Dear Satan

Dear Satan, 

BACK OFF. I've got a life to live and I will live it well. I will make friends, share my opinions, be myself, seek to fulfill important life goals and dreams, and I will fulfill them. Oh will I fulfill them. Want to know why? Because I have Jesus Christ carrying me. I am in His arms. He is holding me on high ground far far away from you. The only thing you can mess with is my head, that's it. And today, I'm telling you, BACK OFF. Today, I'm asking my Savior to take me as I am right now, imperfect and messy, and hold me tighter, love me more tenderly, reassure me with greater compassion, and act as a light and shield between me and you. I'm done considering your lies. I'm done worrying about things that aren't real. I'm done listening to your elaborate stories about me, and about the people I love. You're done. So...

Get. Thee. Hence.

Sincerely, 

Girl of the Dust/Daughter of a King

1st Date in Over a Year

So.  My old roommate has been waiting to set me up with her friend, who I've met twice through her, for a loooong time.  I finally gave her the okay.  So, this past Friday, I went out on my first date in quite a long, long while.

I spent the entire two days before the date whining and complaining to my friends about how much I don't want to go.  I'm not ready.  I'm still scared.  I'm not good enough.  He's too cute.  It's just gonna be another night of avoiding real conversation, wearing plastic smiles, and lies.  I'm not going to be any fun!  He's either going to get really bored or turned off if I be myself, or he'll think I'm a blast because I'll be super fake-perfect like I always am on dates.  (ooooh, so that's why dating's never been fun for me)

First activity: cooking dinner together.  By the way, I hate cooking and I'm terrible at it.  Stresses me out!  I think the fear of ruining it overrides the joy for me.  But guys like girls who cook so, I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and acted like I knew my way around a kitchen.  Until.... he asked me to spice the sizzling fajita mix on the stove.  I asked what he usually puts in it.  He listed a nice list of words I've heard my roommates throw around, but were pretty much foreign languages to me.  You know.  Oregano... that's the only one I remember....  So finally I caved and announced, "Uh.... I gotta be honest, I have no idea what those mean."  Which opened up a conversation which ended with him saying, "So... you're basically a stranger to the kitchen huh?"  Me:  Great, it's over, he's going to take me home next, he's making up his mind that this will just be a "for fun" and that's all.  Some other girl will make him much happier.  Him:  laughter.  Next he stood next to me by the pan, touched my arm and showed me how he spices it.  He said I could put some lime on it.  I had to cut it first, so I held the lime and put the knife to it... and said, "Uh, I don't know which direction to cut one of these is best."  He laughed again, came close, and showed me.  He pulled out a lime juicer, one of those cool contraptions you make fresh orange juice with, and said I could use it.  Again... I broke my rule and said what I was really thinking, "Um, I've never used one of those before."  He laughed again!!!  Said something like, "Oh wow! You weren't kidding!"  He stood close with a huge grin and watched me with what seemed to be pure delight and entertainment, as I juiced my first lime.  From that point on, I was more myself than I'd ever been on a date, ever before.  He loves to cook.  I don't.  That's fine.  Awesome!!  I also felt something good inside I'd never felt on a date.  I think it's called connection.  I'd never connected on my end before, because I've always been "fake girl."  Intimacy can't grow without honesty.  Dang those therapists always have to be right.

That led to a night in which I felt the most accepted and myself than I'd ever been on an entire date.  But then toward the end of the night, I learned something hard about myself.

He showed me pots he was making in ceramics.  He told me about voice lessons he's taking.  He told me how he goes rock climbing 4-5 times a week.  He told me all the things he loves to learn about, how he loves traveling and seeing the world, meeting new people and learning languages, how life is about living in the present and making the most of what we've got.  He asked what I like to do in my spare time.  What are my passions?  What do I do for my regular stress relief?  I had nothing to say.  I only do what I HAVE to do, and when life finally deals me with some spare time, I waste it.  But I didn't tell him about my hours and hours on facebook.  I said I just don't really think about what my own passions are a whole lot.  He leaned forward with a look of both shock that anyone could live without such things, and also a look of concern, and asked, "So then... what DO you think about?"  After a long pause, wanting to be honest but not say too much, I finally found my answer.  "I worry."  I ended up telling him more personal things from there, though not too much, and instead of dismissing me with disappointment, he just wanted to keep talking and find out who I am.  I felt comfortable and safe, and was careful not to "over share" by setting a boundary with "Maybe another time I might get more into that but not now."  He respected that.  I wasn't ready to tell him I see a psychologist and struggle with anxiety etc.... etc....

So.  Now I have a new goal.  I have to want to make my life MY life and do things that are for me.  I need to want to live instead of survive.  I need to want to discover my passions and go for them.  I need want to be like this guy if I want to actually live a full life.  He's so comfortable with who he is and his life, even though he still has no idea where it's going to take him yet, it's beautiful.

Okay.  Back to the steps then.  I've taken a long enough break.  Time to stop avoiding and distracting and time to stop letting my addictions and fears and worries control me.  Time to live!  Suddenly I'm SO unmotivated and emotionally blah.  When did that happen?  Desires to pray and read and study and do homework... not there.  That's another story though.

I don't know that I'm ready to "date," but I'm definitely grateful for what I learned on this date.  I was seriously astounded that someone could live life so fully as he does.  I hope I can figure out how to be like that.  And I'm grateful to learn that I can be myself.  Someday someone will love me for me, but I have to be myself for that to happen.

Did Step 4 Really Help you? How?

I'll begin with the questions and then I'll explain.

Questions:

Did Step 4 really help?  Why?  How?

Did Step 5 really help?  Why?  How?

After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different?  Does it actually go away?  Can you tell me about that?  How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better?  I'm feeling skeptical.........

Explanation:

My life is still sucked away by this project (only 6 more days!!! Which means it's especially stressful to get this done but yay only 6 more days!).  I feel like Heavenly Father has been protecting me and making life go smoothly for the past couple months so that I could get this done.  I've been in good spirits and haven't had much else to stress over except the usual codependent stuff.  I also haven't been working on my steps at all because I just couldn't afford the time.  A few days ago I received a message from my sister's best friend telling me my sister is suicidal, refuses to see a doctor or do anything to help herself, and she's worried and wants me to contact her.  Yes the peace boat was finally rocked.  I have a history with my sister that I honestly don't know how to describe or feel about simply because I've worked so hard to sweep everything under a rug where I don't feel or remember as much.  I once had a strong attachment to her unlike any other of my siblings.  Now I feel the most distant to her, emotionally.

Anyway, I called her (a very very rare thing for me to call a family member to chat) and we've talked a couple times.  Turns out her friends forced her to the ER, who sent her home with a suicide plan, therapy and doctor's appointments, and she's basically out-patient institutionalized.  So she's taken care of.  But this whole event and our long phone conversations have triggered a whole slew of stuff for me.

I've been sleeping fabulously the past couple months which is awesome because when I began recovery, I was getting maybe 2 hours per night for a long long time.  But these past 2 nights have been full of anxiety all over again.  I decided last night to use my sleepless time well and finally start writing my Step 4.  The past month or two I've been doing the 30 in 30 step where you write down positive Christ-like qualities and what Heavenly Father wants you to do with them.  That took me foreeeever to write.  I haven't started my real Step 4 until... well, last night.

So I need to know!  Does this really help???  Cuz I gotta say, I reacted dramatically to a situation this morning in my apartment and I was like, "Why am I so upset about this???"  Then I realized how related and similar today's situation felt to the stories I had written down last night.  Do I really want to write about all this?  Is this pain worth revisiting?  Now I'll repeat:

Questions:

Did Step 4 really help?  Why?  How?

Did Step 5 really help?  Why?  How?

After you finished Step 5 did the negative feelings connected with events actually feel different?  Does it actually go away?  Can you tell me about that?  How does just sharing this stuff with one single physical person make it all better?  I'm feeling skeptical.........

Over 20 Weeks Sober Looks Like....

I have never been able to focus like this.  Not since 5 years ago as a missionary - which was the longest period of time I was sober in my life, by the way.  I can see and comprehend things that are astounding to me lately.  I have desires and goals and energy.  I am learning a lot, spiritual and secular, and want to learn more.  I am productive and want to produce more.  I am creating and want to create more.  I want to be around people and make new friends.  I can't wait to go visiting teaching I love my girls.  I'm still sporadic with scripture study and prayer... which is sad to say.  But the past two weeks my scripture study has become very important... I'm finding treasures in scriptures and church magazines the way I use to find on my mission.  I'm looking for gospel sharing opportunities.  I can't stop thinking about the future and how bright it can be, the adventures I'll have, the more lessons I'll get to learn, and people I can touch.  The places I can go.  A family I can have.  And guess what else?  I can feel.  I feel up and down and up and down.  I cry from joy and sorrow.  After numb.  After years and years of numb and begging and pleading for years....  now I can feel.  I have cried SO much this week.  About all kinds of things, happy and sad!  Because I opened the door to emotions (with a lot of work, time, therapy, and prayer), I can feel.  The other day I got that happy tickle in my stomach that comes from imagining the holidays coming up..... I haven't felt that tickle in my stomach in years.  I almost forgot about it.

This is not what I meant to write about when I got on here just now.  But of all things to share... how can I not express gratitude. I could complain about plenty tonight.  Oh I totally could.  But... to be honest, which is my favorite thing right now by the way (honesty), I LOVE telling people what I really think it feels so nice!!!... anyway... to be honest, I just don't really want to complain right now.  Instead I want to express how much my life is different and better because I have the Savior at my side.  My sponsor taught me to turn to Him first, over and over and over and over, and finally it is sticking.  She taught me to ride waves.  I've written plenty of texts to her and never sent them over the past little while... because I already knew what she'd say and I just decided to put down my phone and do that instead.  The spirit is working in my life and bringing light to my mind and heart in the times that I need help, courage, strength, and understanding.  And clarity.  And comfort.  And everything!

*   *   *

Right now I'm having a huge eye opener.  Mostly I wish I have to didn't learn this ;).  Over the past 24 hours I've recognized obvious codependent symptoms going on between one of my best friends and me that I hadn't recognized before, surprisingly.  I knew my own symptoms and behaviors, that I was "dependent," but now I see them on both sides, making us classically codependent.  Dang.  However, now I have the tools and help of my Savior to now practice being healthy on my end, to set boundaries for myself.  And now I know to trust that Heavenly Father will keep His promises that things will work out.  It will be okay.  She will be okay.  I will be okay.  We can still be friends, but I have to make some changes now.  For both our sakes.

I don't have to rescue.  I don't have to fix.  I don't have to bug my friend for information and details while I know full well that she'll keep it all in, remain silent, distant, and isolate and suffer and hurt if I don't, even though it kills me not to.  I get to give her the same chance to grow that I had.  I get to let her learn to ask for help, and reach out herself.  To find joy through struggle.  I get to let her find the Savior first.  I get to believe that I don't have to rescue out of fear of rejection and loss (but that's still super hard).  I get to trust and let go and let God.  I get to let her discover, if she chooses to search for it, the freedom that comes from honesty.  I will be there for her, and I still love her very much, but now I get to practice being there for the Savior, and for me, very first, and let the spirit direct me from there.  I'm still learning how and making plenty of mistakes, and sure I still feel ashamed at how truly hard it is to let these things go.  But.... now I'm also learning to just say... oh well.  Yeah this is hard, yeah I messed up, yeah I'm still far from perfect, but oh well.  I'm doing my best and that's good enough for Heavenly Father, so that can be good enough for me!

I'm grateful for the sabbath day.  I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the change and miracles that are possible because of it.  I'm grateful to know that the true nature of God is far more kind and merciful and gentle and tender than I can possibly imagine ever in this lifetime.

Tonight's Share by way of Blog

So I accidentally posted this entry in my OTHER, NOT-anonymous blog.  I deleted it right away of course, but I have over 50 ppl subscribed to that blog by email!  Over 50 ppl are gonna get a big surprise in their inbox tomorrow!!!!!  I'm freaking out a little bit.....  Well... oh well!  

Here's the post:

Yoooo!

I missed group.  And when I say "missed" I mean both definitions of the term, I'm sad I missed it, and certainly missed being there.  I've been attending every single week since I started going about 20 weeks go.  (which means I'm about 20 weeks sober....)  I have to say, I've had a chance to appreciate group a lot since I didn't go tonight and I missed two weeks ago.  I've been able to recognize how much group has truly helped.  In my conversations with my friends, with whom I usually stay quiet around and hold my opinions in, or when I try to share them I can't figure out what to say....... tonight we got into a discussion that felt quite like a group share.  And I opened my mouth and words came out.  Lots of them.  I didn't stop to analyze a whole lot, I just said what I thought and what I felt.  I didn't stop to wonder if I should or shouldn't say that because of what they might think.  It simply felt natural.  I felt empowered and I felt the spirit, and I felt joy in expressing my experience and feelings about the gospel in the midst of shame and expectations, etc, and what I've learned.  I had a similar moment with my own visiting teachers this past Tuesday.  I allowed myself a moment to express some things I've been going through and what I've learned from it, in a very similar way to a group share as well.  I worried about it afterwards though, and still wonder what they're thinking of me, or if I over shared, or if they'll forever see me as anxiety girl instead of who I really am.  Oh well.  I'm still glad I shared and it still felt really good.  The Lord has made so much out of me in these past few months!  I feel like a walking miracle already and I still have such a long way to go!!

Oh how I love my 12 Step Group.  Group is a place I can feel safe and express anything I want, and with the spirit, among friends who I know relate to me and understand which allows me to not worry about what they're thinking so much, and actually be able to focus on and discover what's inside of ME.  And it's a place to practice again and again and again.  Without that weekly time to share and listen and learn from other sisters like me, I really wonder if I'd have the ability right now.  I know the Lord is in this program.

You guuuuys, I know several people whose lives could turn completely around if they really took hold of this.  It's so hard for me to quietly know, and feel I can't share, because that would mean some crazy bold exposure!  Can't.  I'm not there yet.  Which I hate because I want them to know!!!  But then... just because you tell someone doesn't mean they're going to try it.  And just because they try it doesn't mean they're going to grasp it like I did and get what I'm getting from it.  It's all on them.

Fav quote of the week from my roommate on learning to let other people's problems remain their problems, and not ours:  "This is not my circus.  These are not my monkeys."  Isn't that GREAT??

So my friend and I were discussing how he doesn't like to go to church sometimes.  And how people who love church come off super annoying, because they show up and say, "Isn't it great to just be here, and be at church!"  I remember a time I felt that same way.  But.... you guys... I LOVE church now.  I love participating in church!  I love the lessons and I love hearing heart felt testimonies of those who have come to know their Savior.  I get home and always want to talk about it with my roommates!  Luckily I have pretty great roommates who like that too.

I've seen SO many changes in myself.  I'm getting social.  I'm reaching out and trying to make friends.  I'm working hard and doing what I can to magnify my callings.  I say what I want to say when I want to say it (mostly) and I'm not afraid to ask for things like I use to.  A couple of my roommates have begun to hope I'm around in certain situations because they know I"ll say things they're even afraid to say.  What????  That's never been the case before!!!  Who am I???  I'll tell you who I am....

I am me.  :)  And I like being me.  Well.... I do today.  :)  (you know how it is)

Happy Valentines Day... to me.  Here's to loving myself.  Here's to loving a beautiful, only one of a kind, creation of God (thanks Heavenly Father).  A creation in which finite details were taken into careful consideration over the course of nearly 28 years and even long before that.  The Lord knew what He was doing.  He gave me unique gifts and talents and abilities and magnifying those gifts talents and abilities, even my personality, is SO fulfilling and rewarding.  Who knew.  Who knew!

I catch myself in consistent regular worry and shame and fear still, and know the Lord isn't finished with me yet.  I still dwell on awful grudges and memories and negativity which at times I feel desperate to be rid of.  Takes time and work, and I'll get there.  I still have weaknesses, though weaknesses never go away completely.  Just because God said he'll make our weaknesses strong unto us doesn't mean they go away.  But perhaps it means we'll learn to use them to our advantage.  :)  Weaknesses allow us to recognize our need for a Savior.  They allow us to connect to other humans.  They allow us to receive help and comfort from others.  And realize we can't do this on our own!

Alrighty.  I don't even know what this post is about.  Going to bed.  Now.  Tired!

Happy Valentines Day!

Thank You Blogger Friends!!

Just wanted to check in real quick with my friends here.  I'm in the middle of a crazy huge project I procrastinated far too long and now it's biting me hard in the rear, with a wicked deadline, and very little time for much else except for when I'm making an exception to break away now and then, simply to remain sane.  Project must be finished around mid-March, so until then, I'll be a little absent.  But I'm doing okay!!!  I want my blog friends to know I love them and especially that I appreciate their time and comments and just taking the time to read.  And I'm sorry I haven't been following or keeping up as much as I'd like!  Keep blogging, I'm thinking of you, and I catch a post here and there when I can!  All of you are heroes in my eyes.  Many of you have inspired and taught me new things about myself and the Lord time and time again!  I'm grateful for you!!!

Blogging my recovery has been validating for me, to expose my experiences and find out I'm still accepted, I'm still me, and my value didn't go away even though I exposed some deep long kept secrets.  I'm learning to find self-validation in feeling and experiencing and expressing myself here.  Being able to self-validate is something my therapists have been telling me repeatedly ever since I began therapy that I need to work to develop.  It came up again in most recent session.  I've made excellent progress in my outside relations, by keeping boundaries, (though often times against my will) but I'm still feeling hurt and crazy inside, and having to painfully resist old behaviors again and again.  So now, he said, I need to remember the importance of another focus I have maybe forgotten about for a time.  My relationship with myself.  To become self-validating.  To love myself.  To be kind to myself.  To treat myself, and show myself my feelings matter to me and that that alone can be good enough.  To fill my own holes so my need for others (to control others words and behavior to make my life feel at peace) will end.  I know a relationship with the Savior is key to this, and the whole time he spoke I kept thinking about the 12 steps.  And how much Step 4 will help (I'm still just beginning Step 4 but haven't had the time to devote  to it that I'd like).  My therapist taught me that there is one place I can be dependent upon, and need to be dependent upon in order to be healthy.  And that is the Savior.

So while I'm learning to express myself here, and asking the Lord to help with that effort, and learning self-validation here in my blog, sometimes writing things and letting the simple act of writing be good enough......  I have been largely blessed with a lovely bonus anyway:  you.  Thanks for the friendship.  Thanks for the support.  Thanks for the comments.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for relating to me, and letting me know I'm not the only one.  Thanks for being my cheerleaders!  Thanks for encouraging and accepting me.  Thanks for writing your own journeys and sharing your truths and real lives and your fears and your faith and your triumphs and your testimonies in Jesus Christ in your own blogs.  Please don't stop.

Valentines Week!  Let's make it good.  Let's celebrate "love."  We have great reasons to love, and great reasons to receive love.

Love you!!!

To Be Human

To have flesh.  To live within walls called time.  To feel tired, to sense hunger, to shiver from cold.  To be injured, alone, uncertain, vulnerable.

Being human is hard.  The body, the physical element.  The veil.  Oh the veil.  Separated from the unseen and forgotten many many souls of angels who lovingly and watchfully surround me at all times.  Oh the veil!  I often look at my picture of Jesus and wonder what He would say.  What facial expressions I might see.  How His voice might sound.  But I can't know, not for a very long long time yet.  For this time, I must know other things of my current nature.  Pain.  Sorrow.  Darkness.  I must even know shame.  For this time I must fight the good fight and choose to claim victory, coming out conqueror as I take upon myself the experiences of the world, and discover what true joy, freedom, and love really means.  Because I take upon myself the name of Christ.

I wish for love.  I wish for friendship, companionship, intimacy.  I wish for a family.  I wish for my own great adventure, full of color, majesty, grass stains, and repair work.  And sweetness.  And sunsets.  And various grand surprises, good and bad!  I wish to cease my goal to "survive," and begin a new life focused on thrive.  I wish for fear to flee, and faith to flourish.  I wish to make mistakes, lots of mistakes.  I wish to take risks, kill the comfort zone, break the barriers, and discover daily hidden treasures.  Hidden in my heart.  Hidden in the word of God.  Hidden in my past, present and future.  I wish to capture and contain treasures already revealed, and never let them escape.

I wish to hold the face of my Savior gently in each hand, to look in His eyes, and tell Him thank you.  One day.

Being human is hard.  But as a human myself, I have found the soothing balm of gilead is constantly available to borrow.  The armor of God is strong for suit.  The seeds of faith are ready to move mountains.  The iron rod stands firm and constant.  The living waters are flowing freely.  The bread of life remains an endless supply.  The Rock of salvation never crumbles nor shakes when we need a place of rest and reassurance.

Being human is a journey.  Both very hard, and exquisitely marvelous.