1st Date in Over a Year

So.  My old roommate has been waiting to set me up with her friend, who I've met twice through her, for a loooong time.  I finally gave her the okay.  So, this past Friday, I went out on my first date in quite a long, long while.

I spent the entire two days before the date whining and complaining to my friends about how much I don't want to go.  I'm not ready.  I'm still scared.  I'm not good enough.  He's too cute.  It's just gonna be another night of avoiding real conversation, wearing plastic smiles, and lies.  I'm not going to be any fun!  He's either going to get really bored or turned off if I be myself, or he'll think I'm a blast because I'll be super fake-perfect like I always am on dates.  (ooooh, so that's why dating's never been fun for me)

First activity: cooking dinner together.  By the way, I hate cooking and I'm terrible at it.  Stresses me out!  I think the fear of ruining it overrides the joy for me.  But guys like girls who cook so, I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and acted like I knew my way around a kitchen.  Until.... he asked me to spice the sizzling fajita mix on the stove.  I asked what he usually puts in it.  He listed a nice list of words I've heard my roommates throw around, but were pretty much foreign languages to me.  You know.  Oregano... that's the only one I remember....  So finally I caved and announced, "Uh.... I gotta be honest, I have no idea what those mean."  Which opened up a conversation which ended with him saying, "So... you're basically a stranger to the kitchen huh?"  Me:  Great, it's over, he's going to take me home next, he's making up his mind that this will just be a "for fun" and that's all.  Some other girl will make him much happier.  Him:  laughter.  Next he stood next to me by the pan, touched my arm and showed me how he spices it.  He said I could put some lime on it.  I had to cut it first, so I held the lime and put the knife to it... and said, "Uh, I don't know which direction to cut one of these is best."  He laughed again, came close, and showed me.  He pulled out a lime juicer, one of those cool contraptions you make fresh orange juice with, and said I could use it.  Again... I broke my rule and said what I was really thinking, "Um, I've never used one of those before."  He laughed again!!!  Said something like, "Oh wow! You weren't kidding!"  He stood close with a huge grin and watched me with what seemed to be pure delight and entertainment, as I juiced my first lime.  From that point on, I was more myself than I'd ever been on a date, ever before.  He loves to cook.  I don't.  That's fine.  Awesome!!  I also felt something good inside I'd never felt on a date.  I think it's called connection.  I'd never connected on my end before, because I've always been "fake girl."  Intimacy can't grow without honesty.  Dang those therapists always have to be right.

That led to a night in which I felt the most accepted and myself than I'd ever been on an entire date.  But then toward the end of the night, I learned something hard about myself.

He showed me pots he was making in ceramics.  He told me about voice lessons he's taking.  He told me how he goes rock climbing 4-5 times a week.  He told me all the things he loves to learn about, how he loves traveling and seeing the world, meeting new people and learning languages, how life is about living in the present and making the most of what we've got.  He asked what I like to do in my spare time.  What are my passions?  What do I do for my regular stress relief?  I had nothing to say.  I only do what I HAVE to do, and when life finally deals me with some spare time, I waste it.  But I didn't tell him about my hours and hours on facebook.  I said I just don't really think about what my own passions are a whole lot.  He leaned forward with a look of both shock that anyone could live without such things, and also a look of concern, and asked, "So then... what DO you think about?"  After a long pause, wanting to be honest but not say too much, I finally found my answer.  "I worry."  I ended up telling him more personal things from there, though not too much, and instead of dismissing me with disappointment, he just wanted to keep talking and find out who I am.  I felt comfortable and safe, and was careful not to "over share" by setting a boundary with "Maybe another time I might get more into that but not now."  He respected that.  I wasn't ready to tell him I see a psychologist and struggle with anxiety etc.... etc....

So.  Now I have a new goal.  I have to want to make my life MY life and do things that are for me.  I need to want to live instead of survive.  I need to want to discover my passions and go for them.  I need want to be like this guy if I want to actually live a full life.  He's so comfortable with who he is and his life, even though he still has no idea where it's going to take him yet, it's beautiful.

Okay.  Back to the steps then.  I've taken a long enough break.  Time to stop avoiding and distracting and time to stop letting my addictions and fears and worries control me.  Time to live!  Suddenly I'm SO unmotivated and emotionally blah.  When did that happen?  Desires to pray and read and study and do homework... not there.  That's another story though.

I don't know that I'm ready to "date," but I'm definitely grateful for what I learned on this date.  I was seriously astounded that someone could live life so fully as he does.  I hope I can figure out how to be like that.  And I'm grateful to learn that I can be myself.  Someday someone will love me for me, but I have to be myself for that to happen.