Father, Why Are You Still Here?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow.  I forgot you again.  I got bored so I went to facebook.  I felt lonely so I texted my friend.  I felt ill so I layed down and had a pity party.  I felt hurt so I cried to myself.  I felt that familiar pull to my unhealthy attachments so I stayed in my room and felt even more sorry for myself, and deeply ashamed.  I grew jealous of others and shame thickened.  I got back on facebook, and when I got off I made mental lists of reasons to be more ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I decided you'd probably want me to build healthier relationships so I thought about my lack of efforts to make new friends and that I need to pursue that harder, and talked to them on fb, texted them, tried talking to them at church... but I still felt empty inside.  I've been working step 4 every day this week, but that only brings back sad memories, so I get on fb when I'm done.  I talk to my sponsor and she says stuff like, "Tell Heavenly Father this" and "listen to the spirit about that" and I'm like, "....Oh yeah."  Every.  Single.  Time.  Why can't I remember how much better I feel when I go to YOU FIRST.  Why can't I remember that peace actually does come when I first express my thoughts and feelings to you?  Why can't I feel a pull towards my scriptures and your words and my Savior before anything or anyone else?  Why ...am I so human?

And Father, WHY do you still love me?  Why, after being so selfish and after neglecting you, do you still never give up on me?  How, after such casual scripture study and prayer with you, how can you extend such great and immense love and peace the very moment I remember to put forth actual effort?  Why do you forgive me so quickly when I take so long to forgive myself and others??  Why are you so good to me when I don't deserve it?  How can you still be here waiting for me, knocking knocking knocking, when I desire selfish things before I desire you?

Why did you let Him suffer so much, when I take Him for granted every hour of every day??

I am crying - tears of gratitude.  Father, I thank Thee.  I truly stand all amazed.

***

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Be Brave: Say What You Want To Say

Just discovered this song!!!

This has been one of the best parts of recovery for ME.  Learning to say what I want to say!  It feels SO nice to be honest.  It feels magnificent to drop the shame I carried for having negative emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc.  I can be who I am, and say what I want to say.  How seriously beautiful is that??

Dude Satan had me stuck for 26 years.  I thought I had to wear a dumb smile all the time and agree with everyone and make them all happy all the time.  What the heck.

Christ asks us to have honesty.  Integrity.  Virtue.  None of those words come with being fake.  He asks us to receive this great joy.  We can't know joy if we don't allow the sorrow and anger and darkness.  Finally I learned about pride, which kills and destroys honesty.  Pretending for the sake of pleasing others.  God would rather have us be real.

BRAVE

By Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

And they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down

By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence

Won’t do you any good

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

Codependency again!?!?

GUUUUUH

What the HECK what the heck what the heck.  One day I'm my own separate person who simply has friends.  All is going well.  And the next, suddenly I'm once again the major huge jealous dependent codependent clingy controlling needy freak of a "friend" who doesn't have friends, but has appendages!  One day I'm like, "Yay I can finally do healthy relationships!"  And the next I'm crying myself to sleep because my roommate didn't text me enough, didn't tell me her problems, and didn't even say good night to me before shutting her bedroom door to go to bed.  This is me being REALLY vulnerable because that... is really embarrassing information to put out.  But there it is. This is my current main addiction and status.  I struggle with codependency.  Is what it is.

My anxiety is awful lately.  I haven't slept more than 2 hours in 2 weeks now.... except last night I got a solid golden 5!  I think it's because I wore myself out from crying.  Hm, tender mercy in disguise?  And suddenly my body feels all gross and jittery again, food doesn't appeal to me most the time, and I'm always afraid afraid afraid.  But not too afraid.  I refuse to let it put me in my room to be lonely pathetic cranky cavewoman again.  Not this time.

This time is different.

I'm calling friends now.  Old ones.  The best friends I made years ago and stopped talking to when I began isolating the first time.  Feels great.

I'm continuing in vulnerability and being myself and assertive in as many situations as possible, including new situations like with family members.

I'm forcing myself into social situations despite my fear.

I'm reaching out to my visiting teachers.  (Who brought me a Snickers ice cream bar tonight!)

I'm working hard to remain productive.  (Gotta do homework!)

I'm trying (and frequently failing) to trust people.

I'm trying really really really hard, despite my obsessive compulsive repetitive thoughts to think of the Savior, only needing the Savior, only seeing the Savior, and believing my need for Him can fulfill and replace my unhealthy needs.  I know there are "steps" that will help me actually achieve that for real, and I know that it is a process, and I understand there is much work to be done to get there.  But in those awful pain stricken moments all I can do is beg Heavenly Father to cover me up safe, wrap me up tight, and tell me it is going to be okay.  I often curl up in a ball at nights now, rock back and forth, and pretend He is rocking me.  Sometimes I close my eyes, stroke my own hair and I imagine they are His hands on my head.  And sometimes I whisper words of comfort to myself, pretending they are coming from His lips.  How badly I just want to be held by the One who understands it all.

Before today, I refused to see this as a codependent relapse.  I just wanted it to be a small temporary anxiety relapse that would pass when these new stresses and circumstances of life passed.  I wanted to justify my behavior as reacting to loss (why do besties gotta move away??) and the past memories of loss that current losses trigger.  But..... truth is that this life's stress never goes away.  The point is to learn to cope with stress in life appropriately, without reverting back to our addictions.  Right?  The point is to be free from our destructive behaviors, and have peace even in the midst of adversity.  To retain the ability to act, and not be acted upon, even when life is crazy.  Right?  Sigh.... no, this isn't just about being temporarily stressed.  Today I came back to step one and had to recognize this as a problem.  Okay.  My life is unmanageable and I can't get out by myself.  I have strong unhealthy needs that are making me miserable and I need help.

It's just that, ....I hate hate hate seeing people I love suffer, and I hate that I can't make their lives better, and I hate when I try and they won't let me, and I hate when they stop talking to me and inconsiderately leave me to worry worry worry sick about them, (and make me feel unimportant by talking to someone else)....... I mean how dare they?  Haha yep I know.  It's all about me.  I make it all about me.  I need them to be okay so I can be okay.  If they're not okay, I can't be okay.  It's like I feel guilty for being okay if they're suffering, so I find ways to make myself suffer too.  (which makes zero sense)  And I need them to need and rely on me, so I can feel of worth.  Somewhere I lost sight of me, my recovery, my feelings, my life.  My relationship with God.  I'm too busy focused on someone else's.  Just a few minutes ago I was reading a blog post and thinking "how could this help so-and-so?"  Then I was like, "Seriously, dust, did you just do that?"  I started over and made a conscious effort to read it for me.  I still ended up starting over one more time because I lost focus again!

I have a lovely print out from my therapist about "letting go."  I read it over and over.  I'll probably post it for you later, it's really helpful.

P.S.  By the way, Step 4 doesn't make me feel better.  Right now "working the steps" doesn't make me feel better.  I'm sorry but when I'm miserable and lonely and already remembering all the horrible things of my life, the last thing I want to do is spend time writing about it.  I know it'll help when it's over, I can totally tell, but in the process it sucks.  Step 4 sucks.  My life wasn't even all that bad.  Really.  But for me, right now, it sucks and I don't like when people ask me if I'm working the steps, expecting that they're suppose to make life better.  So I review steps 1 2 3 instead.  Does that make sense??  Do others feel that way?

Okay.  Gonna go to bed and try to sleep.  Here's a song:

"This is what it is... to be held...."

Dear Satan

Dear Satan, 

BACK OFF. I've got a life to live and I will live it well. I will make friends, share my opinions, be myself, seek to fulfill important life goals and dreams, and I will fulfill them. Oh will I fulfill them. Want to know why? Because I have Jesus Christ carrying me. I am in His arms. He is holding me on high ground far far away from you. The only thing you can mess with is my head, that's it. And today, I'm telling you, BACK OFF. Today, I'm asking my Savior to take me as I am right now, imperfect and messy, and hold me tighter, love me more tenderly, reassure me with greater compassion, and act as a light and shield between me and you. I'm done considering your lies. I'm done worrying about things that aren't real. I'm done listening to your elaborate stories about me, and about the people I love. You're done. So...

Get. Thee. Hence.

Sincerely, 

Girl of the Dust/Daughter of a King

1st Date in Over a Year

So.  My old roommate has been waiting to set me up with her friend, who I've met twice through her, for a loooong time.  I finally gave her the okay.  So, this past Friday, I went out on my first date in quite a long, long while.

I spent the entire two days before the date whining and complaining to my friends about how much I don't want to go.  I'm not ready.  I'm still scared.  I'm not good enough.  He's too cute.  It's just gonna be another night of avoiding real conversation, wearing plastic smiles, and lies.  I'm not going to be any fun!  He's either going to get really bored or turned off if I be myself, or he'll think I'm a blast because I'll be super fake-perfect like I always am on dates.  (ooooh, so that's why dating's never been fun for me)

First activity: cooking dinner together.  By the way, I hate cooking and I'm terrible at it.  Stresses me out!  I think the fear of ruining it overrides the joy for me.  But guys like girls who cook so, I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and acted like I knew my way around a kitchen.  Until.... he asked me to spice the sizzling fajita mix on the stove.  I asked what he usually puts in it.  He listed a nice list of words I've heard my roommates throw around, but were pretty much foreign languages to me.  You know.  Oregano... that's the only one I remember....  So finally I caved and announced, "Uh.... I gotta be honest, I have no idea what those mean."  Which opened up a conversation which ended with him saying, "So... you're basically a stranger to the kitchen huh?"  Me:  Great, it's over, he's going to take me home next, he's making up his mind that this will just be a "for fun" and that's all.  Some other girl will make him much happier.  Him:  laughter.  Next he stood next to me by the pan, touched my arm and showed me how he spices it.  He said I could put some lime on it.  I had to cut it first, so I held the lime and put the knife to it... and said, "Uh, I don't know which direction to cut one of these is best."  He laughed again, came close, and showed me.  He pulled out a lime juicer, one of those cool contraptions you make fresh orange juice with, and said I could use it.  Again... I broke my rule and said what I was really thinking, "Um, I've never used one of those before."  He laughed again!!!  Said something like, "Oh wow! You weren't kidding!"  He stood close with a huge grin and watched me with what seemed to be pure delight and entertainment, as I juiced my first lime.  From that point on, I was more myself than I'd ever been on a date, ever before.  He loves to cook.  I don't.  That's fine.  Awesome!!  I also felt something good inside I'd never felt on a date.  I think it's called connection.  I'd never connected on my end before, because I've always been "fake girl."  Intimacy can't grow without honesty.  Dang those therapists always have to be right.

That led to a night in which I felt the most accepted and myself than I'd ever been on an entire date.  But then toward the end of the night, I learned something hard about myself.

He showed me pots he was making in ceramics.  He told me about voice lessons he's taking.  He told me how he goes rock climbing 4-5 times a week.  He told me all the things he loves to learn about, how he loves traveling and seeing the world, meeting new people and learning languages, how life is about living in the present and making the most of what we've got.  He asked what I like to do in my spare time.  What are my passions?  What do I do for my regular stress relief?  I had nothing to say.  I only do what I HAVE to do, and when life finally deals me with some spare time, I waste it.  But I didn't tell him about my hours and hours on facebook.  I said I just don't really think about what my own passions are a whole lot.  He leaned forward with a look of both shock that anyone could live without such things, and also a look of concern, and asked, "So then... what DO you think about?"  After a long pause, wanting to be honest but not say too much, I finally found my answer.  "I worry."  I ended up telling him more personal things from there, though not too much, and instead of dismissing me with disappointment, he just wanted to keep talking and find out who I am.  I felt comfortable and safe, and was careful not to "over share" by setting a boundary with "Maybe another time I might get more into that but not now."  He respected that.  I wasn't ready to tell him I see a psychologist and struggle with anxiety etc.... etc....

So.  Now I have a new goal.  I have to want to make my life MY life and do things that are for me.  I need to want to live instead of survive.  I need to want to discover my passions and go for them.  I need want to be like this guy if I want to actually live a full life.  He's so comfortable with who he is and his life, even though he still has no idea where it's going to take him yet, it's beautiful.

Okay.  Back to the steps then.  I've taken a long enough break.  Time to stop avoiding and distracting and time to stop letting my addictions and fears and worries control me.  Time to live!  Suddenly I'm SO unmotivated and emotionally blah.  When did that happen?  Desires to pray and read and study and do homework... not there.  That's another story though.

I don't know that I'm ready to "date," but I'm definitely grateful for what I learned on this date.  I was seriously astounded that someone could live life so fully as he does.  I hope I can figure out how to be like that.  And I'm grateful to learn that I can be myself.  Someday someone will love me for me, but I have to be myself for that to happen.