Shameless Saturday Hike

Yesterday I went on a hike with some of my singles ward.  I'm athletic and love hiking, and I'm never the last person. But, I stayed up by the waterfalls longer with 3 other people and by the time we came back where the others were gathered, we realized they had started back already on the trail to our cars. So we quickly started back. The guy I was with took the lead at high speed, and the other two girls and myself were panting and sweating and trying to keep up, making him stop for breathers every 7 minutes or so. Not fun. I felt exhausted and dreaded knowing I still had a long hike back. I hadn't slept well, I was hot and hungry, and I couldn't keep up without feeling knives in my sides and panting like a dog.  So guess what I did?

I realized there was no rule that said I had to keep up with the other three. I realized I could slow down to my own comfortable pace, and actually enjoy my hike.  So, I slowed down and let the rest jet ahead of me, which they continued to do. In a couple minutes I couldn't see them anymore. I didn't even care they left me behind, because I decided to enjoy nature for just me, and my soul.  My joy didn't depend on their actions, or my efforts to fit in.  Journal! I let go of worrying about what others would think of me! Instead I listened to my feelings, and gave myself what I wanted and needed, and I let that hold importance.  I felt incredible.

I took time to look at the trees and scenery, I enjoyed my steps through the dirt trail, noticing flowers and plants, picking leaves and feeling their textures. I never would have done this before. I wouldn't have even seen it as an option.

About 15 minutes later I caught up with my friend and the other girls because they stopped and waited for me. Once I reached them, he took off again, fast as before, and I remained at my same delightful pace. No. Shame. :) He finally turned around and decided to hike behind me. He asked gently, "Don't like to hike fast?"

I simply stated, "I just decided I'd rather enjoy my hike than spend it just trying to catch my breath."  (Yep, I SAID that. . . . *giggle*)

"Oh, okay," was his reply.  Foot steps thump in the dirt.  "They'll probably wait for us.  Right?"

"They better." 

Okay yeah, I had realized our rides would be at the bottom waiting even longer for us. Of course that crossed my mind as I analyzed before slowing down. Where did my actual responsibilities belong in this situation? Nobody told me how long they wanted to stay, or what time they wanted to leave. My ride didn't come tell me that they were headed back and would like to leave soon and would like me to come sooner than later. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't stay up there an unusual amount of time - we thought our ward was still on the ridge below us the whole time we were up by the falls, but it turned to be another group. And they wouldn't actually have to wait THAT much longer for us. Maybe 20 minutes at most, so I'm not being inconsiderate by slowing down just a little bit. Right? :)

Lots of analyzing and anxiety.  That's part of what I deal with right now and I'm working with it.  Learning lots.  So, that was a very big moment for me where I saw a major change in myself for the healthier and happier. Thanks Heavenly Father.

Pigeon Holes

I am not an addict.  I struggle with addiction.
I am not a lesbian.  I struggle with a lack of feelings for or interest in the opposite gender.
I am not codependent.  I struggle with codependency.
I am not forgetful air-headed ditzy oblivious or light-minded.  I have a lot on my mind and struggle keeping organized and I struggle with forgetfulness.
I'm not lazy.  I struggle with a lack of confidence in myself and others.

This could be a blog about same gender attraction.  Or about codependency.  Or about 12 steps.  Or about losing a mother to mental illness or about sexual addiction or about regularly locking keys in one's car or anxiety or depression.

I want to be clear with myself, with God, and others.  Mostly myself right now.

I am a person.  I am a child a God.  I am a temporarily fallen divine being saved eternally by grace according to my works.

This is no longer an addiction blog.  This is a blog about overcoming the natural man through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and what that looks like for me.  I will pretty much be sharing the same stuff.  When I share.  If I share.

I'm also on this new kick of avoiding things I feel like I "should" do (it's kind of a problem).  I will only blog when I want to.  Which could be months between posts.

I may or may not read your blog.  I may or may not comment.
I have no expectation for you to read my blog or comment.
Of course, comments are welcome - I'm just killing the expectation.  I hate expectations.  Hate them.  I struggle with them, and they make me miserable.

I have no intentions of blogging for anyone else, nor do I expect anyone else to blog for me.

Haha... yeah... I know.  I'm being defensive due to imagined opposition imposed by the adversary.  I obviously have been stirring several lots of many issues around my brain concerning blogging.  I love blogging and it's been a great outlet for me.  I've also learned a whole lot from others.  But in my mind, I feel extremely . . .  what's a good word . . . unsettled?  About it.  I feel I've been pigeon holed as SOMETHING and I hate it.  Because I'm not a sex addict or codependent or anything else, and I don't care to blog from the idea that I am.  I realize that others may not read my blog thinking "this is a sex addict blog" and I realize that idea and fear has been imposed by myself and I'm keeping myself from progressing  blogging because of that fear.  I understand that.  This post is a step in working through that, because I would like to blog more and feel safe in doing so.  So.  There it is.

Bed time.  Good night.

Shmubble Shmoo

If you clicked on this link because of the silly title name, you fell for it!!  Ba ha haaa

Just wanted to say hi!

Who loved Conference?  Me!

Guess what I learned?



Love God

Love others

Love myself

Love

Love

Love

The gospel is love

Jesus Christ loved

Jesus Christ loves

Jesus loves me

I love Jesus



I love going to bed!!!  Good night!!

Mental Break Down II

Gonna cut to the chase:

Right after the holidays, I have re-acquired all the worst symptoms I've ever experienced of anxiety (2 years ago), and it's not going away.  It's been a few weeks now and my body still hasn't calmed down.  It's a bit different this time though - now I have this brain-shaking / body-shaking thing (internal... you can't see it but I always feel it) that doesn't stop.  I'm dropping lbs faster this time too - I haven't weighed this little since before high school.  Always nauseous.  I'm pretty sick, and I finally gave in to the medicine thing (I have issues with anti-depressants cuz they permanently messed up my Mom when I was a teen).  But!!  I didn't know before I started taking them that they made all symptoms worse for 2-3 weeks before they get better (so excited about the getting better part).  I tell ya what, wow.  This is QUITE the ride.  Not quite like Space Mountain.

I thought I knew so much about anxiety by now, after all the therapy and reading, but I just re-researched a few things and have realized stuff I'm doing that is making it worse, some stuff I'm doing better this time, and some stuff I didn't know before ... or just forgot about.  So I'm making notes and goals for myself!  

1 - DON'T MOPE - Anxiety makes you think you need alone time to veg and try to feel better, but it actually makes it worse.

I am so far succeeding here mostly.  I've stayed with people as much as possible and noticed a significant difference in how I feel (way less pukey) when I surround myself with people that bring me joy.  I almost skipped church Sunday - so afraid of fainting or hyperventilating or barfing in front of everyone - but I went, and during the first hour I suddenly had a slight appetite!  I was able to sit through all three hours and came home feeling less awful.  Also, I have not spent a single evening in my room avoiding people.  Last time I was always, always in there.  I have kept myself with people as much as possible.  (so proud - go me)

2 - EXERCISE 

...Yeah, gonna work on that one...  wait is that spelled right?  Exersize?  Excercize.... meh

3 - BREATHING

Okay.  I never bought into this.  This never helped me and I tried lots of times.  But tonight I read something and realized I was doing it wrong.  (sheesh)  This time, I learned that while I slow my breathing down, the point is to do my best to resist taking a deep breath or cough while doing it.  I always took lots of deep breaths lol.  

4 - SENSORY STIMULATION

Keep your senses distracted with positive things - take your mind off your anxiety.  Funny TV Shows (avoid drama or horror... which is funny cuz last break down, I mostly watched drama), upbeat music, playing piano, etc.  Get your mind off all the thinking thinking thinking, especially thinking about focusing on anxiety cuz that makes it wooooorrrse - anxiety means your mind is your worst enemy.  Stimulate the senses!  Makes future anxiety less, and easier to cope with because the mind is in a better place.

****Oh, and I read that one of the worst things you can do for anxiety is google your symptoms and trying to figure out what is wrong with you (thyroid?  Vitamin deficiency?  Stomach cancer?  Allergic reactions?  Heart problems???).  Put it aside, realize anxiety makes you extra aware of your body and afraid of dying, see a Dr if it'll make you feel better, but doing this is what gave me most of my panic attacks this past week.

5 - ACCEPT ANXIETY 

I hate this one the most.  How do you make yourself accept something?  Yep, this'll take me some time and practice.  Basically fighting anxiety makes it worse.  Trying not to have anxiety creates shame and stress and pressure on ourselves to rid ourselves of the same stress and pressure.  Doesn't really work, and actually creates more anxiety.  Awesome huh?  

6 - JOURNALING

Gives the brain an excuse to not have to keep thinking about whatever it's thinking about, if it gets put down on paper.  I keep a sticky note pad next to my desk at work.  Once I write it down, my mind can move on to the next thing, then the next, and the next, til it's all out.  Then I can just focus on what I'm doing a little easier.  Also... this is why I'm blogging tonight.  For me, and the sake of journaling.

SO.

Number 5 has been my main culprit.  And a lack of number 4 (I spend way too much time focusing on anxiety and it just makes it worse).  But seriously, acceptance??  But I don't want to be back in this place again!  I don't want to be on medicine.  I don't want this to be happening, I was doing so well.  After all the time and hard work!  Uuuugh.  

I.  Accept.  Anxiety.

I have anxiety.  It's back.

I'm sick.

I need help.

I need medicine and therapy.

I need healing and the Atonement (always).

It may stay a while.

(dang it... something I wrote (or thought?) is making anxiety worse again... wait, don't think about it... wait but don't fight it either.... wait what??  I don't know how to do this lol)

I am going to bed!

P.S.  The priesthood rocks.  Mark my words, I WILL have the life I desire for myself.  (but no pressure)