Tonight's Share by way of Blog

So I accidentally posted this entry in my OTHER, NOT-anonymous blog.  I deleted it right away of course, but I have over 50 ppl subscribed to that blog by email!  Over 50 ppl are gonna get a big surprise in their inbox tomorrow!!!!!  I'm freaking out a little bit.....  Well... oh well!  

Here's the post:

Yoooo!

I missed group.  And when I say "missed" I mean both definitions of the term, I'm sad I missed it, and certainly missed being there.  I've been attending every single week since I started going about 20 weeks go.  (which means I'm about 20 weeks sober....)  I have to say, I've had a chance to appreciate group a lot since I didn't go tonight and I missed two weeks ago.  I've been able to recognize how much group has truly helped.  In my conversations with my friends, with whom I usually stay quiet around and hold my opinions in, or when I try to share them I can't figure out what to say....... tonight we got into a discussion that felt quite like a group share.  And I opened my mouth and words came out.  Lots of them.  I didn't stop to analyze a whole lot, I just said what I thought and what I felt.  I didn't stop to wonder if I should or shouldn't say that because of what they might think.  It simply felt natural.  I felt empowered and I felt the spirit, and I felt joy in expressing my experience and feelings about the gospel in the midst of shame and expectations, etc, and what I've learned.  I had a similar moment with my own visiting teachers this past Tuesday.  I allowed myself a moment to express some things I've been going through and what I've learned from it, in a very similar way to a group share as well.  I worried about it afterwards though, and still wonder what they're thinking of me, or if I over shared, or if they'll forever see me as anxiety girl instead of who I really am.  Oh well.  I'm still glad I shared and it still felt really good.  The Lord has made so much out of me in these past few months!  I feel like a walking miracle already and I still have such a long way to go!!

Oh how I love my 12 Step Group.  Group is a place I can feel safe and express anything I want, and with the spirit, among friends who I know relate to me and understand which allows me to not worry about what they're thinking so much, and actually be able to focus on and discover what's inside of ME.  And it's a place to practice again and again and again.  Without that weekly time to share and listen and learn from other sisters like me, I really wonder if I'd have the ability right now.  I know the Lord is in this program.

You guuuuys, I know several people whose lives could turn completely around if they really took hold of this.  It's so hard for me to quietly know, and feel I can't share, because that would mean some crazy bold exposure!  Can't.  I'm not there yet.  Which I hate because I want them to know!!!  But then... just because you tell someone doesn't mean they're going to try it.  And just because they try it doesn't mean they're going to grasp it like I did and get what I'm getting from it.  It's all on them.

Fav quote of the week from my roommate on learning to let other people's problems remain their problems, and not ours:  "This is not my circus.  These are not my monkeys."  Isn't that GREAT??

So my friend and I were discussing how he doesn't like to go to church sometimes.  And how people who love church come off super annoying, because they show up and say, "Isn't it great to just be here, and be at church!"  I remember a time I felt that same way.  But.... you guys... I LOVE church now.  I love participating in church!  I love the lessons and I love hearing heart felt testimonies of those who have come to know their Savior.  I get home and always want to talk about it with my roommates!  Luckily I have pretty great roommates who like that too.

I've seen SO many changes in myself.  I'm getting social.  I'm reaching out and trying to make friends.  I'm working hard and doing what I can to magnify my callings.  I say what I want to say when I want to say it (mostly) and I'm not afraid to ask for things like I use to.  A couple of my roommates have begun to hope I'm around in certain situations because they know I"ll say things they're even afraid to say.  What????  That's never been the case before!!!  Who am I???  I'll tell you who I am....

I am me.  :)  And I like being me.  Well.... I do today.  :)  (you know how it is)

Happy Valentines Day... to me.  Here's to loving myself.  Here's to loving a beautiful, only one of a kind, creation of God (thanks Heavenly Father).  A creation in which finite details were taken into careful consideration over the course of nearly 28 years and even long before that.  The Lord knew what He was doing.  He gave me unique gifts and talents and abilities and magnifying those gifts talents and abilities, even my personality, is SO fulfilling and rewarding.  Who knew.  Who knew!

I catch myself in consistent regular worry and shame and fear still, and know the Lord isn't finished with me yet.  I still dwell on awful grudges and memories and negativity which at times I feel desperate to be rid of.  Takes time and work, and I'll get there.  I still have weaknesses, though weaknesses never go away completely.  Just because God said he'll make our weaknesses strong unto us doesn't mean they go away.  But perhaps it means we'll learn to use them to our advantage.  :)  Weaknesses allow us to recognize our need for a Savior.  They allow us to connect to other humans.  They allow us to receive help and comfort from others.  And realize we can't do this on our own!

Alrighty.  I don't even know what this post is about.  Going to bed.  Now.  Tired!

Happy Valentines Day!

Thank You Blogger Friends!!

Just wanted to check in real quick with my friends here.  I'm in the middle of a crazy huge project I procrastinated far too long and now it's biting me hard in the rear, with a wicked deadline, and very little time for much else except for when I'm making an exception to break away now and then, simply to remain sane.  Project must be finished around mid-March, so until then, I'll be a little absent.  But I'm doing okay!!!  I want my blog friends to know I love them and especially that I appreciate their time and comments and just taking the time to read.  And I'm sorry I haven't been following or keeping up as much as I'd like!  Keep blogging, I'm thinking of you, and I catch a post here and there when I can!  All of you are heroes in my eyes.  Many of you have inspired and taught me new things about myself and the Lord time and time again!  I'm grateful for you!!!

Blogging my recovery has been validating for me, to expose my experiences and find out I'm still accepted, I'm still me, and my value didn't go away even though I exposed some deep long kept secrets.  I'm learning to find self-validation in feeling and experiencing and expressing myself here.  Being able to self-validate is something my therapists have been telling me repeatedly ever since I began therapy that I need to work to develop.  It came up again in most recent session.  I've made excellent progress in my outside relations, by keeping boundaries, (though often times against my will) but I'm still feeling hurt and crazy inside, and having to painfully resist old behaviors again and again.  So now, he said, I need to remember the importance of another focus I have maybe forgotten about for a time.  My relationship with myself.  To become self-validating.  To love myself.  To be kind to myself.  To treat myself, and show myself my feelings matter to me and that that alone can be good enough.  To fill my own holes so my need for others (to control others words and behavior to make my life feel at peace) will end.  I know a relationship with the Savior is key to this, and the whole time he spoke I kept thinking about the 12 steps.  And how much Step 4 will help (I'm still just beginning Step 4 but haven't had the time to devote  to it that I'd like).  My therapist taught me that there is one place I can be dependent upon, and need to be dependent upon in order to be healthy.  And that is the Savior.

So while I'm learning to express myself here, and asking the Lord to help with that effort, and learning self-validation here in my blog, sometimes writing things and letting the simple act of writing be good enough......  I have been largely blessed with a lovely bonus anyway:  you.  Thanks for the friendship.  Thanks for the support.  Thanks for the comments.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for relating to me, and letting me know I'm not the only one.  Thanks for being my cheerleaders!  Thanks for encouraging and accepting me.  Thanks for writing your own journeys and sharing your truths and real lives and your fears and your faith and your triumphs and your testimonies in Jesus Christ in your own blogs.  Please don't stop.

Valentines Week!  Let's make it good.  Let's celebrate "love."  We have great reasons to love, and great reasons to receive love.

Love you!!!

To Be Human

To have flesh.  To live within walls called time.  To feel tired, to sense hunger, to shiver from cold.  To be injured, alone, uncertain, vulnerable.

Being human is hard.  The body, the physical element.  The veil.  Oh the veil.  Separated from the unseen and forgotten many many souls of angels who lovingly and watchfully surround me at all times.  Oh the veil!  I often look at my picture of Jesus and wonder what He would say.  What facial expressions I might see.  How His voice might sound.  But I can't know, not for a very long long time yet.  For this time, I must know other things of my current nature.  Pain.  Sorrow.  Darkness.  I must even know shame.  For this time I must fight the good fight and choose to claim victory, coming out conqueror as I take upon myself the experiences of the world, and discover what true joy, freedom, and love really means.  Because I take upon myself the name of Christ.

I wish for love.  I wish for friendship, companionship, intimacy.  I wish for a family.  I wish for my own great adventure, full of color, majesty, grass stains, and repair work.  And sweetness.  And sunsets.  And various grand surprises, good and bad!  I wish to cease my goal to "survive," and begin a new life focused on thrive.  I wish for fear to flee, and faith to flourish.  I wish to make mistakes, lots of mistakes.  I wish to take risks, kill the comfort zone, break the barriers, and discover daily hidden treasures.  Hidden in my heart.  Hidden in the word of God.  Hidden in my past, present and future.  I wish to capture and contain treasures already revealed, and never let them escape.

I wish to hold the face of my Savior gently in each hand, to look in His eyes, and tell Him thank you.  One day.

Being human is hard.  But as a human myself, I have found the soothing balm of gilead is constantly available to borrow.  The armor of God is strong for suit.  The seeds of faith are ready to move mountains.  The iron rod stands firm and constant.  The living waters are flowing freely.  The bread of life remains an endless supply.  The Rock of salvation never crumbles nor shakes when we need a place of rest and reassurance.

Being human is a journey.  Both very hard, and exquisitely marvelous.

Codependent Relapse

Oh.  My.  Gosh.  I'm so sick of feeling so crazy.

First... I want to express a qualm.
Which I have.  Which I am going to express.  Because I have opinions.  Check THAT out - a year ago I don't think I would feel so comfortable even going there!  Forming opinions for one, AND expressing them without shame especially.

Qualm:  So there are the "addicts" and there are "loved ones of addicts."  Loved ones of addicts are also often referred to as the "codependents."  But.... aren't we like... all the same?  I hate separating the two.  I hate talking about them like they're different.  I've been full blown codependent since I can remember (now that I know what it means), and picked up a few ways to cope along the way, and those coping mechanisms then labeled me "addict."  I'm the loved one.  And I'm the addict.  And from what I hear, every addict struggles with codependency.  I've spoken with "loved ones of addicts" who also have a quiet history of sexual addiction.  And besides ... codependency IS an addiction.

Does anyone else ever think about that?  Or is it just me?

All it all, it doesn't really matter because we're all working the same program and on the same track and have the same goals and finding ourselves and finding joy through finding Jesus Christ.

But I know for me, I need to focus on recovery from codependency as much or more than my sexual addiction.

Anywho.

The Relapse:
I've detoxed from a couple people a few months ago which was grounds of hell at the time.  But since then I've been much better with these friends!  Much more peaceful and less obsessive and jealous.  Well... I thought so anyway.

This past week a previously unhealthy/newly healthy/currently unknown status of healthy attachment (aka best friend) started avoiding me, not responding to my texts or emails, and quickly dismissed me in person with shallow excuses when I'd try to simply chat as friends do, yet continuing to spend time with our other friends.  I think I'm normal in that I felt hurt and confused.  But the intensity wasn't normal.  Finally I asked if I did something wrong, I asked for clarity, and if I was overanalyzing and assuming irrationally, or if I was actually picking up weird vibes.  The response: "I just can't handle any one on one time right now, I can't handle other people's issues right now."  Where did my mind go?  ... Do I share this?  I'll share a bit...

"Am I that scary?  That awful?  Am I a monster!?  You don't feel safe being alone with me???  So much that you have to hide and avoid and ignore me like this?"

And then the anxiety begins.... yay.
(Remember, the top three characteristics of anxiety are overanalyzing, black and white thinking, and avoiding)

"So I guess she doesn't want to be friends anymore."
"So I guess I'm too dangerous for her, and we can never talk again.  I was too much."
"So I guess this means I'm not good enough for anyone!  I can't share who I really am with anyone!  I will have to wear the mask forever or else I'll always face rejection!"
"I'll never date again, because I'll ruin any marriage because I'll be too much.  Too overbearing.  Too attached.  Too clingy.  Too dependent.  Too needy.  Too demanding.  I hold too many expectations.  I'll never be able to stop wanting to punish people with my silent treatments and revenge tactics for ridiculous things."
"When she wants to talk to me, I'll tell her she can't, because I'm not good for her to talk to.  I'll just get attached.  And mad.  And I'll tell her I need to find better friends who can handle me."
"If she's having a hard time, and doesn't feel like she can come to me and talk, and instead feels the need to shut me away,... then that means I'm a bad person."
"Maybe I should move away."
"Maybe I should stay at the school from morning til midnight every day now so our paths can never cross."

(um... does anyone else detect the codependency in all that.... relying wholly on another's actions/feelings/words/behaviors to decide how I feel about and see myself and my life, and needing desperately to be needed in order to feel at peace... ETC)

My heart is pounding as I'm writing this... I still struggle with those thoughts.

My anxiety was SO bad, when she walked into a room or even a room next to me, or if I anticipated her coming my way, my heart would pound, I'd feel sick, light headed, and struggle to breathe.  THAT is how dependent I am on another person to feel at peace.  That's not normal.

Again.  I'm so sick of feeling so crazy.

I prayed and prayed.  I had gone to the temple.  I read some scriptures.  I even took what I read and tried to form a letter I felt Heavenly Father would want to write me, which felt nice.  Personal revelation.  I cried and cried and cried, and gave myself permission to feel.  I did what I could to keep myself away from the dark corners of depression.  To listen to uplifting music.  I didn't give in to any unhealthy ways of coping as much as I reeeally wanted to.

As Elder Wirthlin said, "Sunday will come."  And it did.

Tender Mercies
Sunday I received tender mercy after tender mercy after tender mercy.  Monday was the same.  Today is Tuesday.  I still haven't really seen this friend (roommate) face to face since Saturday, due to blessed (not coincidence, nope) circumstances of both happening to have stuff going on in different places.  Giving me time to heal, detach, refocus, remember what's important, reconnect with other people, have new experiences that bring me joy in groups of people who care about me, remind myself life goes on without this individual, and be able to think less harshly, less "black and white"/drastic, and especially connect with myself, my life, my wants and needs, and Heavenly Father.  I've been able to see things from her perspective, and recognize she's just having a hard time and is trying to set boundaries for herself, and whether that is healthy for her or not, I can let that be her problem to solve, not mine to fix. (trying to see things that way anyway)  Haven't made it past the avoidance stage yet... so it's not over.  But... at least there is peace.  For the most part.

P.S.  I just read this post from blog "His Prob is Not My Prob" titled "What is Wrong with Me?!" and it was AWESOME.   http://myhealingisaboutme.blogspot.com/2013/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.html

Let Him?

Last night I texted my sponsor "You won't be hearing from me much for the next little while." Because I will be SO busy, I decided recovery would just have to take a back seat.  In my mind I was just going to put it on pause in a way.  I figured I'd keep up the little things that matter (prayer and scripture study of course) and devote Sundays to working on Step 4 - which isn't a bad plan.  There was more going on that also wasn't good though.  I was reading through some blog posts this morning from a few of you other bloggers (cuz I haven't for a little while)... and stopped to ponder on "Let Us Let Him."

I looked back on my life when I felt most disconnected... and realized I have a certain mentality that probably needs to change.  Basically, when really major important things come up (which has usually been tragedies in the lives of someone close to me, or even when school and life have become very demanding, etc), I take a back seat in life and tell myself my needs don't matter and don't exist until this is over.  ...haha.  Funny now.  As I read Sidreis's paragraph, (my favorite part of her post):

He will sit with us, nurture us, guide us, care for us, bandage us, tend to us, minister unto us, teach us, counsel us, love us, lead us, heal us and cleanse us.  He will do this continuously as long as we will have Him.  And He will never ever leave us.

I heard my mind at first discount every part of it, saying 'I don't have time to have this right now.  I have to do other things.... but later!'  Then by the end of reading the paragraph I was like, "But ...I want that.  I want Him.  I need this.  I need Him."  I just sat there, and pondered.  Next I was like, "How could I have thought that I could let my heart take a break from Christ?"  (Duh)

In my mind, I planned to use whatever power and miracles and spirit I could muster and direct it toward everything "on my plate," but anything else, including feelings or wants or needs or mercy or love or consideration of the worth of my own soul.... in my mind, didn't exist anymore.  And I can look back and see when my mind had worked this way so many times before.

I don't know if this makes sense...  But there it is!

Stressed. I. Am.

(Sunday)

Streeeeessssss.

I'm still learning to navigate around stress and responsibility in healthy manners.  School started.  So did anxiety.  

I have a contract to finish a huge project for an important company in less than 2 months.  I committed to feed 14 people dinner Wed night.  I need to do my visiting teaching.  I avoided contact with my VT girls at church today because I feel overwhelmed, and when I feel overwhelmed I feel like I'm bad for feeling that way.  And when I feel overwhelmed and not good, I continue to wear a smile and do what I can to work hard... and suddenly I'm triggering and crying and jealous of other people and before I know it I have a hundred reasons why I'm a bad roommate, friend, family member, and I say to myself "see that's why I don't have a calling," and I can't talk to cute boys because I'm SO not good enough for them anyway and then I get mad at myself for having thought I had a chance before, but they talk to me and I talk back like all is great, and I feel like a fake pretend good-girl-wanna-be.  I carry on the typical conversations, I listen and laugh while inside I'm like, "If you really knew my thoughts on that... if you really knew my experience with that... if you really knew my story on that one..." "except that I would never actually say that to you" ...and then my roommates come home from having dinner with their really great (truly really great) families, and my other roommates say "Yeah me too... this is how my family is... etc etc etc" but the only thing I say is, "...."  Until I crack a joke, make 'em laugh, change the subject, and go to my room.  I've cried like 6 times in the past 2 days but nobody knows.  However... I'm celebrating the fact that I can cry.  So way better than numb and depressed.  And that I'm still praying.  And I worked my step 4 some today.  And.... I'm blogging about it!  And I did get a lot out of church today.  Even though I had SO much I wanted to share but didn't feel... hm... brave enough I guess, to share what I had to say.   And afraid of what people would think, and afraid because I don't know how much to share/not share.  I guess practice is the only way to go.  Step 4 today was hard.  I wrote down how I can use my Christ-like attributes for good... and now I want to delete it all because I totally didn't use the "super powers" I thought I had in my most recent interaction.  Was it wishful thinking?

Right now, I'm just feeling tired of the mask.  I can get over all the rest and recognize Satan's part.  Being real (aka honest) is the trick.  I've had my roommates convinced I'm "doing so much better," that now I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but "happy and fine."  I set an expectation for myself and feel shame for being or feeling anything else.  I feel trapped.  Why do I do this to myself, lol.

But I know better.  I will let myself cry.  I'll let myself feel.  I'll thank Heavenly Father that I can.  And while I'm pretending for others, I can at least be real with Him until I find courage to share my "innerds" outwardly.  

I wish I could believe that sharing what's real inside me is healthy instead of bad.  I'll keep working on it.

This is probably the most open I've been on my blog IN the moment.  Good job, dust.

I know things will be okay soon.  I know my Savior understands this feeling.  All of the above.  I know He won't leave or consider me a failure or less than.  Believing what I know, however, is a struggle, but knowing is what keeps me pressing forward.  

And I am committed to pressing forward.

Try again tomorrow.

Good night! 

(Monday)

Either Satan or Heavenly Father doesn't want this published here.  My computer and our internet freaked out everytime I tried to publish this last night after I wrote it, and only when I tried to publish.  At first I said, "Okay guess I was right... Heavenly Father wants me to keep this inside like usual and figure out a way to be good."  Then I thought about it... and decided it was actually the adversary working against me.  

Today I went to my first institute class.  I raised my hand a couple times and shared a couple thoughts, and even brought up addiction.  I was feeling anxious about it until 10 minutes later another student brought up what I said and related to it.  Cool.

Back to work with me.

Shame, "I've always been this way," and Arms

So a few weeks ago I asked permission from one of my best groupie friends (One Heart Humbled) to share some thoughts I collected from a conversation we had at her house that night.  By the way, connecting with group friends in real life (outside of group) is really nice.  I recommend it.


Discouraged, she said, "I don't know how to get rid of this addiction.  I feel like it's like my arm.  How do I live without my arm, it's the only way I've ever known!  I've had my arm my entire life.  I need my arm to function."  (Ya know that moment when you say a word too many times, and it begins to sound strange?  Isn't "ARM" a weird word???.......arm.........)

So the sad thing is... I can't remember what I had to say about that!  Originally I had something REALLY cool to blog about arms!!!  Sigh.  Oh well.  However, . . . I do remember the sorrow in her voice, and the discouragement on her face.  The love I felt.  I also remember remembering when I had spoken and felt the exact same way.  I don't know if my friend felt this exactly, but I remember a time sitting in my room day after day, refusing to talk to anyone, because I didn't know how to behave or think or feel anything different than a codependent obsessive broken addicted ugly monster, thinking I'll never change, I've always always been this way.  How does one rewire 27 years of dysfunctional thinking and behavior??  I felt too ugly and broken and embarrassed to share how awful I felt inside, so how could I ever reach out?  Attempts to reach brought such horrid feelings of anxiety and "guilt."  (I didn't know about the word "shame" yet)  I was already hurting people, I felt like I would ruin anything or person I touched, and I wanted to die.  My therapist at the time didn't know I had a sexual addiction, and to be honest neither did I.

A few months ago, I'd become aware of my sexual addiction (thanks to Sidreis posting her story), and decided to tell my brand new therapist about my long lived bad habit.  I did NOT expect his response.  "Oh, that changes things.  That changes a lot actually, and makes perfect sense.  It explains a lot."  I wondered, what things?  What is different?  What could this possibly explain?  He announced that his treatment plan was changing, and our next whole session would be spent discussing shame.

"So this whole addiction thing has to do with my anxiety and depression?"

"Yes, it does.  Because it causes you to feel like there is something to hide.  Like you are bad.  Like you are two people.  Like saying, 'I'm one person when nobody is watching, and a totally different person when I'm around people.'  Like you're living a double life."

Our next session was a big eye opener.  He began with a story I'll never forget:

Two brothers, 16 and 18, were left home to tend the house and finish high school while Mom and Dad accepted a call to be Mission Presidents far away.  One day little bro walked in on big bro looking at pornography.  Not only pornography, but gay pornography.  "...Yeah...," he said, "I'm addicted to this.  And I'm gay.  I'm sorry."  A while later, big bro catches little bro looking at pornography.  Also gay pornography.  "Yes," he said, "I actually have this problem too.  And I'm also gay.  I'm sorry.  Don't tell anyone."  The stigma against pornography and same sex attraction is so harsh, and their parents being on a mission, they felt there was nothing they could do.  Eventually big bro said to little bro, "I can't live with this anymore, it's killing me."  Little bro responded, "You're not leaving me here alone."  So they both got in a truck, drove off a cliff, and died.

Heart breaking.  But we get it, don't we.  My therapist wrote on the board:

SHAME = DEATH X 3

He explained, "Shame, if left untreated, is fatal, leading to three types of death.
~Spiritual Death (we call Apostasy)
~Emotional Death (we call Mental Breakdown), and/or
~Physical Death (we call Suicide)"

Wow.  Right?  But, it makes perfect sense.

"Satan has certain tools," he went on, "Satan knows that if he can put a wedge between us and the Savior, the only source of true healing, it's over.  And his best tool/wedge is shame.  All he has to do, is get us to BELIEVE that we're bad.  He gets us to say, I AM a mistake."

He expounded upon the story of Adam and Even in the garden with Satan, of young Joseph Smith in the grove, and more, reminding me that not a single person or even prophet of God that lived could ever cast Satan away on their own, without calling upon Jesus Christ.

Neither can we.

He helped me see I'm not bad nor was I ever.  I was simply hurting and found a way to soothe.  He taught me that usually women turn to this as a comfort and soothing tactic, and men usually use it as a way to deal with stress and problems.  He wanted me to understand I'm not looking to do something bad.  I'm simply looking to soothe.  Though this type of soothing is addictive and will harm me deeply, which is why God has asked us so strongly to abstain-for our protection.  Soothing found in our Savior is the only way to truly heal.

We talked a while.  He sent a helpful print-out home with me, which I review on occasion.  I want to share it with you!

The Dangerous Tool of Shame
"And the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed" (2 Nephi 6:13) 

SHAME" 

I am bad/flawed"

• Embarrassed
• Fear
• Hide
• Distance
• Lonely/Isolated
• Anxiety/Depression
• Worthlessness
• Self-Medication  (addiction!)
• Hopelessness
• Death X3 (spiritual, emotional, physical) 

GODLY SORROW 

"I made a mistake"

• Regret/Remorse
• Humility
• Courage
• Repentance
• Change
• New Commitments
• Hope
• Personal Value
• Increased Intimacy
• Peace with God 

Jesus says to you and me: 

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."    

(John 14:18, 27)

Now that the shame tool has been exposed to me, I know to fight it!  And I'm still fighting, which is a post for another time.

So if anyone has thoughts on the "arm" inquisition for Humbled Heart and me, please comment!

.......Arm.......