So I learned something about myself this week. Since becoming self-aware (since discovering my codependency), I now struggle with deep shame when I give to others. Anyone else experience this???
Recently, during a lovely two-week visit out-of-state with a lovely family, I wanted to show my love and appreciation and give them each a present and write them a card. For their immense generosity toward me, and mostly just because I really love these people SO much. They have become my "other family," and I have learned some of life's most important lessons and recovery together with them. It's natural to want to do something for people you love, right? Bestow a gift? After all, gifting is one of the 5 love languages. It's not a weird thing,... right??
I considered what to get them days in advance. For gift ideas, I wrote a list of each family member, from the 9 year old to the Grands, of things they love, inside jokes, etc.
But here's the thing...
Every time I stopped to think about it this whole gift-giving thing, I felt a sudden weight of both shame and fear. Feelings come for reasons right? We're suppose to pay attention to them instead of dismiss or burry them. But these feelings made no sense, and simply having them me feel more shame. So, for several days I avoided it all together. The closer the last day came, the more I wanted to get gifts, and the more afraid and ashamed I felt. I know, what the heck, right?? What the heck.
The day before departure, I decide to buck up and make a run for the store! I nonchalantly announced I wanted to go to the store that evening, I didn't invite anyone, I didn't say which one, where, or when, and I didn't say why. Later, before anyone could ask questions, I made a run for the door and quickly said, "I'm off to the store, see you later!" And left. Completely aware of how odd I seemed.
After about 2 hours of Target and Barnes and Noble, and repeating exhausting "what if's," (
what if they think it's too expensive, too cheap, not cute, not fun, not good enough, totally dumb,..... ) I finally came home with presents and cards! I was excited, but most of my excitement was killed by the mysterious shame.
I understood the stress. That made sense! The "what if's." Leaving me in a place of feeling less than and not good enough for the people I love. Also explained part of the fear. But where was the shame coming from??
Why did I want to hide my desire to give, serve, and show my love? Why did I feel more shame with every purchase?? Why did I feel totally embarrassed and hang my head for re-entering in the house with gifts in my hands? Why did I try rushing them to my room before I could be seen, feeling like I was so bad, like I'd done something so wrong? I couldn't understand.
Once I had all 9 cards written and gifts wrapped, I emerged from my bedroom, plopped them on the table, took a deep breath of courage enough to explain which ones were for who, changed the subject, returned to my room, and shut the door. I never brought it up again before I left.
A few days later as I analyzed this weirdo-ness, I finally recalled the difficulty I've been having with service ever since becoming self-aware.
Truth is, the old me was extremely servicy, gift-givingy, and obsessively compulsively needing to do things for other people all the time. There was literally a time when, all in the same day, it would not be strange to receive a written note on your car, your favorite milk shake on your door step, a back rub, 2 hours of listening time, an email at the end of the night, plus anything you needed from me in between which was usually a ride somewhere, another 2 hour of listening time, and some compliments. And the next day, if I got creative enough, would be just as "good!"
Finally as I started therapy over a year ago, I learned that this behavior wasn't something I could just stop. I needed to do it. I was desperate to do it. And didn't do it out of love, (hard one to accept but it was true) but out of
fear. It was my way to manipulate, to control, to keep friends. It was not simple unconditional love and service. Not the service our Savior taught. It was selfish and there were strings attached. I drove several friends away because of it, yet with each new friend the pattern repeated. Yes, my friends have had to finally tell me that I was over bearing. I've had friends intensionally hurt me because they were that desperate for space. Finally I discovered that my intense need to give is what hurt my relationships. I was the problem.
Since then, giving and service are difficult to participate in without deep fear and shame. When I give to people and serve them, I feel that I am bad. There are times I have given anonymously because I was SO SURE that someone would be upset if they knew it was me, or the gift would lose its value because I was the giver. I have completed service such as making someone's bed, and then rushed to mess it up again before it was seen.
Now I realize there were other "what-ifs" rolling in that day:
What if they only think I'm giving to them because of alternative motives like before? What if they don't believe my gift is coming from the heart? What if they start to feel smothered? What if they figure out how desperate I still feel to keep them, and try to hurt me? What if they only see my gift as a tool to get what I want?
What if it DOES mean those things? What if this really isn't love! What if I really just want to please people, and satisfy my own feelings? What if I'm only doing it because of perceived expectations? What if this service means I'm going to lose touch with myself again?? What if they think this means they have to give me something back, and they end up resent me for giving these gifts?
Holy smokes!!! Remember the days when a gift was something simple and simply meant, "I love you," and that's all? How in the world did this get so messed up in my head??!
So now what can I do different? This:
Double check intentions. Give without expectation. When the only intention is love, then move forward. Despite fear and shame, move forward! Re-train my thinking with practice! Give. Serve. Love. Comfort. Listen. Support. Sacrifice. Constantly recognizing that nothing I do can or will fix someone, but rather it is simply an honest expression of something wonderful and powerful, such as the charity and love of Christ, and is a glorious part of His plan of happiness for us. Remembering that only the evil one presses fear in the act of giving service and love.
