Mental Break Down II

Gonna cut to the chase:

Right after the holidays, I have re-acquired all the worst symptoms I've ever experienced of anxiety (2 years ago), and it's not going away.  It's been a few weeks now and my body still hasn't calmed down.  It's a bit different this time though - now I have this brain-shaking / body-shaking thing (internal... you can't see it but I always feel it) that doesn't stop.  I'm dropping lbs faster this time too - I haven't weighed this little since before high school.  Always nauseous.  I'm pretty sick, and I finally gave in to the medicine thing (I have issues with anti-depressants cuz they permanently messed up my Mom when I was a teen).  But!!  I didn't know before I started taking them that they made all symptoms worse for 2-3 weeks before they get better (so excited about the getting better part).  I tell ya what, wow.  This is QUITE the ride.  Not quite like Space Mountain.

I thought I knew so much about anxiety by now, after all the therapy and reading, but I just re-researched a few things and have realized stuff I'm doing that is making it worse, some stuff I'm doing better this time, and some stuff I didn't know before ... or just forgot about.  So I'm making notes and goals for myself!  

1 - DON'T MOPE - Anxiety makes you think you need alone time to veg and try to feel better, but it actually makes it worse.

I am so far succeeding here mostly.  I've stayed with people as much as possible and noticed a significant difference in how I feel (way less pukey) when I surround myself with people that bring me joy.  I almost skipped church Sunday - so afraid of fainting or hyperventilating or barfing in front of everyone - but I went, and during the first hour I suddenly had a slight appetite!  I was able to sit through all three hours and came home feeling less awful.  Also, I have not spent a single evening in my room avoiding people.  Last time I was always, always in there.  I have kept myself with people as much as possible.  (so proud - go me)

2 - EXERCISE 

...Yeah, gonna work on that one...  wait is that spelled right?  Exersize?  Excercize.... meh

3 - BREATHING

Okay.  I never bought into this.  This never helped me and I tried lots of times.  But tonight I read something and realized I was doing it wrong.  (sheesh)  This time, I learned that while I slow my breathing down, the point is to do my best to resist taking a deep breath or cough while doing it.  I always took lots of deep breaths lol.  

4 - SENSORY STIMULATION

Keep your senses distracted with positive things - take your mind off your anxiety.  Funny TV Shows (avoid drama or horror... which is funny cuz last break down, I mostly watched drama), upbeat music, playing piano, etc.  Get your mind off all the thinking thinking thinking, especially thinking about focusing on anxiety cuz that makes it wooooorrrse - anxiety means your mind is your worst enemy.  Stimulate the senses!  Makes future anxiety less, and easier to cope with because the mind is in a better place.

****Oh, and I read that one of the worst things you can do for anxiety is google your symptoms and trying to figure out what is wrong with you (thyroid?  Vitamin deficiency?  Stomach cancer?  Allergic reactions?  Heart problems???).  Put it aside, realize anxiety makes you extra aware of your body and afraid of dying, see a Dr if it'll make you feel better, but doing this is what gave me most of my panic attacks this past week.

5 - ACCEPT ANXIETY 

I hate this one the most.  How do you make yourself accept something?  Yep, this'll take me some time and practice.  Basically fighting anxiety makes it worse.  Trying not to have anxiety creates shame and stress and pressure on ourselves to rid ourselves of the same stress and pressure.  Doesn't really work, and actually creates more anxiety.  Awesome huh?  

6 - JOURNALING

Gives the brain an excuse to not have to keep thinking about whatever it's thinking about, if it gets put down on paper.  I keep a sticky note pad next to my desk at work.  Once I write it down, my mind can move on to the next thing, then the next, and the next, til it's all out.  Then I can just focus on what I'm doing a little easier.  Also... this is why I'm blogging tonight.  For me, and the sake of journaling.

SO.

Number 5 has been my main culprit.  And a lack of number 4 (I spend way too much time focusing on anxiety and it just makes it worse).  But seriously, acceptance??  But I don't want to be back in this place again!  I don't want to be on medicine.  I don't want this to be happening, I was doing so well.  After all the time and hard work!  Uuuugh.  

I.  Accept.  Anxiety.

I have anxiety.  It's back.

I'm sick.

I need help.

I need medicine and therapy.

I need healing and the Atonement (always).

It may stay a while.

(dang it... something I wrote (or thought?) is making anxiety worse again... wait, don't think about it... wait but don't fight it either.... wait what??  I don't know how to do this lol)

I am going to bed!

P.S.  The priesthood rocks.  Mark my words, I WILL have the life I desire for myself.  (but no pressure)