Protecting Other's Feelings?...NOT THIS TIME :)

You know that moment when you do or say something, and in your head you're like, "I just said that!  That just happened!  YAY!!  I didn't even think about it first.  I didn't even analyze it!  I didn't stop to worry about what they would think!  I didn't stop to consider if it would ruin a friendship hurt or disappoint or give a wrong impression or ruin a reputation or not meet an expectation or anything!  It just happened!!!  WHOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Every day for the past little while has been like that at least once or twice.  Today did need self reminding, however.  Today wasn't so much about what I said or did, but what I didn't say and didn't do that positively impacted my worth.

Here's the story:

This morning I was invited to babysit a most adorable baby boy later tonight, and asked my other friend if she wanted to come, to which she said yes.  My other friend was already planning to hang out at their house earlier that day, so we planned to go with him to avoid wasting gas (it's a 45-ish minute drive).  He was in the room with us as we made these plans to babysit and ride with him, and he didn't say anything.  According to the knowledge I previously had, there wasn't a problem.  A couple hours later, we three climbed into the car.  Once we started driving, he suddenly expressed hurt feelings and anger due to the fact that nobody asked him if it was okay, and that he actually had no desire to stay late and babysit.  He wanted to hang out and then go home afterwards but now he was going to be stuck there, and it was our fault because we didn't ask him.  Right away I prepared my, "You're right, I'm sorry," speech.  

Oh my gosh I didn't even ask him!  I should have asked him and made sure everything was okay with everyone before I just made plans...

However, my other friend calmly defended herself.  As I listened, I began to slowly realize that I didn't do anything wrong.  If he didn't like those plans he could have said so in the moment.  He could have spoken up right as we made plans, or anytime during the 2 hours before we left.  I didn't need to ask him every question possible to make sure he was taken care of, happy, and content.  His feelings aren't my responsibility.  I don't have to protect him, he can take care of himself.  He's an adult.  Who am I to say he's incapable?  How insulting of me, to think I need to do what he can do for himself?

Well when we got back to the house, the situation grew worse because he decided not to go at all, and stayed home.  We had to go without him.  Meaning, the baby boy's father (and my good friend) lost his planned video game pal for the day.  My mind flung back:

Oh no!  Now my other friend (baby's dad) is upset and his whole day is ruined too, and it's my fault!

I had to remind myself again, it's not my fault.  The choices of someone else produced an unfortunate result, and it's not my fault nor is it my responsibility to fix.  But oh I WANTED to.  A year ago I would have been texting and talking to everyone and being "little Miss Middle-Man... er... Woman" and seriously unable to rest or relax until everyone was happy and a solution had been found and there was no more contention or disappointment or anger or anything.  But I decided not to go there.  I decided to let it be. To let people take care of themselves.  Even if it means watching people I care about get hurt and bailed on.  It's not my responsibility.  So I focused on the present and enjoyed myself.

My friend and I played cards and had a great time despite the situation.  I made some great memories today, we googled how to play card games we use to play in high school and had so much fun together.  Why waste time and energy feeling bad about anything that isn't my responsibility?  A year ago this would have meant that I was extremely insensitive and selfish.  Life is too short to be upset and worried all the time.  Times are changing.  :)  Guess what else?  Not once did I apologize to anyone today.  [insert happy dance/halellujah chorus]

I couldn't have done it without my friend's example as she defended herself and set the example of how to react with sensitivity while maintain healthy boundaries and enjoying herself in the present.  Tender mercyyyy.

So how DOES that affect my self worth?  Well.... it means conflict, hurt, and disappointment are not a threat to my worth or identity.  It means others hurt feelings aren't a reason for me to feel shame.  It does not mean I did something wrong or that I'm bad.  It does mean I get to love people for who they are unconditionally, as imperfect creatures like myself, instead of what I control control control them to be.  It means I get to show God I trust Him and recognize His personal relationship with others, instead of trying to control situations and make everything okay all the time.  It means I get to let people learn the same lessons I am learning, like how to be assertive.  How could I rob that blessed lesson from someone?  It means I get to practice forgiveness and allow others the opportunity to practice forgiveness.  My self worth gets to increase when I allow the worth of others to increase.

And finally, it means I get to take a huge chill pill instead of constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells.  Happy sigh.  :)