Father, Why Are You Still Here?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow.  I forgot you again.  I got bored so I went to facebook.  I felt lonely so I texted my friend.  I felt ill so I layed down and had a pity party.  I felt hurt so I cried to myself.  I felt that familiar pull to my unhealthy attachments so I stayed in my room and felt even more sorry for myself, and deeply ashamed.  I grew jealous of others and shame thickened.  I got back on facebook, and when I got off I made mental lists of reasons to be more ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I decided you'd probably want me to build healthier relationships so I thought about my lack of efforts to make new friends and that I need to pursue that harder, and talked to them on fb, texted them, tried talking to them at church... but I still felt empty inside.  I've been working step 4 every day this week, but that only brings back sad memories, so I get on fb when I'm done.  I talk to my sponsor and she says stuff like, "Tell Heavenly Father this" and "listen to the spirit about that" and I'm like, "....Oh yeah."  Every.  Single.  Time.  Why can't I remember how much better I feel when I go to YOU FIRST.  Why can't I remember that peace actually does come when I first express my thoughts and feelings to you?  Why can't I feel a pull towards my scriptures and your words and my Savior before anything or anyone else?  Why ...am I so human?

And Father, WHY do you still love me?  Why, after being so selfish and after neglecting you, do you still never give up on me?  How, after such casual scripture study and prayer with you, how can you extend such great and immense love and peace the very moment I remember to put forth actual effort?  Why do you forgive me so quickly when I take so long to forgive myself and others??  Why are you so good to me when I don't deserve it?  How can you still be here waiting for me, knocking knocking knocking, when I desire selfish things before I desire you?

Why did you let Him suffer so much, when I take Him for granted every hour of every day??

I am crying - tears of gratitude.  Father, I thank Thee.  I truly stand all amazed.

***

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Be Brave: Say What You Want To Say

Just discovered this song!!!

This has been one of the best parts of recovery for ME.  Learning to say what I want to say!  It feels SO nice to be honest.  It feels magnificent to drop the shame I carried for having negative emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc.  I can be who I am, and say what I want to say.  How seriously beautiful is that??

Dude Satan had me stuck for 26 years.  I thought I had to wear a dumb smile all the time and agree with everyone and make them all happy all the time.  What the heck.

Christ asks us to have honesty.  Integrity.  Virtue.  None of those words come with being fake.  He asks us to receive this great joy.  We can't know joy if we don't allow the sorrow and anger and darkness.  Finally I learned about pride, which kills and destroys honesty.  Pretending for the sake of pleasing others.  God would rather have us be real.

BRAVE

By Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

And they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down

By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence

Won’t do you any good

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

Codependency again!?!?

GUUUUUH

What the HECK what the heck what the heck.  One day I'm my own separate person who simply has friends.  All is going well.  And the next, suddenly I'm once again the major huge jealous dependent codependent clingy controlling needy freak of a "friend" who doesn't have friends, but has appendages!  One day I'm like, "Yay I can finally do healthy relationships!"  And the next I'm crying myself to sleep because my roommate didn't text me enough, didn't tell me her problems, and didn't even say good night to me before shutting her bedroom door to go to bed.  This is me being REALLY vulnerable because that... is really embarrassing information to put out.  But there it is. This is my current main addiction and status.  I struggle with codependency.  Is what it is.

My anxiety is awful lately.  I haven't slept more than 2 hours in 2 weeks now.... except last night I got a solid golden 5!  I think it's because I wore myself out from crying.  Hm, tender mercy in disguise?  And suddenly my body feels all gross and jittery again, food doesn't appeal to me most the time, and I'm always afraid afraid afraid.  But not too afraid.  I refuse to let it put me in my room to be lonely pathetic cranky cavewoman again.  Not this time.

This time is different.

I'm calling friends now.  Old ones.  The best friends I made years ago and stopped talking to when I began isolating the first time.  Feels great.

I'm continuing in vulnerability and being myself and assertive in as many situations as possible, including new situations like with family members.

I'm forcing myself into social situations despite my fear.

I'm reaching out to my visiting teachers.  (Who brought me a Snickers ice cream bar tonight!)

I'm working hard to remain productive.  (Gotta do homework!)

I'm trying (and frequently failing) to trust people.

I'm trying really really really hard, despite my obsessive compulsive repetitive thoughts to think of the Savior, only needing the Savior, only seeing the Savior, and believing my need for Him can fulfill and replace my unhealthy needs.  I know there are "steps" that will help me actually achieve that for real, and I know that it is a process, and I understand there is much work to be done to get there.  But in those awful pain stricken moments all I can do is beg Heavenly Father to cover me up safe, wrap me up tight, and tell me it is going to be okay.  I often curl up in a ball at nights now, rock back and forth, and pretend He is rocking me.  Sometimes I close my eyes, stroke my own hair and I imagine they are His hands on my head.  And sometimes I whisper words of comfort to myself, pretending they are coming from His lips.  How badly I just want to be held by the One who understands it all.

Before today, I refused to see this as a codependent relapse.  I just wanted it to be a small temporary anxiety relapse that would pass when these new stresses and circumstances of life passed.  I wanted to justify my behavior as reacting to loss (why do besties gotta move away??) and the past memories of loss that current losses trigger.  But..... truth is that this life's stress never goes away.  The point is to learn to cope with stress in life appropriately, without reverting back to our addictions.  Right?  The point is to be free from our destructive behaviors, and have peace even in the midst of adversity.  To retain the ability to act, and not be acted upon, even when life is crazy.  Right?  Sigh.... no, this isn't just about being temporarily stressed.  Today I came back to step one and had to recognize this as a problem.  Okay.  My life is unmanageable and I can't get out by myself.  I have strong unhealthy needs that are making me miserable and I need help.

It's just that, ....I hate hate hate seeing people I love suffer, and I hate that I can't make their lives better, and I hate when I try and they won't let me, and I hate when they stop talking to me and inconsiderately leave me to worry worry worry sick about them, (and make me feel unimportant by talking to someone else)....... I mean how dare they?  Haha yep I know.  It's all about me.  I make it all about me.  I need them to be okay so I can be okay.  If they're not okay, I can't be okay.  It's like I feel guilty for being okay if they're suffering, so I find ways to make myself suffer too.  (which makes zero sense)  And I need them to need and rely on me, so I can feel of worth.  Somewhere I lost sight of me, my recovery, my feelings, my life.  My relationship with God.  I'm too busy focused on someone else's.  Just a few minutes ago I was reading a blog post and thinking "how could this help so-and-so?"  Then I was like, "Seriously, dust, did you just do that?"  I started over and made a conscious effort to read it for me.  I still ended up starting over one more time because I lost focus again!

I have a lovely print out from my therapist about "letting go."  I read it over and over.  I'll probably post it for you later, it's really helpful.

P.S.  By the way, Step 4 doesn't make me feel better.  Right now "working the steps" doesn't make me feel better.  I'm sorry but when I'm miserable and lonely and already remembering all the horrible things of my life, the last thing I want to do is spend time writing about it.  I know it'll help when it's over, I can totally tell, but in the process it sucks.  Step 4 sucks.  My life wasn't even all that bad.  Really.  But for me, right now, it sucks and I don't like when people ask me if I'm working the steps, expecting that they're suppose to make life better.  So I review steps 1 2 3 instead.  Does that make sense??  Do others feel that way?

Okay.  Gonna go to bed and try to sleep.  Here's a song:

"This is what it is... to be held...."

Dear Satan

Dear Satan, 

BACK OFF. I've got a life to live and I will live it well. I will make friends, share my opinions, be myself, seek to fulfill important life goals and dreams, and I will fulfill them. Oh will I fulfill them. Want to know why? Because I have Jesus Christ carrying me. I am in His arms. He is holding me on high ground far far away from you. The only thing you can mess with is my head, that's it. And today, I'm telling you, BACK OFF. Today, I'm asking my Savior to take me as I am right now, imperfect and messy, and hold me tighter, love me more tenderly, reassure me with greater compassion, and act as a light and shield between me and you. I'm done considering your lies. I'm done worrying about things that aren't real. I'm done listening to your elaborate stories about me, and about the people I love. You're done. So...

Get. Thee. Hence.

Sincerely, 

Girl of the Dust/Daughter of a King

1st Date in Over a Year

So.  My old roommate has been waiting to set me up with her friend, who I've met twice through her, for a loooong time.  I finally gave her the okay.  So, this past Friday, I went out on my first date in quite a long, long while.

I spent the entire two days before the date whining and complaining to my friends about how much I don't want to go.  I'm not ready.  I'm still scared.  I'm not good enough.  He's too cute.  It's just gonna be another night of avoiding real conversation, wearing plastic smiles, and lies.  I'm not going to be any fun!  He's either going to get really bored or turned off if I be myself, or he'll think I'm a blast because I'll be super fake-perfect like I always am on dates.  (ooooh, so that's why dating's never been fun for me)

First activity: cooking dinner together.  By the way, I hate cooking and I'm terrible at it.  Stresses me out!  I think the fear of ruining it overrides the joy for me.  But guys like girls who cook so, I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and acted like I knew my way around a kitchen.  Until.... he asked me to spice the sizzling fajita mix on the stove.  I asked what he usually puts in it.  He listed a nice list of words I've heard my roommates throw around, but were pretty much foreign languages to me.  You know.  Oregano... that's the only one I remember....  So finally I caved and announced, "Uh.... I gotta be honest, I have no idea what those mean."  Which opened up a conversation which ended with him saying, "So... you're basically a stranger to the kitchen huh?"  Me:  Great, it's over, he's going to take me home next, he's making up his mind that this will just be a "for fun" and that's all.  Some other girl will make him much happier.  Him:  laughter.  Next he stood next to me by the pan, touched my arm and showed me how he spices it.  He said I could put some lime on it.  I had to cut it first, so I held the lime and put the knife to it... and said, "Uh, I don't know which direction to cut one of these is best."  He laughed again, came close, and showed me.  He pulled out a lime juicer, one of those cool contraptions you make fresh orange juice with, and said I could use it.  Again... I broke my rule and said what I was really thinking, "Um, I've never used one of those before."  He laughed again!!!  Said something like, "Oh wow! You weren't kidding!"  He stood close with a huge grin and watched me with what seemed to be pure delight and entertainment, as I juiced my first lime.  From that point on, I was more myself than I'd ever been on a date, ever before.  He loves to cook.  I don't.  That's fine.  Awesome!!  I also felt something good inside I'd never felt on a date.  I think it's called connection.  I'd never connected on my end before, because I've always been "fake girl."  Intimacy can't grow without honesty.  Dang those therapists always have to be right.

That led to a night in which I felt the most accepted and myself than I'd ever been on an entire date.  But then toward the end of the night, I learned something hard about myself.

He showed me pots he was making in ceramics.  He told me about voice lessons he's taking.  He told me how he goes rock climbing 4-5 times a week.  He told me all the things he loves to learn about, how he loves traveling and seeing the world, meeting new people and learning languages, how life is about living in the present and making the most of what we've got.  He asked what I like to do in my spare time.  What are my passions?  What do I do for my regular stress relief?  I had nothing to say.  I only do what I HAVE to do, and when life finally deals me with some spare time, I waste it.  But I didn't tell him about my hours and hours on facebook.  I said I just don't really think about what my own passions are a whole lot.  He leaned forward with a look of both shock that anyone could live without such things, and also a look of concern, and asked, "So then... what DO you think about?"  After a long pause, wanting to be honest but not say too much, I finally found my answer.  "I worry."  I ended up telling him more personal things from there, though not too much, and instead of dismissing me with disappointment, he just wanted to keep talking and find out who I am.  I felt comfortable and safe, and was careful not to "over share" by setting a boundary with "Maybe another time I might get more into that but not now."  He respected that.  I wasn't ready to tell him I see a psychologist and struggle with anxiety etc.... etc....

So.  Now I have a new goal.  I have to want to make my life MY life and do things that are for me.  I need to want to live instead of survive.  I need to want to discover my passions and go for them.  I need want to be like this guy if I want to actually live a full life.  He's so comfortable with who he is and his life, even though he still has no idea where it's going to take him yet, it's beautiful.

Okay.  Back to the steps then.  I've taken a long enough break.  Time to stop avoiding and distracting and time to stop letting my addictions and fears and worries control me.  Time to live!  Suddenly I'm SO unmotivated and emotionally blah.  When did that happen?  Desires to pray and read and study and do homework... not there.  That's another story though.

I don't know that I'm ready to "date," but I'm definitely grateful for what I learned on this date.  I was seriously astounded that someone could live life so fully as he does.  I hope I can figure out how to be like that.  And I'm grateful to learn that I can be myself.  Someday someone will love me for me, but I have to be myself for that to happen.

Did Step 4 Really Help you? How?

I'll begin with the questions and then I'll explain.

Questions:

Did Step 4 really help?  Why?  How?

Did Step 5 really help?  Why?  How?

After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different?  Does it actually go away?  Can you tell me about that?  How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better?  I'm feeling skeptical.........

Explanation:

My life is still sucked away by this project (only 6 more days!!! Which means it's especially stressful to get this done but yay only 6 more days!).  I feel like Heavenly Father has been protecting me and making life go smoothly for the past couple months so that I could get this done.  I've been in good spirits and haven't had much else to stress over except the usual codependent stuff.  I also haven't been working on my steps at all because I just couldn't afford the time.  A few days ago I received a message from my sister's best friend telling me my sister is suicidal, refuses to see a doctor or do anything to help herself, and she's worried and wants me to contact her.  Yes the peace boat was finally rocked.  I have a history with my sister that I honestly don't know how to describe or feel about simply because I've worked so hard to sweep everything under a rug where I don't feel or remember as much.  I once had a strong attachment to her unlike any other of my siblings.  Now I feel the most distant to her, emotionally.

Anyway, I called her (a very very rare thing for me to call a family member to chat) and we've talked a couple times.  Turns out her friends forced her to the ER, who sent her home with a suicide plan, therapy and doctor's appointments, and she's basically out-patient institutionalized.  So she's taken care of.  But this whole event and our long phone conversations have triggered a whole slew of stuff for me.

I've been sleeping fabulously the past couple months which is awesome because when I began recovery, I was getting maybe 2 hours per night for a long long time.  But these past 2 nights have been full of anxiety all over again.  I decided last night to use my sleepless time well and finally start writing my Step 4.  The past month or two I've been doing the 30 in 30 step where you write down positive Christ-like qualities and what Heavenly Father wants you to do with them.  That took me foreeeever to write.  I haven't started my real Step 4 until... well, last night.

So I need to know!  Does this really help???  Cuz I gotta say, I reacted dramatically to a situation this morning in my apartment and I was like, "Why am I so upset about this???"  Then I realized how related and similar today's situation felt to the stories I had written down last night.  Do I really want to write about all this?  Is this pain worth revisiting?  Now I'll repeat:

Questions:

Did Step 4 really help?  Why?  How?

Did Step 5 really help?  Why?  How?

After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different?  Does it actually go away?  Can you tell me about that?  How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better?  I'm feeling skeptical.........

Over 20 Weeks Sober Looks Like....

I have never been able to focus like this.  Not since 5 years ago as a missionary - which was the longest period of time I was sober in my life, by the way.  I can see and comprehend things that are astounding to me lately.  I have desires and goals and energy.  I am learning a lot, spiritual and secular, and want to learn more.  I am productive and want to produce more.  I am creating and want to create more.  I want to be around people and make new friends.  I can't wait to go visiting teaching I love my girls.  I'm still sporadic with scripture study and prayer... which is sad to say.  But the past two weeks my scripture study has become very important... I'm finding treasures in scriptures and church magazines the way I use to find on my mission.  I'm looking for gospel sharing opportunities.  I can't stop thinking about the future and how bright it can be, the adventures I'll have, the more lessons I'll get to learn, and people I can touch.  The places I can go.  A family I can have.  And guess what else?  I can feel.  I feel up and down and up and down.  I cry from joy and sorrow.  After numb.  After years and years of numb and begging and pleading for years....  now I can feel.  I have cried SO much this week.  About all kinds of things, happy and sad!  Because I opened the door to emotions (with a lot of work, time, therapy, and prayer), I can feel.  The other day I got that happy tickle in my stomach that comes from imagining the holidays coming up..... I haven't felt that tickle in my stomach in years.  I almost forgot about it.

This is not what I meant to write about when I got on here just now.  But of all things to share... how can I not express gratitude. I could complain about plenty tonight.  Oh I totally could.  But... to be honest, which is my favorite thing right now by the way (honesty), I LOVE telling people what I really think it feels so nice!!!... anyway... to be honest, I just don't really want to complain right now.  Instead I want to express how much my life is different and better because I have the Savior at my side.  My sponsor taught me to turn to Him first, over and over and over and over, and finally it is sticking.  She taught me to ride waves.  I've written plenty of texts to her and never sent them over the past little while... because I already knew what she'd say and I just decided to put down my phone and do that instead.  The spirit is working in my life and bringing light to my mind and heart in the times that I need help, courage, strength, and understanding.  And clarity.  And comfort.  And everything!

*   *   *

Right now I'm having a huge eye opener.  Mostly I wish I have to didn't learn this ;).  Over the past 24 hours I've recognized obvious codependent symptoms going on between one of my best friends and me that I hadn't recognized before, surprisingly.  I knew my own symptoms and behaviors, that I was "dependent," but now I see them on both sides, making us classically codependent.  Dang.  However, now I have the tools and help of my Savior to now practice being healthy on my end, to set boundaries for myself.  And now I know to trust that Heavenly Father will keep His promises that things will work out.  It will be okay.  She will be okay.  I will be okay.  We can still be friends, but I have to make some changes now.  For both our sakes.

I don't have to rescue.  I don't have to fix.  I don't have to bug my friend for information and details while I know full well that she'll keep it all in, remain silent, distant, and isolate and suffer and hurt if I don't, even though it kills me not to.  I get to give her the same chance to grow that I had.  I get to let her learn to ask for help, and reach out herself.  To find joy through struggle.  I get to let her find the Savior first.  I get to believe that I don't have to rescue out of fear of rejection and loss (but that's still super hard).  I get to trust and let go and let God.  I get to let her discover, if she chooses to search for it, the freedom that comes from honesty.  I will be there for her, and I still love her very much, but now I get to practice being there for the Savior, and for me, very first, and let the spirit direct me from there.  I'm still learning how and making plenty of mistakes, and sure I still feel ashamed at how truly hard it is to let these things go.  But.... now I'm also learning to just say... oh well.  Yeah this is hard, yeah I messed up, yeah I'm still far from perfect, but oh well.  I'm doing my best and that's good enough for Heavenly Father, so that can be good enough for me!

I'm grateful for the sabbath day.  I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the change and miracles that are possible because of it.  I'm grateful to know that the true nature of God is far more kind and merciful and gentle and tender than I can possibly imagine ever in this lifetime.