Oh. My. Gosh. I'm so sick of feeling so crazy.
First... I want to express a qualm.
Which I have. Which I am going to express. Because I have opinions. Check THAT out - a year ago I don't think I would feel so comfortable even going there! Forming opinions for one, AND expressing them without shame especially.
Qualm: So there are the "addicts" and there are "loved ones of addicts." Loved ones of addicts are also often referred to as the "codependents." But.... aren't we like... all the same? I hate separating the two. I hate talking about them like they're different. I've been full blown codependent since I can remember (now that I know what it means), and picked up a few ways to cope along the way, and those coping mechanisms then labeled me "addict." I'm the loved one. And I'm the addict. And from what I hear, every addict struggles with codependency. I've spoken with "loved ones of addicts" who also have a quiet history of sexual addiction. And besides ... codependency IS an addiction.
Does anyone else ever think about that? Or is it just me?
All it all, it doesn't really matter because we're all working the same program and on the same track and have the same goals and finding ourselves and finding joy through finding Jesus Christ.
But I know for me, I need to focus on recovery from codependency as much or more than my sexual addiction.
Anywho.
The Relapse:
I've detoxed from a couple people a few months ago which was grounds of hell at the time. But since then I've been much better with these friends! Much more peaceful and less obsessive and jealous. Well... I thought so anyway.
This past week a previously unhealthy/newly healthy/currently unknown status of healthy attachment (aka best friend) started avoiding me, not responding to my texts or emails, and quickly dismissed me in person with shallow excuses when I'd try to simply chat as friends do, yet continuing to spend time with our other friends. I think I'm normal in that I felt hurt and confused. But the intensity wasn't normal. Finally I asked if I did something wrong, I asked for clarity, and if I was overanalyzing and assuming irrationally, or if I was actually picking up weird vibes. The response: "I just can't handle any one on one time right now, I can't handle other people's issues right now." Where did my mind go? ... Do I share this? I'll share a bit...
"Am I that scary? That awful? Am I a monster!? You don't feel safe being alone with me??? So much that you have to hide and avoid and ignore me like this?"
And then the anxiety begins.... yay.
(Remember, the top three characteristics of anxiety are overanalyzing, black and white thinking, and avoiding)
"So I guess she doesn't want to be friends anymore."
"So I guess I'm too dangerous for her, and we can never talk again. I was too much."
"So I guess this means I'm not good enough for anyone! I can't share who I really am with anyone! I will have to wear the mask forever or else I'll always face rejection!"
"I'll never date again, because I'll ruin any marriage because I'll be too much. Too overbearing. Too attached. Too clingy. Too dependent. Too needy. Too demanding. I hold too many expectations. I'll never be able to stop wanting to punish people with my silent treatments and revenge tactics for ridiculous things."
"When she wants to talk to me, I'll tell her she can't, because I'm not good for her to talk to. I'll just get attached. And mad. And I'll tell her I need to find better friends who can handle me."
"If she's having a hard time, and doesn't feel like she can come to me and talk, and instead feels the need to shut me away,... then that means I'm a bad person."
"Maybe I should move away."
"Maybe I should stay at the school from morning til midnight every day now so our paths can never cross."
(um... does anyone else detect the codependency in all that.... relying wholly on another's actions/feelings/words/behaviors to decide how I feel about and see myself and my life, and needing desperately to be needed in order to feel at peace... ETC)
My heart is pounding as I'm writing this... I still struggle with those thoughts.
My anxiety was SO bad, when she walked into a room or even a room next to me, or if I anticipated her coming my way, my heart would pound, I'd feel sick, light headed, and struggle to breathe. THAT is how dependent I am on another person to feel at peace. That's not normal.
Again. I'm so sick of feeling so crazy.
I prayed and prayed. I had gone to the temple. I read some scriptures. I even took what I read and tried to form a letter I felt Heavenly Father would want to write me, which felt nice. Personal revelation. I cried and cried and cried, and gave myself permission to feel. I did what I could to keep myself away from the dark corners of depression. To listen to uplifting music. I didn't give in to any unhealthy ways of coping as much as I reeeally wanted to.
As Elder Wirthlin said, "Sunday will come." And it did.
Tender Mercies
Sunday I received tender mercy after tender mercy after tender mercy. Monday was the same. Today is Tuesday. I still haven't really seen this friend (roommate) face to face since Saturday, due to blessed (not coincidence, nope) circumstances of both happening to have stuff going on in different places. Giving me time to heal, detach, refocus, remember what's important, reconnect with other people, have new experiences that bring me joy in groups of people who care about me, remind myself life goes on without this individual, and be able to think less harshly, less "black and white"/drastic, and especially connect with myself, my life, my wants and needs, and Heavenly Father. I've been able to see things from her perspective, and recognize she's just having a hard time and is trying to set boundaries for herself, and whether that is healthy for her or not, I can let that be her problem to solve, not mine to fix. (trying to see things that way anyway) Haven't made it past the avoidance stage yet... so it's not over. But... at least there is peace. For the most part.
P.S. I just read this post from blog "His Prob is Not My Prob" titled "What is Wrong with Me?!" and it was AWESOME. http://myhealingisaboutme.blogspot.com/2013/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.html
Amazing insight on yourself. That is great. I could've written this post and it has helped me so so so much today. I didn't even recognize those co-dependent feelings I was having toward a friend, now I know how to move past it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Jana:). Glad to help! And the insight has come with much practice and help. Insight is huge progress... I'm still figuring out what all exactly to do with it though. lol Thanks for commenting!!
DeleteI identify with a lot of what you wrote here. I AM seeing my co-dependent nature more clearly. And I recently stood up for myself does and refused to be manipulated by an addict friend of mine. But OH how it hurts when someone pulls back from me!
ReplyDeleteI used to say "What doesn't kill you...hurts a lot".
Now I am beginning to see that it actually does make me stronger. It challenges my recovery, and when I come through on the other side I am more prepared for the next big challenge. Great, honest post, of the dust!
Yes it hurts it hurts so much! I know what you mean I use to hate Kelly Clarkson's song "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've finally softened up to the idea as well. Thanks Dan. :)
Deletei think about the codependency/addict thing all the time. No one likes labels. and aren't we all the same? we all struggle and we all have success. i think we might be all the same and at the same time we are completely different...
ReplyDeleteGood glad I'm not the only one! Yes... I think you're right. We are both those things.
DeleteI am what you would call the loved one of an addict...my husband is addicted to porn/sex and I just realized 4 months ago that my addiction is Co-dependency. Never even heard of the word until I started the 12 Steps. I know I have other addictions as well. I liked your thoughts on addicts vs. loved ones. Makes total sense! We should just call ourselves Addicts. However, spouses of porn/sex addicts don't really realize that they have an addiction to Co-dependency until they start the 12 Steps.
ReplyDeleteIt is also true that anyone can be co-dependent, no matter if they are addicted to porn/sex or not. My husband is Co-dependent as well as our daughter. I am hoping that by overcoming this addiction, we can be a light to her. She is still a child, so we are not sure what to do yet.
Also, I can totally relate to your co-dependent craziness, even down to the feeling of anxiety, heart racing, and nausea. I even struggle with these feelings when I am talking on the phone with friends...ugh!
Thank you for your insights!
I like what you said about giving yourself permission to feel.
My therapist told me a few weeks ago that, "Each of us have 12 people who influence us. They dish out negative and positive things and sometimes it can be overwhelming to hear. We feel the need to please them all and still don't feel like we measure up to anything."
She said, "Pretend you are in the center of a circle and those 12 people are in front of you. Now look behind you, there is one person there...it's the Savior. His voice is the only one that matters."
f I focus on the Savior, I have no desire to give in to co-dependency.
Thanks for sharing your journey, you are inspiring too many:)
Codependents are addicts. But calling ourselves codependents defines a certain type of addiction that I believe is much harder to untangle. Addiction to controlling people and relationships have WAY more depth and complexities involved than addiction to anything else. So you're new to this whole term as of a few month eh? It's hard to learn about yourself. Can I recommend a couple great books?
DeleteCodependent No More by Melody Beattie, (how to overcome it - REALLY good I reread it a lot) and Facing Codependency by Pat Melody. (how we got this way--THIS one will help you TONS with your daughter, it talks in detail about how the way children are treated can trigger codependent behaviors and thinking, and how to treat them in healthy ways instead)
Thanks for what you said about the circle and 12 people and Savior. I actually used that picture in my mind several times today. I'm glad you commented, thanks for sharing!!
Thanks for the books! I am going to order them this weekend.
DeleteThanks for your thoughts:) I know I haven't been treating her great lately. I've been so caught up in recovery that I forget my children need an emotional connection with me.
Glad to help! Good luck!!!! One thing I specifically remember is that parents are responsible to let their children see that they can express their needs and wants, and also their emotions, and not hide it. Otherwise they will feel the tension, be affected by the unexpressed emotions, and get caught up their own worry, and learn from the parent that expressing themselves isn't safe or allowed.
DeleteI'm glad that my post could help! :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love this part: "But.... aren't we like... all the same? I hate separating the two. I hate talking about them like they're different. I've been full blown codependent since I can remember (now that I know what it means), and picked up a few ways to cope along the way, and those coping mechanisms then labeled me "addict." I'm the loved one. And I'm the addict." I also like what Scabs added about us "all being the same but also completely different." Sometimes I think struggles and trials, whatever they may be, can really help us have more true empathy for each other.
Seriously, I read your post a couple times!! Thank you.
DeleteAnd thanks for the empathy. :) I like what you said about that.
i like the insight about we all need the atonement and also the 12 steps (aka..Atonement for Dummies) Because frankly, I'm a codependent too. I am learning little by little about it from all you others. I read your part about your reactions to your roommate. Wow, I have done that. I am SUPER black and white. I am a champion at axing a relationship when the first thing goes wrong.
ReplyDeleteGreat honest post. These are the kind of realizations that cause for LEAPS in our recovery.
Thank you Warrior, I'm glad to hear so many people relating, this helps me a lot!
DeleteDon't you hate how we do that? Sigh... we'll learn eventually. Heavenly Father I think wanted me to learn something about trust in this. And a serious need to detach. I still need a few more days to put the pieces together though. Thanks!
I love this post so much. Thank you for being an inspiration, and for teaching me uncomfortable truths about myself.
ReplyDeleteHaha, you're welcome! Any time!!
DeleteI think this should be added to Scabs' insanity series. :) I LOVE how you describe what codependency can feel like. It's in rubbing shoulders with people in the addiction world that I really came to realize that I've been a codependent pretty much my whole life and you described it so. well.
ReplyDeleteAddicts are my heroes, so call yourself whatever you will, but I'm grateful for people like you who share your stories because they help people like me who had no idea how sick we really were. I wish more people in the Church could see and feel and know the power of the 12 steps. They really are for anyone who is wanting to find some peace from crazy patterns in their life. We are ALL addicts to one degree or another because we are human, and humans have coping mechanisms that, as Melodie Beattie talks about, may serve a purpose for a while (self-protection) but outlive their usefulness. There is a Better Way, the Real Protection, and He is called Christ.
Haha, yeah I know what you mean, I always learn a ton when I read others' stuff like this as well! It's hard to learn about yourself. But getting better feels good, even if it's bit by bit by bit, and even when it comes with several relapses.
DeleteMe too!! I'm very grateful for the 12 steps as well. I'm struggling though step 4 but I revert to the first 3 steps quite regularly.