Learning to be VULNERABLE... uuuugh

Love is not love, until love's vulnerable.

~Theodore Roethke

I've had a bajillion things on my list to blog about lately.  But every time I have a really good idea, I think, "But what if I want to share it in group after I blog it!  Then people will figure out I write this blog!  And they'll know "my story" is MY story!  And they'll know that all those details belong to ME!  Plus they'll have to hear my thoughts two times and I'll just be wasting my breath and their time!  And then.... and then.... and then? ... Hm.  So what then?

What IF people in group find out it's me?  What IF group knows those things?  What IF a few people hear it a second time?  What if my secrets are out?  Am I afraid they'll stop loving me?  That they'll judge me?  That they'll think differently of me?  .... yeah, probably.  I'm afraid of those things.

My number ONE fear though, for me, where my fiercest and most raging anxiety is rooted... is the great fear that my pain and sorrow and suffering will not be treated with care, that it won't matter to those who find out, that someone will say (or even think it without saying it), "That's not such a big deal... that's not so bad... that's not something to complain about... there are worse things... people have suffered worse things... I have suffered worse things."  AKA: Your pain is not valid... your suffering doesn't matter... don't be sad... don't be angry... don't be hurt... you're bad for feeling negative... stuff your feelings back into your little box and don't show them to anyone again.  It's a very real fear for me.  So... Why is that such a big deal for me?  Therapy has taught me... it's because I'm being dependent on others to validate my feelings.  And why is that?  Because I don't believe they are valid on their own.  But in truth and reality, they are important and meaningful and valid simply because they are mine.

I've always been the bright and happy girl who never complains, always smiles, doesn't need help, doesn't cry, doesn't get angry, doesn't get hurt, doesn't feel sad, and saves the world.  In June when I told my sister I'm seeing therapist, she responded, "Oh, I'm so glad to find out you're human.  I've never in my whole life seen you do anything but smile."  I dedicated a song to myself in high school that goes, "I'm Supergirl, and I'm here to save the world.  But I wanna know, who's gonna save me?"

My very first panic attack episodes began because I wrote a personal essay about something difficult I'd experienced as a teen, with the goal and intent of being completely honest about my experience for the first time.  I emailed it to a friend for feedback and as soon as I sent it, and made my feelings known to another person, my brain exploded.  I didn't sleep for 5 nights and couldn't sit through most my classes through the rest of the semester because my sudden onslaught of anxiety was so severe.  

Vulnerability was truly killing me in my mind.  But now... a year and a half later... it has been the repeated practice of making myself vulnerable again and again and again that has helped me.

Now I am learning that:

Vulnerability kills shame:  

Hi, I struggle with a sexual addiction and can be super codependent.  What?... You still like me?  You still love me?  ...You love me MORE?

Vulnerability instills value:

I felt sad and hurt when that happened, and I can say that because my feelings are important as anyone else's.  They may be irrational, but that's okay I'll take care of that next.  My feelings right now still matter and I can feel them and talk about them, because I matter.

Vulnerability keeps us safe:
I don't like that.  You're not allowed to do that to me because I have feelings and yes, I can get hurt.

Vulnerability creates intimacy and trust:

I'm not a good cook.  I sometimes lie to protect my feelings.  I'm often late for things.  I'm a worrier and tend to overanalyze.  I judge people sometimes.  I'm afraid of...  You hurt my feelings yesterday when...  I feel disrespected when you...   ........you love me anyway???  Despite my imperfections?  I can be myself with you?  My feelings matter enough that you're willing to try and improve?  You will respect my boundary?  I can trust you??

Vulnerability helps us:
-retain honesty
-take risks
-achieve infinite amounts of joy
-be creative
-connect to other humans
-become aware of our wants, feelings, needs, and teaches us they are important
-acquire love for others and ourselves

Vulnerability opens our door to the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

I'm scared... please comfort me.  I messed up... please forgive and heal me.  I'm not strong enough... please bear me up.  I'm hurting... please hold me.  I'm angry at that person... please soften my heart.  I'm  in a hard position... please help me know what to do.  My talents aren't good enough for this job... please make up for what I can't.  I'm still messing up... please still love me anyway as I continue to try.

Recent vulnerable moment in my real life!!!:

During Christmas, my older sister who thinks all is great and well in my life and always has been, asked me about dating again.  Instead of giving the usual short answer "oh ya know... boys shmoys" and changing the subject (I've never seriously dated anyone) I decided to give her a real part of me this time.  I said yes there is someone I like, who probably likes me even more than I like him.  She asked if I'm dating him.  I said no.  Confused, she asked why.  I slowly said because I'm making him wait for me to get through some personal things before I'm ready to take on dating again.  Then I told her I'm on a break from dating for a while.  I held my breath and thought, "DID I JUST SAY THAT??"  She said, oh okay.  That was it.  She didn't treat me differently, or try to fix me, or give me advice, or make me feel bad in any way.  More importantly, I gave myself value in sharing something real about myself, and wasn't expecting anything from her in the process.  My experience was valid enough to me, and I didn't need her to approve of anything as I shared.  And in sharing that tiny little bit... I allowed an opportunity to grow a little closer to my sister, giving her a chance to know me a little better, which in turn allowed me to feel accepted by her.  A baby-step toward intimacy and trust!

Dear Vulnerability,

Please keep showing up!

Love,
dust