, or even a step 12 ish type of thing. How many of us have shared and edified another when we only began step 1? Probably all of us. :) Let us also recognize that no matter how awful we feel, we must not speak to others in a hurtful or degrading way. This is contrary to the pattern. Let us seek to edify and recognize our need for the Lord in all things.
6. Tremble under God's Power -
How much better to tremble under God's power than to tremble under Satan's or man's power? If we "fear" the Lord first, we will be made strong before Satan and man. Let us be so aware and grateful for the great Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power God can extend that we recognize that in comparison to God, we are simply of the dust.
How much better to tremble under God's power than to tremble under Satan's or man's power? If we "fear" the Lord first, we will be made strong before Satan and man. Let us be so aware and grateful for the great Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power God can extend that we recognize that in comparison to God, we are simply of the dust.
Promised blessings if follow pattern:
- Acceptance of God
- Become like Him
- Be made strong
- Bring forth fruits of praise and wisdom
- Know the spirits in all cases under the whole Heavens