Shameless Saturday Hike

Yesterday I went on a hike with some of my singles ward.  I'm athletic and love hiking, and I'm never the last person. But, I stayed up by the waterfalls longer with 3 other people and by the time we came back where the others were gathered, we realized they had started back already on the trail to our cars. So we quickly started back. The guy I was with took the lead at high speed, and the other two girls and myself were panting and sweating and trying to keep up, making him stop for breathers every 7 minutes or so. Not fun. I felt exhausted and dreaded knowing I still had a long hike back. I hadn't slept well, I was hot and hungry, and I couldn't keep up without feeling knives in my sides and panting like a dog.  So guess what I did?

I realized there was no rule that said I had to keep up with the other three. I realized I could slow down to my own comfortable pace, and actually enjoy my hike.  So, I slowed down and let the rest jet ahead of me, which they continued to do. In a couple minutes I couldn't see them anymore. I didn't even care they left me behind, because I decided to enjoy nature for just me, and my soul.  My joy didn't depend on their actions, or my efforts to fit in.  Journal! I let go of worrying about what others would think of me! Instead I listened to my feelings, and gave myself what I wanted and needed, and I let that hold importance.  I felt incredible.

I took time to look at the trees and scenery, I enjoyed my steps through the dirt trail, noticing flowers and plants, picking leaves and feeling their textures. I never would have done this before. I wouldn't have even seen it as an option.

About 15 minutes later I caught up with my friend and the other girls because they stopped and waited for me. Once I reached them, he took off again, fast as before, and I remained at my same delightful pace. No. Shame. :) He finally turned around and decided to hike behind me. He asked gently, "Don't like to hike fast?"

I simply stated, "I just decided I'd rather enjoy my hike than spend it just trying to catch my breath."  (Yep, I SAID that. . . . *giggle*)

"Oh, okay," was his reply.  Foot steps thump in the dirt.  "They'll probably wait for us.  Right?"

"They better." 

Okay yeah, I had realized our rides would be at the bottom waiting even longer for us. Of course that crossed my mind as I analyzed before slowing down. Where did my actual responsibilities belong in this situation? Nobody told me how long they wanted to stay, or what time they wanted to leave. My ride didn't come tell me that they were headed back and would like to leave soon and would like me to come sooner than later. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't stay up there an unusual amount of time - we thought our ward was still on the ridge below us the whole time we were up by the falls, but it turned to be another group. And they wouldn't actually have to wait THAT much longer for us. Maybe 20 minutes at most, so I'm not being inconsiderate by slowing down just a little bit. Right? :)

Lots of analyzing and anxiety.  That's part of what I deal with right now and I'm working with it.  Learning lots.  So, that was a very big moment for me where I saw a major change in myself for the healthier and happier. Thanks Heavenly Father.

Pigeon Holes

I am not an addict.  I struggle with addiction.
I am not a lesbian.  I struggle with a lack of feelings for or interest in the opposite gender.
I am not codependent.  I struggle with codependency.
I am not forgetful air-headed ditzy oblivious or light-minded.  I have a lot on my mind and struggle keeping organized and I struggle with forgetfulness.
I'm not lazy.  I struggle with a lack of confidence in myself and others.

This could be a blog about same gender attraction.  Or about codependency.  Or about 12 steps.  Or about losing a mother to mental illness or about sexual addiction or about regularly locking keys in one's car or anxiety or depression.

I want to be clear with myself, with God, and others.  Mostly myself right now.

I am a person.  I am a child a God.  I am a temporarily fallen divine being saved eternally by grace according to my works.

This is no longer an addiction blog.  This is a blog about overcoming the natural man through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and what that looks like for me.  I will pretty much be sharing the same stuff.  When I share.  If I share.

I'm also on this new kick of avoiding things I feel like I "should" do (it's kind of a problem).  I will only blog when I want to.  Which could be months between posts.

I may or may not read your blog.  I may or may not comment.
I have no expectation for you to read my blog or comment.
Of course, comments are welcome - I'm just killing the expectation.  I hate expectations.  Hate them.  I struggle with them, and they make me miserable.

I have no intentions of blogging for anyone else, nor do I expect anyone else to blog for me.

Haha... yeah... I know.  I'm being defensive due to imagined opposition imposed by the adversary.  I obviously have been stirring several lots of many issues around my brain concerning blogging.  I love blogging and it's been a great outlet for me.  I've also learned a whole lot from others.  But in my mind, I feel extremely . . .  what's a good word . . . unsettled?  About it.  I feel I've been pigeon holed as SOMETHING and I hate it.  Because I'm not a sex addict or codependent or anything else, and I don't care to blog from the idea that I am.  I realize that others may not read my blog thinking "this is a sex addict blog" and I realize that idea and fear has been imposed by myself and I'm keeping myself from progressing  blogging because of that fear.  I understand that.  This post is a step in working through that, because I would like to blog more and feel safe in doing so.  So.  There it is.

Bed time.  Good night.

Shmubble Shmoo

If you clicked on this link because of the silly title name, you fell for it!!  Ba ha haaa

Just wanted to say hi!

Who loved Conference?  Me!

Guess what I learned?



Love God

Love others

Love myself

Love

Love

Love

The gospel is love

Jesus Christ loved

Jesus Christ loves

Jesus loves me

I love Jesus



I love going to bed!!!  Good night!!

Mental Break Down II

Gonna cut to the chase:

Right after the holidays, I have re-acquired all the worst symptoms I've ever experienced of anxiety (2 years ago), and it's not going away.  It's been a few weeks now and my body still hasn't calmed down.  It's a bit different this time though - now I have this brain-shaking / body-shaking thing (internal... you can't see it but I always feel it) that doesn't stop.  I'm dropping lbs faster this time too - I haven't weighed this little since before high school.  Always nauseous.  I'm pretty sick, and I finally gave in to the medicine thing (I have issues with anti-depressants cuz they permanently messed up my Mom when I was a teen).  But!!  I didn't know before I started taking them that they made all symptoms worse for 2-3 weeks before they get better (so excited about the getting better part).  I tell ya what, wow.  This is QUITE the ride.  Not quite like Space Mountain.

I thought I knew so much about anxiety by now, after all the therapy and reading, but I just re-researched a few things and have realized stuff I'm doing that is making it worse, some stuff I'm doing better this time, and some stuff I didn't know before ... or just forgot about.  So I'm making notes and goals for myself!  

1 - DON'T MOPE - Anxiety makes you think you need alone time to veg and try to feel better, but it actually makes it worse.

I am so far succeeding here mostly.  I've stayed with people as much as possible and noticed a significant difference in how I feel (way less pukey) when I surround myself with people that bring me joy.  I almost skipped church Sunday - so afraid of fainting or hyperventilating or barfing in front of everyone - but I went, and during the first hour I suddenly had a slight appetite!  I was able to sit through all three hours and came home feeling less awful.  Also, I have not spent a single evening in my room avoiding people.  Last time I was always, always in there.  I have kept myself with people as much as possible.  (so proud - go me)

2 - EXERCISE 

...Yeah, gonna work on that one...  wait is that spelled right?  Exersize?  Excercize.... meh

3 - BREATHING

Okay.  I never bought into this.  This never helped me and I tried lots of times.  But tonight I read something and realized I was doing it wrong.  (sheesh)  This time, I learned that while I slow my breathing down, the point is to do my best to resist taking a deep breath or cough while doing it.  I always took lots of deep breaths lol.  

4 - SENSORY STIMULATION

Keep your senses distracted with positive things - take your mind off your anxiety.  Funny TV Shows (avoid drama or horror... which is funny cuz last break down, I mostly watched drama), upbeat music, playing piano, etc.  Get your mind off all the thinking thinking thinking, especially thinking about focusing on anxiety cuz that makes it wooooorrrse - anxiety means your mind is your worst enemy.  Stimulate the senses!  Makes future anxiety less, and easier to cope with because the mind is in a better place.

****Oh, and I read that one of the worst things you can do for anxiety is google your symptoms and trying to figure out what is wrong with you (thyroid?  Vitamin deficiency?  Stomach cancer?  Allergic reactions?  Heart problems???).  Put it aside, realize anxiety makes you extra aware of your body and afraid of dying, see a Dr if it'll make you feel better, but doing this is what gave me most of my panic attacks this past week.

5 - ACCEPT ANXIETY 

I hate this one the most.  How do you make yourself accept something?  Yep, this'll take me some time and practice.  Basically fighting anxiety makes it worse.  Trying not to have anxiety creates shame and stress and pressure on ourselves to rid ourselves of the same stress and pressure.  Doesn't really work, and actually creates more anxiety.  Awesome huh?  

6 - JOURNALING

Gives the brain an excuse to not have to keep thinking about whatever it's thinking about, if it gets put down on paper.  I keep a sticky note pad next to my desk at work.  Once I write it down, my mind can move on to the next thing, then the next, and the next, til it's all out.  Then I can just focus on what I'm doing a little easier.  Also... this is why I'm blogging tonight.  For me, and the sake of journaling.

SO.

Number 5 has been my main culprit.  And a lack of number 4 (I spend way too much time focusing on anxiety and it just makes it worse).  But seriously, acceptance??  But I don't want to be back in this place again!  I don't want to be on medicine.  I don't want this to be happening, I was doing so well.  After all the time and hard work!  Uuuugh.  

I.  Accept.  Anxiety.

I have anxiety.  It's back.

I'm sick.

I need help.

I need medicine and therapy.

I need healing and the Atonement (always).

It may stay a while.

(dang it... something I wrote (or thought?) is making anxiety worse again... wait, don't think about it... wait but don't fight it either.... wait what??  I don't know how to do this lol)

I am going to bed!

P.S.  The priesthood rocks.  Mark my words, I WILL have the life I desire for myself.  (but no pressure)

Dating Dating So Much Dating

Hi!

I always say I wish I blogged on a good day.  So here I am!

First of all, I'm gonna drop a little bomb ... I struggle with what is known as Same Gender Attraction.  I say "what is known as" because I can't say I'm currently being attracted to the same gender.  I've worked hard to process that, find healing, and that has calmed down a lot.  But.  I still don't feel attracted to the opposite gender.  I've never felt attracted to men.  That's an entire post for another time.  Anyway, about dating.

Both my therapists have urged me to date at all stages of my recovery process, which made no sense to me.  The point is to try, learn, try, learn, try, learn.  Boy have I learned!  I'm glad I did it.  I did take a break from dating for about a year after I started therapy, but then I have just felt like I need to date date date.  It's been PAINFUL.  When I'm dating, I tend to dig up every reason to be upset with myself.  But this week, especially tonight, about a year after I started dating again, I'm finally seeing some sweet fruits.

Tonight I made a phone call to someone I'd been out with 7 times now.  I told him I was ready to just be friends, and that I felt peaceful about it.  Here's the thing!  Before, I use to feel such intense AWFUL shame when something didn't work out.  Everything was my fault.  I saw everything through the eyes of "I'm good enough" or "I can't, and I suck."  But during these past few dates ... that finally has started to change.

I've been practicing vulnerability on dates, and every single time I am ABSOLUTELY dumb-foundedly amazed that I got asked out again.  I told them all kinds of things - I don't like to cook, I'm not close to my family, I hardly visit them, I took 8 years and 3 schools to graduate, I'm an artist that doesn't make any money, I don't like to exercise, I have anxiety, I get depressed now and then, I don't feel attracted to men, I don't care about wearing cute shoes, I hate shopping, I watch a lot of movies... etc etc...  And still not a single one of these stellar, smart, top notch, high caliber spiritual hard working men, have run away.  They didn't even treat me differently.  They didn't act disappointed. They asked me out AGAIN!  And again and again!

I kept assuming they were just a special case, extra charitable.  Until I moved on to date the next guy... then I assumed there were just two extra charitable guys.  But now I have been through several, and another first date just this past weekend who I told the most I've ever told on a first date.  He's got HIGH standards and he's very picky, but he just called me while I was here writing this post to ask me out again!  WHAT.

For the first time, I'm starting to not just "learn" to stop worrying I'm not good enough, but experience the feeling of being good enough for a great guy, whoever it may be.  I feel the wall thinning.  I feel better about who I am.

I also feel more practiced at vulnerability, connecting with the opposite gender and just people in general, and letting out my personality.  I feel less concerned that I'm not feminine enough, pretty enough, that I don't dress cute enough, or that I am not spiritual enough.  Less concerned that I'm not enough!!  (I only said "less" concerned ...  let's not get carried away haha)

I don't feel excited about dating still.  Still would rather not.  But through opening up and trying new things, I've grown.  I've changed.  I've gotten to know myself better.  I've found greater access to the atonement, and that's the truth.

Oh!!  And!!  Tonight, as I "ended" this dating string with this guy on the phone, ... I realized that I was experiencing something new.  I wasn't blaming myself inside for this not working out.  I was able to see that it wasn't my fault, or his fault; it just is what it is.  We wouldn't make each other happy, and once I got talking to him about it I realized we both felt the same way.  I am learning to trust my feelings and follow them, instead of wallow in shame because of them!!  Duuude.  *breath of fresh air*

To end... I'm starting to feel something for someone... I'm starting to feel good around him similar to how I feel around my best girl friends...  This is new... but we're not dating... but this is new... like, really new...

DUN DUN DUN

Back to Recovery

Hey.

Hi.

How are ya?

I know, it's been a while.  Two months almost.

Sometimes I want to be done with recovery and just RECOVER, and move on.

I decided to try it out.  More like, I started feeling fabulous so I went with it.  And it has truly been incredible.  Felt like the Lord blessed me with two months of bliss, as if to foreshadow what I have to look forward to.  If that's true, I can't wait.

Alas, it didn't last.

I'm not saying life was peachy.  I'm saying I had a full scale of sorrow AND JOY.  I had new natural highs that filled my soul with delicious warm gooshies simply from looking at the sunrise, daily!  I could be with whomever I wanted, anxiety free.  I didn't feel any emotional pulls toward anyone except the Lord.  I regained my appetite, and handfuls of motivation which I put to good use.  I remained in the moment, unchanged, when someone brought up certain topics which previously threw me in the downward spiral.  I felt good enough for anyone, and threw myself into dating.  I was flourishing in my calling, serving, and making more friends in the ward than my roommates were.  My roommates have been stunned by my behavior and my calm confidence, as have I.  I have cried so many tears of great joy and gratitude for all of the above.  "Father, I'm so grateful.  I'm so grateful."  I finally got outside myself and found the beautiful world that surrounded me, and never wanted to leave.  I read scriptures and conference talks with purpose instead of "help me help me."  My therapist, at my complete surprise, said I was good to go, and we said goodbye.  I know right?

I never regained the ability to sleep through the night, however.  Even prescribed sleep aids weren't much help.  Eventually work became difficult to sit through with sudden random anxiety attacks.   I felt like the Lord was protecting my mood though, as I still had motivations and normal highs and lows.  Til a week or two ago I realized I wasn't feeling those highs anymore.  Just lows.  And now here I am.  Wanting to give up.  How did this happen???

I wish I had blogged on a good day.  There were so many awesome things I could have shared and documented.  Oh well.

By tomorrow I'll be ready to accept the fact that the Lord still has more for me to learn, and study this out more.  I have a few good ideas of how this could have possibly been avoided...  But today I'm going to simply ride the wave.  It's been a long week.  Gonna go relax.

***

Okay but also next time we HAVE to talk about dating.  Of all times to start dating Mr. Wonderful.... uuuugh.  More later.

Real Power in Prayer

I have become reaquainted with the concept of what prayer can actually do.

My institute teacher Wednesday night stated, "I truly believe that prayer has much greater power than we realize or use it for.  I believe it can do so much for us if we utilized it as it is meant to be utilized.  I truly believe that."

And so do I.

I'd been struggling struggling struggling, and trying and trying and trying to make things right.  It wasn't working.

Finally, one night on my knees, I gave up.  Looking back I'm like, "Oh... Step 1... why didn't I do that sooner?!"  I asked the Lord for the specific thing I wanted most.  I pleaded.  I begged.  I felt shame in asking for what I wanted, but I felt it was my last option.  That, or make a really big messy inconvenient change in my life that I really didn't want to do, but was about to do out of desperation.  But first, I finally asked Heavenly Father for help.  That night things began to go more different than usual.  The next day things were even better.  The next day, at the temple, I felt everything suddenly feel right and at peace again.  And it's been absolutely fantastic ever since.  But I am still praying specifically, in all aspects, and continually finding more ways I can pray.

Help me focus on what matters above all else, including other people.

Please soften the hearts of others toward me.  Please save these relationships and help us recognize truth vs lies among us, in the midst of moments that count.

Help me say only things I really mean, and out of actual care and concern for the other person, UNlaced with ulterior motives, not really just trying to get my own needs met.  Help me recognize selfishness in my affections and service, and help me to serve others out of genuine desire for others' welfare.

Help me feel important without needing other people to validate me ALL the time.  Help me see my beauty, my strength, and help me recognize the goodness in myself.  Help me have the desire to stand tall, head held high, pleased with my gifts and talents and abilities Thou bestowed upon me, willing and wanting to share them and lift others.

Help me remember all these good things are because of Christ, not me.  Not me.  Help me think of Him.  Help me remember Him.  Help me know He's there and a part of my life, when I otherwise might forget.

...

Etc.  This past week has been far different from the past 3 months.  My appetite is back to normal.  I can sleep at night.  I can concentrate/focus for the most part.  I'm not a constant hot mess, crying all the time, wishing I could move on to the next life.



Prayer.  It's working for me.